Digging up the Past

Today I was chatting with my friend Grey...I asked her what her favorite memory from high school was...she responded immediately...then I asked her what her worst memory from high school was...she said that she couldn't remember because she doesn't remember things like that...she buries the bad stuff so that she doesn't have to remember. It made me wonder...is it bad to dig up the past or should we be leaving things as they lay?

I see a therapist almost every week, and granted we work mainly on "here and now" issues...a lot of what we talk about comes from things that have happened "many moons ago". There are times after a session that I feel more frustrated and confused than when I entered the room the previous hour. It has caused me to wonder whether or not it is such a good idea to worry about things long since past...but then I meet with my therapist again and that frustration and confusion has been turned into resolve and understanding.

For me, digging up the past is the way that I deal with my present and my future. I love to go back and read journal entries from years past to see how I've grown, to see what obstacles I've overcome, to see what I still need to work on. I am a serious journal writer and so I think that I will always want to keep a connection to my past...both the good and the bad. It is how I learn. The scriptures are full of both the good and the bad and they have been written for my "profit and learning".

I have also come to learn that there is a difference between looking to the past/learning from the past and holding on to the past/being caught in the past. I can't regret my past and I can't sit around wishing that this had been different or that had been different. I can acknowledge that poor judgment was used, errors were made, but I can't dwell on those moments other than to glean whatever knowledge I can from them so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future.

So Grey...I will continue to look to the past, but I will do my best to not dwell on it!

A visit with Grey

For the next week, and the last two days I will be/have been at Grey's house. As I pulled up to her house the other day, I was kind of nervous about how my visit would be received. I knew she was ok with me coming because we've been talking on the phone for the last two and half months...but I couldn't help but wonder/worry that she was just being nice...because she is one of the most genuine, and kind people I know...she has a difficult time saying "no". I should have known better though...she has NEVER had a problem saying "no" to me :) As I got out of the car, we both ran to hug each other and it was probably one of the best days I've had this year! I knew right then that it was definitely ok that I had come to see her.

Being here with Grey...it is as if we've never been apart. I'm not sure how to describe it...I know I've been absent for a while from her life, but it just doesn't feel like it. It feels like we're still 17 years old and in high school...although we both look a little older...not much though...and she has two kids, and I have the additional weight of two children...but other than that, it is all the same. I think that is such a wonderful compliment to our friendship. In talking with a couple of Grey's friends from here I have been able to see that the friendship that we have is just as important and significant to her as it is to me...that has made my year...even my life!

I'm so truly grateful for Grey, for her compassion, and charity...for her tenderness and patience. She is one of my greatest examples of Christ-like love and to have to opportunity to be around it for a week is very...empowering...being around this person who sees me for, not who I am, but who I can be, who I will be...who sees me the way my Father in Heaven sees me...this person who rivals me in her ability to be a friend...it has given me strength to go back to my life at home and continue to battle with the adversary...but with a new found resilience and strength to be the person I know that I need to be.

Temple Again

Last Saturday Ky and I went to the temple and did an endowment session. It was great. It was wonderful to be in the temple and especially wonderful to be in the temple with Ky. It had been so, so long for either of us doing a session, and sitting in the chapel was as peaceful and calming as ever. When I walked into the Celestial room I got the biggest grin on my face and was overwhelmed with the reminder that it is my most favorite place on earth.

Ky and I sat in the Celestial room for a while enjoying the spirit that is there. After we left we ran some errands and then went to grab a bite to eat. As we were sitting at dinner Ky commented on how she thinks that when she is married, her relationship with her husband will be much like the relationship that she and I have. Easy and comfortable. I would say those are two words that best describe our friendship. We argue like a married couple, we eat off of one and other's plates, it is irrelevant who pays for food because in the end it will even out. I hope that our friendship can always remain like this, and I hope even more that someday Ky will find a wonderful, worthy Priesthood holding man who will take her to the temple, who will make sacred covenants with her and treat her respectfully and faithfully all her life.

