A visit with Grey

For the next week, and the last two days I will be/have been at Grey's house. As I pulled up to her house the other day, I was kind of nervous about how my visit would be received. I knew she was ok with me coming because we've been talking on the phone for the last two and half months...but I couldn't help but wonder/worry that she was just being nice...because she is one of the most genuine, and kind people I know...she has a difficult time saying "no". I should have known better though...she has NEVER had a problem saying "no" to me :) As I got out of the car, we both ran to hug each other and it was probably one of the best days I've had this year! I knew right then that it was definitely ok that I had come to see her.

Being here with Grey...it is as if we've never been apart. I'm not sure how to describe it...I know I've been absent for a while from her life, but it just doesn't feel like it. It feels like we're still 17 years old and in high school...although we both look a little older...not much though...and she has two kids, and I have the additional weight of two children...but other than that, it is all the same. I think that is such a wonderful compliment to our friendship. In talking with a couple of Grey's friends from here I have been able to see that the friendship that we have is just as important and significant to her as it is to me...that has made my year...even my life!

I'm so truly grateful for Grey, for her compassion, and charity...for her tenderness and patience. She is one of my greatest examples of Christ-like love and to have to opportunity to be around it for a week is very...empowering...being around this person who sees me for, not who I am, but who I can be, who I will be...who sees me the way my Father in Heaven sees me...this person who rivals me in her ability to be a friend...it has given me strength to go back to my life at home and continue to battle with the adversary...but with a new found resilience and strength to be the person I know that I need to be.

Temple Again

Last Saturday Ky and I went to the temple and did an endowment session. It was great. It was wonderful to be in the temple and especially wonderful to be in the temple with Ky. It had been so, so long for either of us doing a session, and sitting in the chapel was as peaceful and calming as ever. When I walked into the Celestial room I got the biggest grin on my face and was overwhelmed with the reminder that it is my most favorite place on earth.

Ky and I sat in the Celestial room for a while enjoying the spirit that is there. After we left we ran some errands and then went to grab a bite to eat. As we were sitting at dinner Ky commented on how she thinks that when she is married, her relationship with her husband will be much like the relationship that she and I have. Easy and comfortable. I would say those are two words that best describe our friendship. We argue like a married couple, we eat off of one and other's plates, it is irrelevant who pays for food because in the end it will even out. I hope that our friendship can always remain like this, and I hope even more that someday Ky will find a wonderful, worthy Priesthood holding man who will take her to the temple, who will make sacred covenants with her and treat her respectfully and faithfully all her life.

As the day continued I kept going back to how wonderful being in the temple was...each time I thought about it I was brought back to the calmness and beauty that is found there. I hope to someday find a wonderful, priesthood holding man who will take me there as well. In fact I do know that as I continue to keep my covenants that will be so for me. I'm not sad it hasn't happened and I'm not even disappointed that it won't happen in this life. I just want to enjoy my life as much as I can, and follow in the paths that the Lord would have me follow...most likely not as perfectly, but always as best as I can.

IMMEDIATELY

Today I went to the temple for the first time in what I am pretty sure (and super embarrassed to say) is the first time in over a year. How do we let things like that slip by us? Well for me, it is because I feel guilty, and then selfish. Those are my two main detractors. What I enjoyed about my visit today was the very soft carpet...and I did not enjoy that I almost swallowed a bee that flew right into my mouth...note to self, walk with mouth closed, or at least teeth gritted...I enjoyed the friendliness and welcoming of the temple workers...but what I enjoyed most was that I didn't feel like I didn't belong there. It had been a year, and I was nervous about how would feel going back...would I feel ok being there? Would I be racked with guilt? Nope...not at all...I was just so happy to be in a place of such peace. It felt as if I had always been there...that I hadn't "taken a break" from attending. And that meant so much to me.

It's like when we repent...the second we take that step back in the direction of our Savior and our Father and the pathways back to exaltation, all is forgiven. Like when Peter attempted to walk on water and he fell...the Savior IMMEDIATELY stretched out his hand. He didn't wait for Peter's head to sink below the waves, he IMMEDIATELY reached for him. Peter took those steps in faith, and his faith became shaky and when he needed that help and comfort, it was there. And so it is with me, with all of us...it is there IMMEDIATELY.

I am so grateful for the immediacy of help that we receive from our Father and our Savior. I notice in my own life, that when I choose a better path, even if it is a small choice, I am IMMEDIATELY blessed...not necessarily in a huge, neon sign, 76 trombones playing way...but I am blessed and I'm so grateful for that.

worth your time

This video is worth your time. It lifts the spirit.

Abigal

Last night I had a dream about an old friend. Her name is (not really) Abigal. I met her in fourth grade. I remember feeling, instantly, that I wanted to be friends with her. She had...has...this amazing smile. It is this grin that takes over her entire face, and this way about her that just made me want to be her friend. Lucky for me, Abi and I did become friends...unfortunately I left for a different school after that year and did not see her again until junior high. We were kind of friends in junior high...oddly enough she was really close to two people I was close to...but we never became as great of friends as I hoped we could...good friends nonetheless, just not "bff's"...but I have always had a special place in my heart for her, and still hold on to the hope that someday, we can be friends again...better friends this time around...and according to my dream last night, I may be looking for more than that.

It really bites when you wake up from a dream and your heart is aching...especially when you didn't even have a super close relationship with the person your aching for!!! In my dream we ran into each other in some strange place...out in the sort of country, up the road from one of my other friend's homes. I went to see Abi, knowing she was the one that was there...and when I reached her, it was just emotionally overwhelming...for lack of a better description. I think eventually we may have kissed in the dream. I don't quite remember...I just remember kind of not wanting to wake up this morning (although that was also because I was super tired) and when I did wake up my heart hurt. Stupid dreams.

I realize I'm not the only one that has dreams like these...but it just adds insult to injury. It's like my mind is teasing me with what it knows will probably be something, someone, I will never have in my life again. Stupid brain.

Kids...I'm not worrying about kids.

A little over a year ago I wrote this. It's odd...I don't really feel any of it anymore. It started to change a few months ago...at least the kids part...one day I just realized that I didn't want kids...and not for some "noble" reason...but because I like my single life...well not so much life without a significant other, but I don't want kids. I don't want to have to deal with them day in and day out...they are stressful and needy and I have become so selfish...so much so that the thought of having to worry about someone twenty four seven because they can't take care of themselves...ugh...it is not something I want to do right now. I know I sound like a horrible person...I feel like a horrible person. I can't believe I have fallen so far. When I'm with my friends who have children, I LOVE being around their kids. I love to hold them, I love to hold my nephew. I love to play with them...but I love it because I am giving them back when I've had enough. How did I get here?

Where is my peace?

Can I really give up a relationship for the truth? Because the relationship wouldn't be a lie...so it's more like giving up one truth for another. Both are right...but one is more right? Is that right? The intimacy...the emotional intimacy that comes with a relationship is something that I think I was just born wanting...and the thought of never having that in this life makes my heart hurt and my stomach ache. But then...how can I give up the privilege of attending the temple? Of wearing my garments? I wish I could just feel a small, teeny, tiny bit of exaltation...because I've felt that intimacy and that love that I ache for...and I KNOW how wonderful it is...but all I can do is BELIEVE how wonderful and beyond human explanation exaltation is...do I have the faith...some days I think I do...until I'm reminded of what that intimacy feels like, the joy and peace it brings...Perhaps I've never truly felt the peace that the gospel can bring...how to I feel that? How do I find that?