I know

I know why I couldn't do it...why I couldn't keep the pills down...why I will never have a girlfriend...why I will continue to live a life that feels so conflicting at times...because this [the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints] isn't just an institution that preaches good values, and morals, and some truth...it is THE truth housed in an imperfect institution. I know that. I have known that since age four. It has been a blessing and my saving grace throughout my life...and at times has been the bane of my existence...knowing what is true...and wanting what is contrary to that truth...I feel as though I am being ripped in two at times. It is so often overwhelming...it feels as if it is too much to bear...and last night...it did become too much...but even when it was too much...I still could not give up...because the truth was still there.

I know that this knowledge is a great blessing...and for that I have deep gratitude...but it also feels like a curse...if I didn't know the truth...I could easily find a girlfriend...I could have made an effort with Alex and possibly won her over...I would still be with Allyson...and frankly...I would probably be happy. My family would still love me...and I would be some one's favorite person...I would have that person to have a nightly routine with...that deep, emotional, intimate connection...

I am sure that there are those out there who may read this, or something like unto it, and be so disgusted, or saddened because they might feel as if I have been brainwashed...but I am not an idiot...I am actually quite intelligent. I know what I know because I have sought the truth for myself...because I wanted to know, I needed to know. And because of that I will continue to find myself at odds with myself...and probably others. And I will continue to be exhausted and frustrated...to be in pain...to feel an intense stab of loneliness on a daily and sometimes hourly basis...but...I will keep going...because what else can I do?

"How did I get here..."

So Sunday night I was an idiot. I put almost an entire bottle of sleeping pills in my mouth and started to swallow...I sat on my bathroom floor trying to swallow and then gagging myself...eventually I did pull myself up to my sink and spit/puke them out and washed them down the drain.

I am sitting here sick to my stomach that I even could get that close. I just got so overwhelmed this weekend. It was such an emotional weekend...some positive, even euphoric feelings of happiness...and then...lowest of lows. I haven't had an emotional spike that severe in a long time. However...now I know that even when I am on the edge...hanging off by only a few fingers...I am not going completely over...I couldn't do it...for whatever reason...because I am scared...because I am weak...because I am strong...because I'm not an idiot...I don't know...I am feeling pretty confused right now.

I told Alex what happened today. I was nervous to tell her, and it was over the phone, so who knows what her true reaction was...but saying it out loud makes me feel sicker...and the reality of what I could have done is sinking in deeper. Who was that last night? Some twisted and broken version of Sam? I don't know...I know that I am feeling confused, and frustrated today...I was stupid and selfish.

But I couldn't do it...in the end...I couldn't...I won't. Talk about self-inflicted refiner's fire.

But I hurt...I ache for the emotional intimacy. I miss it so much...more than I want to admit, more than I can stand, more than I should.......................??

journal entry 3rd August 2008

The following is an entry in my journal:

I was doing so well. But I'm not ok. The depression seems to be returning...almost as if it were a living thing...taking over my body, returning with a vengeance. I lay in my bed...my only wish is to let this life be over. I remember that I have a bottle of Xanax in my drawer-I don't know how many it would take to kill me, but I have almost a whole bottle left. It would do the trick. Two thoughts hold me here- 1) my parents...would be so disappointed...2)my siblings.  If I ever wanted to be worthy of the title of her friend this is not the way to do it. But I hurt...though it is only because of myself that I hurt. No one else. Sometimes that is what stops me-I am the one that hurts-no one deserves to suffer because of my pain. It hasn't been this bad for a while

Last night I met with my therapist. I told her about this when she asked how I had been with thoughts of suicide. I really have been ok...minus the above mentioned night. The thing about taking my life...it does no good...and it would be an insult to all those who love and support me...who have faith in me...and it would only cause hurt...hurt that could not be taken back, that may not dissipate with time...my siblings, my mom, Alex, Ky, Grey... so many. It is not the way to go. But in a clear moment like now, it is much easier to have convictions in that. In those low moments like August 3rd...I am not myself...I am someone else; a someone who does not have my strength, and power, my faith and knowledge. The goal is not to find a way to overcome those feelings of ending my life, but rather overcoming that person that takes over the real Sam in those moments.