As the day continued I kept going back to how wonderful being in the temple was...each time I thought about it I was brought back to the calmness and beauty that is found there. I hope to someday find a wonderful, priesthood holding man who will take me there as well. In fact I do know that as I continue to keep my covenants that will be so for me. I'm not sad it hasn't happened and I'm not even disappointed that it won't happen in this life. I just want to enjoy my life as much as I can, and follow in the paths that the Lord would have me follow...most likely not as perfectly, but always as best as I can.

IMMEDIATELY

Today I went to the temple for the first time in what I am pretty sure (and super embarrassed to say) is the first time in over a year. How do we let things like that slip by us? Well for me, it is because I feel guilty, and then selfish. Those are my two main detractors. What I enjoyed about my visit today was the very soft carpet...and I did not enjoy that I almost swallowed a bee that flew right into my mouth...note to self, walk with mouth closed, or at least teeth gritted...I enjoyed the friendliness and welcoming of the temple workers...but what I enjoyed most was that I didn't feel like I didn't belong there. It had been a year, and I was nervous about how would feel going back...would I feel ok being there? Would I be racked with guilt? Nope...not at all...I was just so happy to be in a place of such peace. It felt as if I had always been there...that I hadn't "taken a break" from attending. And that meant so much to me.

It's like when we repent...the second we take that step back in the direction of our Savior and our Father and the pathways back to exaltation, all is forgiven. Like when Peter attempted to walk on water and he fell...the Savior IMMEDIATELY stretched out his hand. He didn't wait for Peter's head to sink below the waves, he IMMEDIATELY reached for him. Peter took those steps in faith, and his faith became shaky and when he needed that help and comfort, it was there. And so it is with me, with all of us...it is there IMMEDIATELY.

I am so grateful for the immediacy of help that we receive from our Father and our Savior. I notice in my own life, that when I choose a better path, even if it is a small choice, I am IMMEDIATELY blessed...not necessarily in a huge, neon sign, 76 trombones playing way...but I am blessed and I'm so grateful for that.

worth your time

This video is worth your time. It lifts the spirit.

Abigal

Last night I had a dream about an old friend. Her name is (not really) Abigal. I met her in fourth grade. I remember feeling, instantly, that I wanted to be friends with her. She had...has...this amazing smile. It is this grin that takes over her entire face, and this way about her that just made me want to be her friend. Lucky for me, Abi and I did become friends...unfortunately I left for a different school after that year and did not see her again until junior high. We were kind of friends in junior high...oddly enough she was really close to two people I was close to...but we never became as great of friends as I hoped we could...good friends nonetheless, just not "bff's"...but I have always had a special place in my heart for her, and still hold on to the hope that someday, we can be friends again...better friends this time around...and according to my dream last night, I may be looking for more than that.

It really bites when you wake up from a dream and your heart is aching...especially when you didn't even have a super close relationship with the person your aching for!!! In my dream we ran into each other in some strange place...out in the sort of country, up the road from one of my other friend's homes. I went to see Abi, knowing she was the one that was there...and when I reached her, it was just emotionally overwhelming...for lack of a better description. I think eventually we may have kissed in the dream. I don't quite remember...I just remember kind of not wanting to wake up this morning (although that was also because I was super tired) and when I did wake up my heart hurt. Stupid dreams.

I realize I'm not the only one that has dreams like these...but it just adds insult to injury. It's like my mind is teasing me with what it knows will probably be something, someone, I will never have in my life again. Stupid brain.

Kids...I'm not worrying about kids.

A little over a year ago I wrote this. It's odd...I don't really feel any of it anymore. It started to change a few months ago...at least the kids part...one day I just realized that I didn't want kids...and not for some "noble" reason...but because I like my single life...well not so much life without a significant other, but I don't want kids. I don't want to have to deal with them day in and day out...they are stressful and needy and I have become so selfish...so much so that the thought of having to worry about someone twenty four seven because they can't take care of themselves...ugh...it is not something I want to do right now. I know I sound like a horrible person...I feel like a horrible person. I can't believe I have fallen so far. When I'm with my friends who have children, I LOVE being around their kids. I love to hold them, I love to hold my nephew. I love to play with them...but I love it because I am giving them back when I've had enough. How did I get here?

Where is my peace?

