22 March 2009
burn...
The burn came after the crash...in fact...I think I am still burning...but the flames are tempering, and the heat is becoming more bearable...well...sometimes...sometimes it is seemingly unrealistically unbearable...and then other times I simply feel numb. Numb to the good. Numb to the bad. It is at times, like walking around in a fog, or looking through a fogged mirror. And perhaps the burn isn't become more bearable...I truly do NOT think it is cooling...I think it may be getting hotter, but perhaps my ability to bear the burn is increasing...maybe that is what the numbness is...bearability...I hope so...if not that means that the numbness is more or less my apathy setting in and I DO NOT want to be apathetic about this.
crash...
So back in August I think I did write about what happened with the bottle of Xanax...but I wanted it to be in a form that could recall the details...so if that idiotic plan ever crosses my mind again...I have something to remind me that is is NOT a good idea.
So this last year...or rather last couple years, have not been the best for me. I have struggled a lot with well, liking girls...I mean let's be honest...that has been the biggest struggle in my life since I was probably 18...actually...I think since I was 12 (but that is another story)...but in the last couple years...having had a reprieve after getting over one girl...I went right ahead and fell in love with another...which sort of sent my life into a tail spin of sorts. One from which, if I am being honest, I really didn't pull out of in time, but rather, did indeed, crash and burn. But apparently Sam, along with the felines of the world, has nine lives...because here I am. Alive, and honestly...doing fairly well. I think the crash and burn came last August...towards the end of the month. But believe you me, I have the exact date of the crash and burn. It looked something like this...and I apologize for the graphic, and somewhat painful image this may be...imagine, or don't...
Sam, standing in her bathroom, leaning over the sink, staring at her self in the mirror. All the confusion of her desires, all the frustrations of her faults, the scars of mistakes past...starring back at her. As thoughts swirl in her head she can't focus, and frustration and confusion become the only emotions she seems capable of experiencing. She leans in closer, hoping that it will bring her a clearer view of herself...that by some miracle she will have the capability to see the girl that she once knew, that she once was. But all it does is magnify the blemishes on her face...only making things worse. She leans back and opens the medicine cabinet. She pulls out the bottle of Xanax; prescribe to her by her doctor to help her sleep better. They don't help at all. They leave her feeling more groggy than she already did. But she hopes that now, they will serve a different purpose. One, that in another life, she might have scoffed at the very thought of, but here, now...it is a welcome reprieve from, well...everything. She opens the bottle and empties the contents into her hand. About fifty or so small, white pills fall into her hand. She looks at the pile of pills. She thought that they might feel like a million pounds, that she would somehow, metaphorically, or something, feel the weight of what she is about to do, in the small pile of pills in her hand...but she doesn't. It feels like nothing. So with that, she throws her hand back and the contents that was once in her hand,is now making its way to the back of her throat...
As I felt those pills begin to make their way past the point of no return, panic overtook me. I fell to my knees and started trying to gag them up. As they came back up into my mouth the thought came to me, "You're such a wuss. Geez. Just do it. It will be over soon." (granted I had no idea if a bottle of Xanax can kill me). So I closed my mouth and began to swallow again...but I couldn't. It was like an unseen force was preventing me from swallowing those pills. And so there I sat...crumpled and defeated on my bathroom floor, with fifty pills, disintegrating on my tongue. This went on for about fifteen minutes...the back and forth...all the while I am adsorbing some of that disintegration...finally I realized that I couldn't do it. I wanted to be dead, I really did. I was tired, and sad, frustrated and exhausted...and overwhelmed...but I couldn't do it. It isn't me. So I spit them out. (And went on to have one of the best night's sleep ever...due to the absorption factor). So that was the crash...then came the burn. Things didn't really get better...I mean, I was alive...so of course that is better...but I still hurt...and I knew I would be living with the hurt.
So this last year...or rather last couple years, have not been the best for me. I have struggled a lot with well, liking girls...I mean let's be honest...that has been the biggest struggle in my life since I was probably 18...actually...I think since I was 12 (but that is another story)...but in the last couple years...having had a reprieve after getting over one girl...I went right ahead and fell in love with another...which sort of sent my life into a tail spin of sorts. One from which, if I am being honest, I really didn't pull out of in time, but rather, did indeed, crash and burn. But apparently Sam, along with the felines of the world, has nine lives...because here I am. Alive, and honestly...doing fairly well. I think the crash and burn came last August...towards the end of the month. But believe you me, I have the exact date of the crash and burn. It looked something like this...and I apologize for the graphic, and somewhat painful image this may be...imagine, or don't...
