So as I look forward to the life that I have ahead of me I often times think of having children...not having a husband...but children...what about children? I don't think I will get married in this life...and I am not saying that as a "poor me" type of thing...I just really feel that way...and in all honesty...sometimes it is easier to go forward without holding on to that hope of getting married. Anyway...but kids...that is totally different. I love kids...and I never actually believed that the biological clock was real until mine started going off! I ache for the day that I can have children. It hurts sometimes so much...I just wish that I did have a husband...that I was raising a family...I wish that a husband and a family was something that I was going to have that in the future...I wish that this May it wasn't just my best friend getting married...I wish it was me getting married too. I wish I was already married. I wish that I was going to be sitting in that sealing room when Alex and her fiance get sealed with my husband. I wish that my kids were going to be waiting outside for me and my husband.
I've thought many times about adopting...and I would love to at some point in my life...but as I continue to think about it I don't know that it is the best idea...because as much good as I could do for that kid, or kids...they would not be born within the covenant...and that is the greatest blessing that can be had on this earth. It was mine...and I want it to be the same for my children.
It really hurts...the thought of no children...of no husband. I know that my righteousness will not keep from the blessings of exaltation...but getting from here to there and being happy while doing it...not so easy without a husband and children...I realize they bring their own set of challenges...but also their own set of blessings that I can not have anywhere else. And though they can be mine in the next life...I am not in the next life right now...I am in this life.
Ok...so I do want to get married...and I hope I do...but I don't think I will...that hurts too...so much...I watch my closest friends...with their spouses and their children...and I am truly happy for them...I have joy for them and because of them...I have joy because of Alex and her upcoming wedding...but it hurts...it always hurts. I wish it didn't...but it does...my heart breaks everyday because it is not a blessing I have right now...and not a blessing that I will probably have for a long, long, long time.
But...in the mean time...I will continue to find joy in the success and happiness of my friends...and cling to that white knuckled as I continue in this life. Alex I think gets irritated because I am always worried about us not being close after she is married...I don't know if she thinks it is just because of her being far away, or things changing between...those are definite reasons...but a big one is that I do find happiness, strength and motivation in my friends and the good things in their lives...I want to still be apart of her life so I can feel that from her and her fiance. Maybe that is so extremely selfish, but it is also the truth.
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