Can I really give up a relationship for the truth? Because the relationship wouldn't be a lie...so it's more like giving up one truth for another. Both are right...but one is more right? Is that right? The intimacy...the emotional intimacy that comes with a relationship is something that I think I was just born wanting...and the thought of never having that in this life makes my heart hurt and my stomach ache. But then...how can I give up the privilege of attending the temple? Of wearing my garments? I wish I could just feel a small, teeny, tiny bit of exaltation...because I've felt that intimacy and that love that I ache for...and I KNOW how wonderful it is...but all I can do is BELIEVE how wonderful and beyond human explanation exaltation is...do I have the faith...some days I think I do...until I'm reminded of what that intimacy feels like, the joy and peace it brings...Perhaps I've never truly felt the peace that the gospel can bring...how to I feel that? How do I find that?

burn...

The burn came after the crash...in fact...I think I am still burning...but the flames are tempering, and the heat is becoming more bearable...well...sometimes...sometimes it is seemingly unrealistically unbearable...and then other times I simply feel numb. Numb to the good. Numb to the bad. It is at times, like walking around in a fog, or looking through a fogged mirror. And perhaps the burn isn't become more bearable...I truly do NOT think it is cooling...I think it may be getting hotter, but perhaps my ability to bear the burn is increasing...maybe that is what the numbness is...bearability...I hope so...if not that means that the numbness is more or less my apathy setting in and I DO NOT want to be apathetic about this.

crash...

So back in August I think I did write about what happened with the bottle of Xanax...but I wanted it to be in a form that could recall the details...so if that idiotic plan ever crosses my mind again...I have something to remind me that is is NOT a good idea.

So this last year...or rather last couple years, have not been the best for me. I have struggled a lot with well, liking girls...I mean let's be honest...that has been the biggest struggle in my life since I was probably 18...actually...I think since I was 12 (but that is another story)...but in the last couple years...having had a reprieve after getting over one girl...I went right ahead and fell in love with another...which sort of sent my life into a tail spin of sorts. One from which, if I am being honest, I really didn't pull out of in time, but rather, did indeed, crash and burn. But apparently Sam, along with the felines of the world, has nine lives...because here I am. Alive, and honestly...doing fairly well. I think the crash and burn came last August...towards the end of the month. But believe you me, I have the exact date of the crash and burn. It looked something like this...and I apologize for the graphic, and somewhat painful image this may be...imagine, or don't...

Sam, standing in her bathroom, leaning over the sink, staring at her self in the mirror. All the confusion of her desires, all the frustrations of her faults, the scars of mistakes past...starring back at her. As thoughts swirl in her head she can't focus, and frustration and confusion become the only emotions she seems capable of experiencing. She leans in closer, hoping that it will bring her a clearer view of herself...that by some miracle she will have the capability to see the girl that she once knew, that she once was. But all it does is magnify the blemishes on her face...only making things worse. She leans back and opens the medicine cabinet. She pulls out the bottle of Xanax; prescribe to her by her doctor to help her sleep better. They don't help at all. They leave her feeling more groggy than she already did. But she hopes that now, they will serve a different purpose. One, that in another life, she might have scoffed at the very thought of, but here, now...it is a welcome reprieve from, well...everything. She opens the bottle and empties the contents into her hand. About fifty or so small, white pills fall into her hand. She looks at the pile of pills. She thought that they might feel like a million pounds, that she would somehow, metaphorically, or something, feel the weight of what she is about to do, in the small pile of pills in her hand...but she doesn't. It feels like nothing. So with that, she throws her hand back and the contents that was once in her hand,is now making its way to the back of her throat...

As I felt those pills begin to make their way past the point of no return, panic overtook me. I fell to my knees and started trying to gag them up. As they came back up into my mouth the thought came to me, "You're such a wuss. Geez. Just do it. It will be over soon." (granted I had no idea if a bottle of Xanax can kill me). So I closed my mouth and began to swallow again...but I couldn't. It was like an unseen force was preventing me from swallowing those pills. And so there I sat...crumpled and defeated on my bathroom floor, with fifty pills, disintegrating on my tongue. This went on for about fifteen minutes...the back and forth...all the while I am adsorbing some of that disintegration...finally I realized that I couldn't do it. I wanted to be dead, I really did. I was tired, and sad, frustrated and exhausted...and overwhelmed...but I couldn't do it. It isn't me. So I spit them out. (And went on to have one of the best night's sleep ever...due to the absorption factor). So that was the crash...then came the burn. Things didn't really get better...I mean, I was alive...so of course that is better...but I still hurt...and I knew I would be living with the hurt.

