90 degrees

Hearts are torn and bruises born, but a love so magnificent cannot be scorned.
Beyond this normalcy, far greater than art; always together, even if we’re apart.
The heart, so crucial and the mind-they cry, but our friendship extends beyond; even goodbye.

Excerpts from The Happy Warrior

This is who I want to be...some days I feel like I am, but some days I feel so far from this... ( I made the pronouns feminine)

Whose high endeavours are an inward light
That makes the path before her always bright:
Who, with a natural instinct to discern
What knowledge can perform, is diligent to learn;
Abides by this resolve, and stops not there,
But makes her moral being her prime care;

By objects, which might force the soul to abate
Her feeling, rendered more compassionate;

More skilful in self-knowledge, even more pure,
As tempted more; more able to endure,
As more exposed to suffering and distress;
Thence, also, more alive to tenderness.

A constant influence, a peculiar grace;
But who, if she be called upon to face
Some awful moment to which Heaven has joined
Great issues, good or bad for human kind,
Is happy as a Lover; and attired
With sudden brightness, like a woman inspired;
And, through the heat of conflict, keeps the law
In calmness made, and sees what she foresaw;

Finds comfort in herself and in her cause;
And, while the mortal mist is gathering, draws
Her breath in confidence of Heaven's applause:
This is the happy Warrior; this is She
That every Woman in arms should wish to be.

Especially on the Bad Days

It's very difficult to believe one thing and feel another. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and in so believing I believe that a relationship of a sexual, and romantic nature is reserved for one man and one woman. Unfortunately my...hormones...DNA...heart...head...whatever... does not so much feel that way.

This last weekend I was on a trip with some friends and watched a reenactment of what happened in Carthage Jail the day that Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were killed. When I was about four years old I went to Carthage and sat in that room, saw the bullet holes, and listened to a reenactment on tape of that very day. From that day on I never doubted in the truthfulness of the gospel. It was just true. No matter where I have been in my life...what I have been doing...it has always been true. When Alyson and I were in a relationship as much happiness, and pleasure and truly great and wonderful times there were...it ALWAYS came with deep torment and heartache.

I wish...so badly some days...that I could find a way to reconcile my attraction to females with the teachings of the gospel that I hold so near to me. I wish that I couldn't type a sentence stating I know these gospel teachings to be true. I wish so badly sometimes, that I did not know the truth...but then in those moments of frustration the thought comes to mind "No you don't Sam...because you see and know the bigger picture." But do I really...or is that something I have just trained by subconscious to throw into my conscious when my mind wanders into dangerous territory? Alex would tell me that it is my knowledge and testimony of the gospel...my true nature...my therapist would agree with her. And...I want to agree with them. But I doubt myself so greatly...so intensely...to a point of self loathing for the fact that I have done the things I have done with this supposed "knowledge" that I have. How could I have done what I did with Alyson...imagined what I have imagined and desired what I have with Alex...if I have that knowledge? Because I am not perfect? Because I am mortal? Because I was tempted, even as Christ...and in some cases unfortunately gave in?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on the earth today to contain the fullness of the gospel, including all rights and privileges of the Holy Priesthood. We have the Book of Mormon which truly is another testament of Jesus the Christ. It contains answers we need and the power to not only draw us closer to the Savior and in turn our Father in Heaven, but it also contains power that allows us to understand ourselves...who we are, why we're here, where we came from...in a way that no other book, or any other teachings can. The blessings of the Priesthood are real and powerful. The blessings of the Priesthood that are found in the holy temples, in the washing and anointing, in the endowment...there is real, awesome, power in them. Power that has kept me from giving in.

My Father in Heaven is aware of who I am. He is aware of the challenges I face...whether or not I feel that way everyday...it is true everyday. He has mapped out my life, my challenges, those I will meet, with such precision, tenderness, and love that there is no need for a plan B. The path I am on...that all of us are on as individuals is His plan for us...His Plan...not plan A...just His plan...our plan. I knew...we all knew what we were getting into before we came here. I believe that to be true...otherwise why would one third of our brothers and sisters decide not to come? The decision to come to this life, this world...could not have been an easy one...just as my decision to live this life I have choosen is not an easy one...every day it is difficult...and I think that everyday while we waited to come to this life was difficult...I am sure...knowing myself I went back and forth on an hourly basis (or however time is measured) about whether or not it was going to be worth it in this life...just as I go back and forth about the decisions I have made here and whether or not it is worth it in the next life.

Today is not my best day...today I miss my friend. I miss the love of my life. But...if I don't remind myself of who I am, what I believe, what I really want...that longing, that emptiness will never go away. The only way I know to lessen the pain is to remind myself of what is true, what I know is true.

The Flip Side

Having a rough day...my apologies to Alex for twisting her original words...


My heart is torn; my bruises born
My love, so magnificent, has been scorned.
Never together, always apart.
Not of normalcy, nor of art.
My heart, not partial; my mind has tried.
Ignorance or not-none can conceive of the cries.