Has it been my choice all along...?

Today as I was reading for biology I came across some discussion about the "gay gene". I've been hearing about this since the early nineties when the studies were first being published...and I was doing my damnedest to ignore the feelings of attraction I was having to Lily. As a 13 year old, I guess I didn't really take the time to read the article thoroughly...either that I was ignoring that fact that homosexuality is something that affects women as well...anyway...needless to say, as an adult struggling with same gender attraction I have subscribed to the theory that my attraction is a result of both nature and nurture...that there is some truth to the "gay gene" idea and I probably have it. HOW WRONG I HAVE BEEN...today I read the following: "Subsequent results...ruled out any connection between the same region and lesbian orientation." (Genome, Ridley). So apparently...this has been my choice all along. As I continued reading discovered that birth order seems to have an effect on occurrences of homosexuality...once again however, only in men.

So...apparently...I've chosen these feelings...well that is just super.

Someday it will end

As I watched the clip from Elder Busche's talk that I have posted on this blog, I was reminded that someday, all of this suffering, all this frustration, all this hurt and agony that I feel, will end. So for now I will do my best to "Put all frustrations, hurt feelings and grumblings into the perspective of [my] eternal hope." so that "Light will flow into [my] soul."

Unfortunately, it is insanely difficult right now to keep this at the for front of my mind. While on the one hand, I know what Elder Busche is saying is true, I cannot help but be overwhelmed with the exhaustion and sadness that comes from giving up something/someone that I long to have.

I want to do what is right...but it is difficult to do what is right when the line between the two is not clear...when the difference between right and wrong is not black at white, at least not on an emotional level.

We are emotional creatures...does perfection mean that we become emotionless? Is that how God manages to "choose the right" all the time? I don't believe that, but I'm so unable to grasp the idea of a world in which my emotions will not always get the better of me...or rather, and perhaps more correctly...grasp the idea of a world in which I will NOT be attracted to girls.

Pearls Before Swine

Last night I went to dinner, as per usual, with Ky. We actually mixed it up a little and did dinner AND a movie! GO US! As we sat at dinner chatting, inevitably the topic of my struggle with my sexual orientation came up. It is of course something that we joke about or mention in our everyday casual conversation, but it had been a while since we'd had a more serious, heartfelt discussion about it.

It is always somewhat painful to think about, and talk about, but it also helps, and Ky is a best friend, without whom I would be in a serious world of hurt...which I could argue that I am in a world of hurt...limbo is painful...but because of Ky it is a thousand times easier. But I digress (although in a good way)...We discussed many aspects of my struggle...and in honest exasperation I said,

"I would KILL to date any one of these girls!" This was in reference to discussing the amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, women that I constantly find myself surrounded by. I continued,

"And yet, here they all are...single! No guys are dating them! And here I am...dying to do so...knowing that I would be the best non-boy boyfriend they would ever have! What a waste! I'm a waste. All these dating skills...and for what!?" Here I am...struggling every damn day to make the right choice...all the while the choice I want is standing right in front of me and I can't have it...rather, I can't have her (whoever "her" is...I'm not talking in specifics). As I shared this conversation earlier today with another friend,  I told her it was like casting pearls before swine. And it is...what is wrong with these guys?! If I could be with the person (again general) I wanted to be with I would not be a swine while pearls were cast in front of me. I would take each and every opportunity to get to know the amazing women out there...whether a friendship developed or a more serious relationship developed, it is irrelevant. It would just be nice to date...to put my awesome dating skills to good use. But alas...I use them to no end...although I do appreciate the friends I have who DO recognize my great dating skills...they will only ever be my friends...bummer...because they are the amazing, intelligent, gorgeous girls I'm referring to.

Digging up the Past

Today I was chatting with my friend Grey...I asked her what her favorite memory from high school was...she responded immediately...then I asked her what her worst memory from high school was...she said that she couldn't remember because she doesn't remember things like that...she buries the bad stuff so that she doesn't have to remember. It made me wonder...is it bad to dig up the past or should we be leaving things as they lay?

I see a therapist almost every week, and granted we work mainly on "here and now" issues...a lot of what we talk about comes from things that have happened "many moons ago". There are times after a session that I feel more frustrated and confused than when I entered the room the previous hour. It has caused me to wonder whether or not it is such a good idea to worry about things long since past...but then I meet with my therapist again and that frustration and confusion has been turned into resolve and understanding.

For me, digging up the past is the way that I deal with my present and my future. I love to go back and read journal entries from years past to see how I've grown, to see what obstacles I've overcome, to see what I still need to work on. I am a serious journal writer and so I think that I will always want to keep a connection to my past...both the good and the bad. It is how I learn. The scriptures are full of both the good and the bad and they have been written for my "profit and learning".