Catch 22 version 20.08

So...I had a realization this weekend...if I were to get married to a man...I would never be able to be fully in that relationship simply because it wouldn't be 100% fulfilling...although a temple sealing would exist, and children...but emotionally it would leave something to desire...if I were to be with a woman...well...even if she was everything I wanted, and it was the greatest relationship that I could have in all aspects...I could never marry her. And considering my type she would want to be married...but that is something that is reserved for one man and one woman. Just because I was with a woman doesn't mean I would forsake all of my beliefs...I wouldn't...they would still be there...I would just be living with guilt or something...but i would still be Sam...and Sam doesn't drink, or smoke, and I believe that marriage is for one man and one woman. So I feel trapped. Living a celibate life, emotional or otherwise, just does not feel like something that I can do. My heart literally feels like it is going to break when I think of living like that.

Lone Lily

I met a girl last night. Her name is Lily. (Really that is her name...not to be confused with my Lily from the 6th grade...whose name really isn't Lily) She was our waitress at a restaurant and I was definitely attracted to her. So I did my best to flirt...which isn't really difficult because I am naturally a flirtatious person. Ky and Alice noticed and were giving me a hard time about it. Towards the end of the night she came back to the table with the bill and some promotional coupons. As she was explaining the promotion I was flirting hard core...I did not care who was at the table...and the best part...Lily flirted back. She gave me this look...I melted a little...Alice saw the look and about choked on her diet Coke.

As Ky and I were walking back to her car I was talking about how badly I wanted to leave my number on the table. I have never really approached a girl so aggressively, or wanted to. With Lily and Grey and Alyson and Alex, I did not see them, and go after them. We were friends, and my feelings developed from there. Granted...with all four of them...it was definitely "crushing, head over heels at first sight". They are gorgeous beautiful girls....but I digress...

As the night wore on, however, I grew more and more melancholy. I was never going to see Lily again...unless I went back to the restaurant and she happened to be there...but I had not made a move...and that was that...I was never going to make a move...was I? Will I?

How long will I be able to live emotionally celibate? I'm not worried so much about the physical...although that is a battle in itself, but not like being alone emotionally...and I can hear my therapist, and Alex, and Ky, and everyone else telling me that the Atonement, and a better relationship with my Father and the Savior can take those feelings away, but really? They can fill the hole, the emptiness that comes with not having that one person in your life? The love of your live so to speak? I don't believe that. I am sorry, but right now...I just don't believe that.

Bollocks!!

One day, a few months ago, I was driving in the car with my friend Alice, and I was pretty ornery that day, and Alice said, in response to an ornery remark I made, "You're a bitch". I acknowledged that I was being a bit bitchy at that moment, but she said it wasn't just this moment, it was always...it was my personality. Not being in a mood to really argue, and frankly, thinking she might indeed be right, I brushed over the comment and we went on with our evening. However, upon later mulling over of the comment I became somewhat irritated. I am not a bitch...well I can be...but I don't think it's who I am. That is not in my nature. I am a good, and kind person...as is my friend Alice...probably one of the kindest I know.

Alice has, unfortunately, only known me during a very unpleasant and somewhat dark period in my life...so to her...that is my core personality. But still, whether she knew me before or not, if she really knew me I have to believe she would see what kind of person I really am...and I think she does, and I think it was more of a passing comment but every once in a while it bothers me that she said that.

But despite all of that, she is a friend, a trusted friend, who has been loyal, and understanding from the very beginning. I want her to see the person I use to be...I want to be the person I was. I NEED to be the person I was. It makes me sad that perhaps she doesn't see that...maybe she doesn't know I can be that person...and what scares me even more is that maybe I will never be that person again.

90 degrees

Hearts are torn and bruises born, but a love so magnificent cannot be scorned.
Beyond this normalcy, far greater than art; always together, even if we’re apart.
The heart, so crucial and the mind-they cry, but our friendship extends beyond; even goodbye.