"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

23 January 2010

Pearls Before Swine

Last night I went to dinner, as per usual, with Ky. We actually mixed it up a little and did dinner AND a movie! GO US! As we sat at dinner chatting, inevitably the topic of my struggle with my sexual orientation came up. It is of course something that we joke about or mention in our everyday casual conversation, but it had been a while since we'd had a more serious, heartfelt discussion about it.

It is always somewhat painful to think about, and talk about, but it also helps, and Ky is a best friend, without whom I would be in a serious world of hurt...which I could argue that I am in a world of hurt...limbo is painful...but because of Ky it is a thousand times easier. But I digress (although in a good way)...We discussed many aspects of my struggle...and in honest exasperation I said,

"I would KILL to date any one of these girls!" This was in reference to discussing the amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, women that I constantly find myself surrounded by. I continued,

"And yet, here they all are...single! No guys are dating them! And here I am...dying to do so...knowing that I would be the best non-boy boyfriend they would ever have! What a waste! I'm a waste. All these dating skills...and for what!?" Here I am...struggling every damn day to make the right choice...all the while the choice I want is standing right in front of me and I can't have it...rather, I can't have her (whoever "her" is...I'm not talking in specifics). As I shared this conversation earlier today with another friend,  I told her it was like casting pearls before swine. And it is...what is wrong with these guys?! If I could be with the person (again general) I wanted to be with I would not be a swine while pearls were cast in front of me. I would take each and every opportunity to get to know the amazing women out there...whether a friendship developed or a more serious relationship developed, it is irrelevant. It would just be nice to date...to put my awesome dating skills to good use. But alas...I use them to no end...although I do appreciate the friends I have who DO recognize my great dating skills...they will only ever be my friends...bummer...because they are the amazing, intelligent, gorgeous girls I'm referring to.
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