where my heart is

I am not sure what to do...I reached this point of peace...of contentment even...with everything...I felt better...I feel better...but there is something else...I am not sure what it is, or how to describe it...I just I know what is true. I really, truly do. I know that there is a God, my Father, in Heaven...that he, with his son, my Savior, Jesus Christ...created this earth. I know that he is the Father of my spirit. That Christ came here, of his own accord to be my Savior. I know that Joseph Smith went into a grove and prayed to know the truth (the same truth that I know because of him). I know that in that same grove he saw the Father and the Son. I know that he translated the plates that were shown to him by the angel Moroni. I know those plates are now the Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith gave his life for what he believed. That is what I don't know...I don't know if I can give my life for what I believe.

For me...the issue has NEVER been about not knowing, about wondering what was true or not true. Since I was four, and probably since always, I have KNOWN. Not thought it might be true, not hoped that it was, but known that it was. But I. like. girls. and I don't know how to reconcile that with what I know is true. I believe that we are judge not only by our actions, but also by where our heart is. My heart is with my family, with gospel, with the safety and salvation of my friends. And even when I was drinking the other night... when Alyson and I were together so many years ago...my heart was still in those places...so I want those things...I want to drink sometimes, and I want to be with the girl I love and I don't know what my future brings...but I know where my heart will always be.

Calling and election...not so sure

I was talking with my mom the other day and she told me something that brought to mind thoughts of having my calling and election made sure. I remember hearing a talk...can't remember by whom...about how it is possible for anyone to have their calling and election made sure...I would like that. But what are the chances that I could EVER achieve that? Every day I'm find myself questioning whether or not the gospel path is the path I really want...NOT whether or not it is true...I already know it is...but is it the path that I want? I don't always feel like it is.

When I think back to meeting Lily in sixth grade...to Grey in high school...to Aly in college and then Alex last year...those are probably some of the most outstanding women in this world...four of the best I'll ever know...four women who would bring happiness beyond measure into my life...four women who do (well except Grey because I don't know where she is, but if she was around she would, just like she always did...just like the memory of her does...any also Lily...but I lost contact with Lily so long ago that it doesn't hurt the same way it hurts with Grey) bring happiness beyond measure into my life...but if any of those paths lead to something beyond our deep and abiding friendships...well Aly's did for a while...would they be something I would want to keep? I guess not since I did break up with Aly...not because I didn't love her anymore...but because we thought it was wrong...but even knowing it's wrong there are days I want it so badly that I physically ache...that I can feel them near me, close...feel our hands together, feel the softness of their skin...their smells...(seriously...girls are just way better...mainly because they smell so good)...and on those days...I don't feel so much like I want the gospel, or the privilege of the temple, or the sacrament...and with feelings like those...how would having my calling and election made sure EVER be a possibility.

Sam & Sam

It has been a while since I have posted...things have been...difficult and frustrating... and I am not sure exactly what word it is that I want to use...at this very second...frustration is the first word...all I have been able to wonder for the last while is can I ever just be "ok". I mean I wake up in the morning and I am stoked about life and happy about the gospel and that I have the truth...but by two o'clock in the afternoon I am frustrated and just want to get the phone number of a girl in my ward...everyday it goes back and forth just like that.

It is like two Sams and as similar as they are...this one difference between the two...it changes everything...One Sam knows the truthfulness of the gospel and understands that there is something worth everything waiting on the other side...and the other Sam...she knows the same exact thing, but she likes girls...and that attraction to girls is as strong as her knowledge of the truth.

Those feelings, that knowledge, the attraction...that is all real. And on top of that...the nature of the truth encourages family and togetherness...but not between two girls...I just need to find a nice Mormon girl to settle down with..one who would live the same life I would...but one who would just always be there...I could do that...and I know it would make me happy. But...I don't think that is how it works...so I am going to keep going...and try and figure out how this is all supposed to work.