(not) all about me

I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure our goodness by what we embrace, what we create and who we include.

-Pere Henri, Chocolat

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I think we...I...tend to base my successes on what I deny myself and what I resist (hopefully NOT who I exclude...because we shouldn't be excluding anyone).  And though it is important to resist many things in this life that are tempting and will lead us away from the gospel path, our Father and our Savior...there are so many more things we can actually be doing that will bring us closer to all three of those AND without much conscious effort we will be steering ourselves clear of temptations.  

I think this is comparable to sins of commission verses sins of omission.  It is easy to look at what I have done, in terms of NOT choosing the right...but I so often forget to see all the times that I DO choose the right.  And even if I do recognize those moments, I don't think I really give myself a deserved pat on the back.  I'm not saying that we should have a parade for ourselves each time we do something good, but I think that as we are more able to see the goodness in ourselves we will find ourselves further along on the straight and narrow...further along than perhaps we might be if we are only judging ourselves based on what we do resist.  

The truth is, I am human.  And though I strive each day (some days with greater conviction than others...today being a "less conviction" kind of day) to resist all the temptations around me, I am not always...actually I'm not ever as successful as I would like to be.  Maybe some of you are.  Maybe some of you are pros at resisting.  (Perhaps we could get in touch and have lessons). But I am not.  And though I will work my whole life to overcome all the temptations that I may face, I know that I will not achieve perfection in that goal.  That reality is somewhat disheartening to me.  However, what counter acts that, and gives me the motivation that I need to live a righteous life, is recognizing when I do embrace others, when I do create something to put out in the world that is beautiful or helpful or inspiring or funny, etc... and I definitely find great fulfillment and a continued desire to continue towards the gospel in my relationships with my friends and family.  When I let others into my life, when their successes and failures bring me joy or heartache, when I find my love for them becoming more Christlike, it is then that my desire for righteousness and success in this life is increased one hundred fold.  

My life really is so much better when it isn't all about me.

Am I really that backwards?

Today I had an interesting conversation with a friend...or rather the information gleaned in the conversation was interesting and thought provoking.  She was talking about her friends who are gay and unlike me are pursing same sex relationships.  She said that most of her friends that are gay, have at one time or another said that if they had a choice, they would not choose to be gay.  I was genuinely surprised by this as one who is attracted to women and am a woman myself.

My feelings on the matter have tended to lean towards something like this, "I wish that there was a way for me to be with the woman of my dreams and have all the blessings of the gospel."  Or, "I wish that being gay was just a regular part of life and not against the plan of  Salvation."

I don't think my feelings have always leaned that way...in fact when I was about 13 or 14 (8th grade sometime) I was beginning to realize that I was a bit, and by bit I mean significantly, more attracted to girls than boys.  With this realization came the beginning of a self loathing that would last for years and years.  When that self loathing began to subside was about the time that I began to feel at ease with all the parts of my self...natural born, nurture born or a little bit of both...I am who I am and will strive to be the best version of that person.

As the self acceptance has grown, my attitude about my attraction has changed.  I no longer see it as a frustrating aspect of who I am...well...sexually frustrating, yes...after all, I am a women in my early thirties...sexual prime folks!  But I digress.  I don't hate this part of myself.  It is what it is.  And in spite of it, or anything else that interferes with my eternal salvation, I will do my best to get back to my Father in Heaven.  But perhaps it is because I am mortal, or misinformed or...I don't know...but rather than hoping that this attraction never was a part of me, that I was "straight" I tend to find myself wishing I could settle down and raise a family with the girl I love and live a Christ centered life with the gospel at the core.

Is that odd?  Is that wrong?  Should I be thinking that if I had a choice it wouldn't be this?  Should I be wishing that I didn't like women?  I suppose that a little part of me feels like I should.  But another part of me, a not so little part of me...in fact pretty much 99.9% of me, feels like in this life, it is between us and God and we work out our lives and our salvation with Him...no one else.  No one else matters.  No one else's opinion or view or suggestion or belief.  Only my Father in Heaven's.  So if I feel like my Father doesn't mind me wishing I could be with the girl of my dreams, than I'm golden.  And if he does...well, He and I will work that out.  He knows what I ultimately want.