Sam, standing in her bathroom, leaning over the sink, staring at her self in the mirror. All the confusion of her desires, all the frustrations of her faults, the scars of mistakes past...starring back at her. As thoughts swirl in her head she can't focus, and frustration and confusion become the only emotions she seems capable of experiencing. She leans in closer, hoping that it will bring her a clearer view of herself...that by some miracle she will have the capability to see the girl that she once knew, that she once was. But all it does is magnify the blemishes on her face...only making things worse. She leans back and opens the medicine cabinet. She pulls out the bottle of Xanax; prescribe to her by her doctor to help her sleep better. They don't help at all. They leave her feeling more groggy than she already did. But she hopes that now, they will serve a different purpose. One, that in another life, she might have scoffed at the very thought of, but here, now...it is a welcome reprieve from, well...everything. She opens the bottle and empties the contents into her hand. About fifty or so small, white pills fall into her hand. She looks at the pile of pills. She thought that they might feel like a million pounds, that she would somehow, metaphorically, or something, feel the weight of what she is about to do, in the small pile of pills in her hand...but she doesn't. It feels like nothing. So with that, she throws her hand back and the contents that was once in her hand,is now making its way to the back of her throat...
As I felt those pills begin to make their way past the point of no return, panic overtook me. I fell to my knees and started trying to gag them up. As they came back up into my mouth the thought came to me, "You're such a wuss. Geez. Just do it. It will be over soon." (granted I had no idea if a bottle of Xanax can kill me). So I closed my mouth and began to swallow again...but I couldn't. It was like an unseen force was preventing me from swallowing those pills. And so there I sat...crumpled and defeated on my bathroom floor, with fifty pills, disintegrating on my tongue. This went on for about fifteen minutes...the back and forth...all the while I am adsorbing some of that disintegration...finally I realized that I couldn't do it. I wanted to be dead, I really did. I was tired, and sad, frustrated and exhausted...and overwhelmed...but I couldn't do it. It isn't me. So I spit them out. (And went on to have one of the best night's sleep ever...due to the absorption factor). So that was the crash...then came the burn. Things didn't really get better...I mean, I was alive...so of course that is better...but I still hurt...and I knew I would be living with the hurt.
21 February 2009
where my heart is
I am not sure what to do...I reached this point of peace...of contentment even...with everything...I felt better...I feel better...but there is something else...I am not sure what it is, or how to describe it...I just I know what is true. I really, truly do. I know that there is a God, my Father, in Heaven...that he, with his son, my Savior, Jesus Christ...created this earth. I know that he is the Father of my spirit. That Christ came here, of his own accord to be my Savior. I know that Joseph Smith went into a grove and prayed to know the truth (the same truth that I know because of him). I know that in that same grove he saw the Father and the Son. I know that he translated the plates that were shown to him by the angel Moroni. I know those plates are now the Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith gave his life for what he believed. That is what I don't know...I don't know if I can give my life for what I believe.
For me...the issue has NEVER been about not knowing, about wondering what was true or not true. Since I was four, and probably since always, I have KNOWN. Not thought it might be true, not hoped that it was, but known that it was. But I. like. girls. and I don't know how to reconcile that with what I know is true. I believe that we are judge not only by our actions, but also by where our heart is. My heart is with my family, with gospel, with the safety and salvation of my friends. And even when I was drinking the other night... when Alyson and I were together so many years ago...my heart was still in those places...so I want those things...I want to drink sometimes, and I want to be with the girl I love and I don't know what my future brings...but I know where my heart will always be.
For me...the issue has NEVER been about not knowing, about wondering what was true or not true. Since I was four, and probably since always, I have KNOWN. Not thought it might be true, not hoped that it was, but known that it was. But I. like. girls. and I don't know how to reconcile that with what I know is true. I believe that we are judge not only by our actions, but also by where our heart is. My heart is with my family, with gospel, with the safety and salvation of my friends. And even when I was drinking the other night... when Alyson and I were together so many years ago...my heart was still in those places...so I want those things...I want to drink sometimes, and I want to be with the girl I love and I don't know what my future brings...but I know where my heart will always be.
