"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

21 February 2009

where my heart is

I am not sure what to do...I reached this point of peace...of contentment even...with everything...I felt better...I feel better...but there is something else...I am not sure what it is, or how to describe it...I just I know what is true. I really, truly do. I know that there is a God, my Father, in Heaven...that he, with his son, my Savior, Jesus Christ...created this earth. I know that he is the Father of my spirit. That Christ came here, of his own accord to be my Savior. I know that Joseph Smith went into a grove and prayed to know the truth (the same truth that I know because of him). I know that in that same grove he saw the Father and the Son. I know that he translated the plates that were shown to him by the angel Moroni. I know those plates are now the Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith gave his life for what he believed. That is what I don't know...I don't know if I can give my life for what I believe.

For me...the issue has NEVER been about not knowing, about wondering what was true or not true. Since I was four, and probably since always, I have KNOWN. Not thought it might be true, not hoped that it was, but known that it was. But I. like. girls. and I don't know how to reconcile that with what I know is true. I believe that we are judge not only by our actions, but also by where our heart is. My heart is with my family, with gospel, with the safety and salvation of my friends. And even when I was drinking the other night... when Alyson and I were together so many years ago...my heart was still in those places...so I want those things...I want to drink sometimes, and I want to be with the girl I love and I don't know what my future brings...but I know where my heart will always be.
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