Am I totally off base here?

Come Thou Fount

Enduring to the End...of 2010

Well...another year is upon us.  As I happily say goodbye to 2010 and look to 2011 to not let me down, I think about the title of my blog and how I have endured this last year.

It has not been the easiest year...for many reasons.  And I have not always endured as well as I would have liked.  I have had some low lows this year.  Not my lowest of lows...but low.  I have felt sorrow and disappointment in myself and others.  I have felt regret (see previous post).  I have been angrier than I think I ever have been in my life.  Angry with my Father in Heaven.  Angry with my family. Angry with my friends. Angry with myself.

However (don't worry, this will not be a depressing post) despite all of the lows there are a few things that I'm so grateful for.  Things that I would venture to hell and back if needs be, in order to keep a part of my life.

The first thing that I am most grateful for this past year, is the continued and strengthened solidity of my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  As I've said many times previously, I KNOW that the gospel is true.  And at 10:00pm on December 31st after a seemingly endless year I still know that the gospel is true.  That has not changed.  And believe me this year did not come without some overwhelming temptations.  But what is constantly in the face of every temptation that has come my way is the truthfulness of the gospel.  It is always true...regardless of what may be going on in my life.  Just like the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west...regardless of whether cloud cover is so dense I can't see it.

I'm also very grateful for a God who keeps me humbled.  My head tends to grow very large fairly quickly and my Father is quickly forgotten.  So I'm grateful that my he knows that I need to "check myself before I wreck myself".  Though the moments of getting checked can be a bit painful, it tends to knock my priorities back into order and I see the world a bit more clearly.

I'm grateful that the gospel and my Father in Heaven are constant.  I know they will always be there.  There is nothing else in my life that is as constant.  Despite often wanting to choose another path, and at times, taking a few leaps and bounds down that other path, the gospel remains true and my Father remains with me...even when I wish he wouldn't.

And so, despite ending 2010 and what I would say is not my best foot, I have great hopes that 2011 and I are going to do a bang-up job of enduring.

Regret?

Is it possible...is that the word I'm looking for?  I don't know...perhaps I should explain the scenario and then you can tell me what the right word is.

Once upon a time I made a decision.  It was a very painful decision.  It was also the right decision.  But so often I regret making that right decision.  Is that right? Is that possible?  Can you actually regret a decision that was right?  Perhaps "regret" is the wrong word?  But I know, unfortunately, what regret feels like...and this is regret.  As I said...I don't constantly feel regret for my decision...but it is there...often.

Does this mean that I don't really have a desire to be a good person?  Does this mean that I'd rather make wrong decisions in my life to satisfy my immediate desires for happiness?  I think we all want that sometimes...more than sometimes...speaking for myself of course.  Instant gratification, well, I don't think I would call it instant...perhaps..."not eternal" gratification is what I often desire.

So what do I do with this regret?  I feel it and then move on and hope it goes away.  And have faith that there will be a day that I will rejoice in the right decision that I made.  I will know without any doubt whatsoever that it was the right decision and I will feel how right it was and regret will be something of which I will have zero concept.

2011

"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would."

 ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

I hope I can learn to see better those around me. 

"Direction is initially more important than speed." - Neal A. Maxell

I've always been a "saunterer"  When I was in college my roommates would tease me and tell me to leave a few minutes before them when we walked to class because they knew they would catch up with me...and joke or no joke...it was true...they always caught up to me.  I guess I could lengthen my stride...but it feels awkward.  I walk at a pace that fits me...I always have...and I imagine I always will.  And despite my somewhat slower pace...I still manage to get to where I need to go

And so it is with my life...I don't seem to do things in the "right" order or in the way that will lead me to "success".  But whose definitions of right and success am I supposed to live by?  Well that is for me and God to figure out.  Not anyone else.  How fast I get to where ever it is I'm going...it is in my Father's time...but as long as I'm heading that way...I'm golden.  Some days my best is like an Olympic marathon runner...and some days...well...it is more like limp across a desert...while I'm thirsty and exhausted. But such is life...we just keep going...no matter what...however fast or slow.