10 February 2009
Calling and election...not so sure
I was talking with my mom the other day and she told me something that brought to mind thoughts of having my calling and election made sure. I remember hearing a talk...can't remember by whom...about how it is possible for anyone to have their calling and election made sure...I would like that. But what are the chances that I could EVER achieve that? Every day I'm find myself questioning whether or not the gospel path is the path I really want...NOT whether or not it is true...I already know it is...but is it the path that I want? I don't always feel like it is.
When I think back to meeting Lily in sixth grade...to Grey in high school...to Aly in college and then Alex last year...those are probably some of the most outstanding women in this world...four of the best I'll ever know...four women who would bring happiness beyond measure into my life...four women who do (well except Grey because I don't know where she is, but if she was around she would, just like she always did...just like the memory of her does...any also Lily...but I lost contact with Lily so long ago that it doesn't hurt the same way it hurts with Grey) bring happiness beyond measure into my life...but if any of those paths lead to something beyond our deep and abiding friendships...well Aly's did for a while...would they be something I would want to keep? I guess not since I did break up with Aly...not because I didn't love her anymore...but because we thought it was wrong...but even knowing it's wrong there are days I want it so badly that I physically ache...that I can feel them near me, close...feel our hands together, feel the softness of their skin...their smells...(seriously...girls are just way better...mainly because they smell so good)...and on those days...I don't feel so much like I want the gospel, or the privilege of the temple, or the sacrament...and with feelings like those...how would having my calling and election made sure EVER be a possibility.
When I think back to meeting Lily in sixth grade...to Grey in high school...to Aly in college and then Alex last year...those are probably some of the most outstanding women in this world...four of the best I'll ever know...four women who would bring happiness beyond measure into my life...four women who do (well except Grey because I don't know where she is, but if she was around she would, just like she always did...just like the memory of her does...any also Lily...but I lost contact with Lily so long ago that it doesn't hurt the same way it hurts with Grey) bring happiness beyond measure into my life...but if any of those paths lead to something beyond our deep and abiding friendships...well Aly's did for a while...would they be something I would want to keep? I guess not since I did break up with Aly...not because I didn't love her anymore...but because we thought it was wrong...but even knowing it's wrong there are days I want it so badly that I physically ache...that I can feel them near me, close...feel our hands together, feel the softness of their skin...their smells...(seriously...girls are just way better...mainly because they smell so good)...and on those days...I don't feel so much like I want the gospel, or the privilege of the temple, or the sacrament...and with feelings like those...how would having my calling and election made sure EVER be a possibility.
07 February 2009
Sam & Sam
It has been a while since I have posted...things have been...difficult and frustrating... and I am not sure exactly what word it is that I want to use...at this very second...frustration is the first word...all I have been able to wonder for the last while is can I ever just be "ok". I mean I wake up in the morning and I am stoked about life and happy about the gospel and that I have the truth...but by two o'clock in the afternoon I am frustrated and just want to get the phone number of a girl in my ward...everyday it goes back and forth just like that.
It is like two Sams and as similar as they are...this one difference between the two...it changes everything...One Sam knows the truthfulness of the gospel and understands that there is something worth everything waiting on the other side...and the other Sam...she knows the same exact thing, but she likes girls...and that attraction to girls is as strong as her knowledge of the truth.
Those feelings, that knowledge, the attraction...that is all real. And on top of that...the nature of the truth encourages family and togetherness...but not between two girls...I just need to find a nice Mormon girl to settle down with..one who would live the same life I would...but one who would just always be there...I could do that...and I know it would make me happy. But...I don't think that is how it works...so I am going to keep going...and try and figure out how this is all supposed to work.
It is like two Sams and as similar as they are...this one difference between the two...it changes everything...One Sam knows the truthfulness of the gospel and understands that there is something worth everything waiting on the other side...and the other Sam...she knows the same exact thing, but she likes girls...and that attraction to girls is as strong as her knowledge of the truth.
Those feelings, that knowledge, the attraction...that is all real. And on top of that...the nature of the truth encourages family and togetherness...but not between two girls...I just need to find a nice Mormon girl to settle down with..one who would live the same life I would...but one who would just always be there...I could do that...and I know it would make me happy. But...I don't think that is how it works...so I am going to keep going...and try and figure out how this is all supposed to work.