I have also come to learn that there is a difference between looking to the past/learning from the past and holding on to the past/being caught in the past. I can't regret my past and I can't sit around wishing that this had been different or that had been different. I can acknowledge that poor judgment was used, errors were made, but I can't dwell on those moments other than to glean whatever knowledge I can from them so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

So Grey...I will continue to look to the past, but I will do my best to not dwell on it!

A visit with Grey

For the next week, and the last two days I will be/have been at Grey's house. As I pulled up to her house the other day, I was kind of nervous about how my visit would be received. I knew she was ok with me coming because we've been talking on the phone for the last two and half months...but I couldn't help but wonder/worry that she was just being nice...because she is one of the most genuine, and kind people I know...she has a difficult time saying "no". I should have known better though...she has NEVER had a problem saying "no" to me :) As I got out of the car, we both ran to hug each other and it was probably one of the best days I've had this year! I knew right then that it was definitely ok that I had come to see her.

Being here with Grey...it is as if we've never been apart. I'm not sure how to describe it...I know I've been absent for a while from her life, but it just doesn't feel like it. It feels like we're still 17 years old and in high school...although we both look a little older...not much though...and she has two kids, and I have the additional weight of two children...but other than that, it is all the same. I think that is such a wonderful compliment to our friendship. In talking with a couple of Grey's friends from here I have been able to see that the friendship that we have is just as important and significant to her as it is to me...that has made my year...even my life!

I'm so truly grateful for Grey, for her compassion, and charity...for her tenderness and patience. She is one of my greatest examples of Christ-like love and to have to opportunity to be around it for a week is very...empowering...being around this person who sees me for, not who I am, but who I can be, who I will be...who sees me the way my Father in Heaven sees me...this person who rivals me in her ability to be a friend...it has given me strength to go back to my life at home and continue to battle with the adversary...but with a new found resilience and strength to be the person I know that I need to be.

Temple Again

Last Saturday Ky and I went to the temple and did an endowment session. It was great. It was wonderful to be in the temple and especially wonderful to be in the temple with Ky. It had been so, so long for either of us doing a session, and sitting in the chapel was as peaceful and calming as ever. When I walked into the Celestial room I got the biggest grin on my face and was overwhelmed with the reminder that it is my most favorite place on earth.

Ky and I sat in the Celestial room for a while enjoying the spirit that is there. After we left we ran some errands and then went to grab a bite to eat. As we were sitting at dinner Ky commented on how she thinks that when she is married, her relationship with her husband will be much like the relationship that she and I have. Easy and comfortable. I would say those are two words that best describe our friendship. We argue like a married couple, we eat off of one and other's plates, it is irrelevant who pays for food because in the end it will even out. I hope that our friendship can always remain like this, and I hope even more that someday Ky will find a wonderful, worthy Priesthood holding man who will take her to the temple, who will make sacred covenants with her and treat her respectfully and faithfully all her life.

As the day continued I kept going back to how wonderful being in the temple was...each time I thought about it I was brought back to the calmness and beauty that is found there. I hope to someday find a wonderful, priesthood holding man who will take me there as well. In fact I do know that as I continue to keep my covenants that will be so for me. I'm not sad it hasn't happened and I'm not even disappointed that it won't happen in this life. I just want to enjoy my life as much as I can, and follow in the paths that the Lord would have me follow...most likely not as perfectly, but always as best as I can.

IMMEDIATELY

Today I went to the temple for the first time in what I am pretty sure (and super embarrassed to say) is the first time in over a year. How do we let things like that slip by us? Well for me, it is because I feel guilty, and then selfish. Those are my two main detractors. What I enjoyed about my visit today was the very soft carpet...and I did not enjoy that I almost swallowed a bee that flew right into my mouth...note to self, walk with mouth closed, or at least teeth gritted...I enjoyed the friendliness and welcoming of the temple workers...but what I enjoyed most was that I didn't feel like I didn't belong there. It had been a year, and I was nervous about how would feel going back...would I feel ok being there? Would I be racked with guilt? Nope...not at all...I was just so happy to be in a place of such peace. It felt as if I had always been there...that I hadn't "taken a break" from attending. And that meant so much to me.

It's like when we repent...the second we take that step back in the direction of our Savior and our Father and the pathways back to exaltation, all is forgiven. Like when Peter attempted to walk on water and he fell...the Savior IMMEDIATELY stretched out his hand. He didn't wait for Peter's head to sink below the waves, he IMMEDIATELY reached for him. Peter took those steps in faith, and his faith became shaky and when he needed that help and comfort, it was there. And so it is with me, with all of us...it is there IMMEDIATELY.

I am so grateful for the immediacy of help that we receive from our Father and our Savior. I notice in my own life, that when I choose a better path, even if it is a small choice, I am IMMEDIATELY blessed...not necessarily in a huge, neon sign, 76 trombones playing way...but I am blessed and I'm so grateful for that.