29 November 2008
Hmmmmmm...I know I want to write something...I know I am feeling a lot of emotions right now...but I am suffering from severe writers block.
I am not really feeling the holidays right now. Thanksgiving was fine...spent it with family....it was fun...but I was struggling to keep up a facade of happiness. It gets wearing after a while. I just feel very numb.
I am not really feeling the holidays right now. Thanksgiving was fine...spent it with family....it was fun...but I was struggling to keep up a facade of happiness. It gets wearing after a while. I just feel very numb.
07 November 2008
Propostion 8
This is a difficult topic for me. I have struggled with recent events. I've talked with my mom and dad about, with other family members as well as friends. Because of my own feelings, my attraction to girls...I ache for those who share my same attraction to have the lives that they desire...but pulling at me so intensely, reverberating to my very core are my beliefs in the gospel. Today the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has put out a few statements regarding the issue. In fact, long before Prop 8 the Church put out what could be referred to as a statement of sorts...or rather...to use the words of the church leaders...a proclamation. In August of 2008 an in depth article regarding the sanctity of marriage was released further explaining why the Church was taking such a vested interest in this issue. I have read both of these. I have always taken a strong stand when it comes to the sanctity of marriage.
One day back in 2004 while talking to Allyson I told her very firmly that marriage was ordained of God and was between a man and woman. I have never seen words have such a physical effect on someone, as they did on Allyson that day. Looking my best friend, a girl I had loved...still loved...still love (though in a different way)...watching her be so hurt by my beliefs...that struck me to the core and I knew right then and there that I better be damned sure that it was what I truly believed. I have spent the last four years reaffirming that faith. And though that faith is being tested now by all the power that the adversary has, I still am firm in my belief that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, that the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding marriage, regarding the family, the role of men and women both as individuals and as married, sealed couples, is true, unchanging, and is that which will bring the greatest blessings and protection in these unstable and trying times.
It is not easy for me to say these things...knowing full well that if I were ever to have a girl friend, I would still want a family, still want to be married...but I couldn't...as I have mentioned before. Knowing that so many out there who are attracted to those of the same sex, who want to be married, live their lives in peace, contribute to the world, raise children, be all around good people...it hurts me to say to them...to you...that no, I don't believe that you should have the right to be married. That is not easy for me...but marriage-between a man and a woman-is ordained of God. You may say that He is not your god, and you may feel that way...but He is indeed your God, my God...our Father in Heaven. He is our creator...He loves us...He knows what he is doing...He is preparing us for such a greater life than this.
What I DO believe is that civil rights should in NO WAY AT ALL be tied to marriage. In fact what I do believe in is privatizing marriage. The government should have ZERO say in what defines a marriage...REGARDLESS of that definition...whether I agree with it or not. Marriage is a religious institution, NOT a public or federal one.
One day back in 2004 while talking to Allyson I told her very firmly that marriage was ordained of God and was between a man and woman. I have never seen words have such a physical effect on someone, as they did on Allyson that day. Looking my best friend, a girl I had loved...still loved...still love (though in a different way)...watching her be so hurt by my beliefs...that struck me to the core and I knew right then and there that I better be damned sure that it was what I truly believed. I have spent the last four years reaffirming that faith. And though that faith is being tested now by all the power that the adversary has, I still am firm in my belief that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, that the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding marriage, regarding the family, the role of men and women both as individuals and as married, sealed couples, is true, unchanging, and is that which will bring the greatest blessings and protection in these unstable and trying times.
It is not easy for me to say these things...knowing full well that if I were ever to have a girl friend, I would still want a family, still want to be married...but I couldn't...as I have mentioned before. Knowing that so many out there who are attracted to those of the same sex, who want to be married, live their lives in peace, contribute to the world, raise children, be all around good people...it hurts me to say to them...to you...that no, I don't believe that you should have the right to be married. That is not easy for me...but marriage-between a man and a woman-is ordained of God. You may say that He is not your god, and you may feel that way...but He is indeed your God, my God...our Father in Heaven. He is our creator...He loves us...He knows what he is doing...He is preparing us for such a greater life than this.
What I DO believe is that civil rights should in NO WAY AT ALL be tied to marriage. In fact what I do believe in is privatizing marriage. The government should have ZERO say in what defines a marriage...REGARDLESS of that definition...whether I agree with it or not. Marriage is a religious institution, NOT a public or federal one.
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