a measure of me

Many in this world are afraid and angry with one another. While we understand these feelings, we need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interactions. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies. The vast majority of our members heed this counsel. Yet there are some who feel that venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important than conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior. It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable. Violence and vandalism are not the answer to our disagreements. If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ.  ~Quentin L Cook

"...how we disagree is a real measure of who we are..."

I've been thinking about this quite a bit the last couple weeks... how I treat those with whom I disagree.  I hope that it is with respect and dignity.  I hope that when I disagree it is never accompanied with belittling.  I know that has not always been the case...  

Imagine if you will, two girls. Standing across from each other in a kitchen.  These two girls...we will call them Sam and Alyson... were once in a loving relationship.  At the time of our scene Alyson is in a relationship...Sam is not.  The girls are discussing the definition of marriage and propositions to define marriage on a state and federal level.  The conversation is awkward and uncomfortable...Sam, not wanting to upset the girl she is still very much in love with and Alyson so angry at what she feels is Sam's "holier than thou" self righteous attitude.  (Ok so I'm not exactly sure what Alyson felt...but I think it is a very good assumption...since, let's be honest...I am Sam in this story and that was pretty much my attitude at the time).  As the conversation becomes more heated Sam begins to lose her cool and finally blurts out "marriage is between a man and a woman and is ordained of God".  This truth flew out of my mouth in tone not at all fitting the sanctity of it.  I'd never seen my words have a physical affect on someone until this point. I remember wishing so desperately that I could take back what I had just said.  But I couldn't.  Because it was what I believed...what I do believe.  But the pain I saw on Alyson's face...I've never forgotten that.

Fast forward seven years to last Saturday...and imagine the same two girls sitting across the table from one another in a restaurant having a similar discussion.  At present Alyson is STILL in that same relationship (having married her girlfriend in Canada five years prior) and Sam...well...Sam is...if I'm being honest...probably still a little bit in love with Alyson.  As these two girls sit across from one another and discuss the recent "fire" that has started once again over the definition of marriage the conversation has a much different tone than it did seven years ago.  This time the two girls both share their opinions, just as before...and yet this time...there is only respect...the kind of respect that accompanies a deep and abiding friendship.  

Aly and I still disagree...but I listen to her and I feel her pain...I really do.  Partly because there is a fine line between her and I.  With minimal effort I could be on her side of the line...not with her in a relationship...but in a relationship with a girl.  Because of that...because of the greater understanding I have of myself...I don't entirely disagree with what she is saying...but marriage is between one man and one woman...and I can't change that truth.  I wish so badly that the truth did not affect Aly's life.  I wish there was a way for all of us to be happy, to get what we want.  But as I mentioned in previous posts...neither side of this argument will ever agree with the other and neither will stop standing up for what they believe.  And somehow...in arriving at that realization, I'm able to listen to Alyson...to anyone who shares her same opinion and not get upset.  I see Aly the way I saw her the first time I met her...as the beautiful and kind girl that she is.  We don't agree with one another...(and maybe Aly laughs at me when she walks away and thinks I'm naive...I don't believe it...but maybe)...but we do respect one another and we love one another...the way that mankind should love one another (just to clarify).  

I don't know if this is what Elder Cook meant in his talk...but I can see the huge difference in myself since that horrible conversation seven years ago.  I feel like I've grown.  Become a little  kinder?  Perhaps a bit more charitable?  A bit more Christ-like?  I know I'm not perfect...and there are moments and people that I struggle to share this Christ-like love with...but I am trying.  When I am "measured"  I want the measurement to be a good one.  I want that measurement to show that I have grown closer to becoming more like my Savior...more like the Sam he knows I can be.

Yes

In case you don't want to watch the video:

My name is Michael Otterson. I am here representing the leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to address the matter of the petition presented today by the Human Rights Campaign.


While we disagree with the Human Rights Campaign on many fundamentals, we also share some common ground. This past week we have all witnessed tragic deaths across the country as a result of bullying or intimidation of gay young men. We join our voice with others in unreserved condemnation of acts of cruelty or attempts to belittle or mock any group or individual that is different – whether those differences arise from race, religion, mental challenges, social status, sexual orientation or for any other reason. Such actions simply have no place in our society.


This Church has felt the bitter sting of persecution and marginalization early in our history, when we were too few in numbers to adequately protect ourselves and when society’s leaders often seemed disinclined to help. Our parents, young adults, teens and children should therefore, of all people, be especially sensitive to the vulnerable in society and be willing to speak out against bullying or intimidation whenever it occurs, including unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex. This is particularly so in our own Latter-day Saint congregations. Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment - to love one another.


As a church, our doctrinal position is clear: any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and we define marriage as between a man and a woman. However, that should never, ever be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel. His interest was always to lift the individual, never to tear down.


Further, while the Church is strongly on the record as opposing same-sex marriage, it has openly supported other rights for gays and lesbians such as protections in housing or employment.


The Church’s doctrine is based on love. We believe that our purpose in life is to learn, grow and develop, and that God’s unreserved love enables each of us to reach our potential. None of us is limited by our feelings or inclinations. Ultimately, we are free to act for ourselves.


The Church recognizes that those of its members who are attracted to others of the same sex experience deep emotional, social and physical feelings. The Church distinguishes between feelings or inclinations on the one hand and behavior on the other. It’s not a sin to have feelings, only in yielding to temptation.


There is no question that this is difficult, but Church leaders and members are available to help lift, support and encourage fellow members who wish to follow Church doctrine. Their struggle is our struggle. Those in the Church who are attracted to someone of the same sex but stay faithful to the Church’s teachings can be happy during this life and perform meaningful service in the Church. They can enjoy full fellowship with other Church members, including attending and serving in temples, and ultimately receive all the blessings afforded to those who live the commandments of God.


Obviously, some will disagree with us. We hope that any disagreement will be based on a full understanding of our position and not on distortion or selective interpretation. The Church will continue to speak out to ensure its position is accurately understood.


God’s universal fatherhood and love charges each of us with an innate and reverent acknowledgement of our shared human dignity. We are to love one another. We are to treat each other with respect as brothers and sisters and fellow children of God, no matter how much we may differ from one another.


We hope and firmly believe that within this community, and in others, kindness, persuasion and goodwill can prevail.

A Very Fine Line

I'm still sick to my stomach...and in light of a few more comments and questions from friends I would like to continue my dialogue. 

I believe that I was born attracted to women, born gay, if you will.  But I do believe what Elder Packer says...that through the Atonement of Christ it can change.  I do NOT believe in aversion therapy of ANY kind...not one little bit.  And I don't really think that my attraction to women will change in this life.  What I DO know is that in the end..."when all is said and done"...that all will be as it should.  It does hurt to hear things like "immoral" and "impure" when referring to same sex attraction.  It is so tough to stomach those words when it isn't simply about who you want to have sex with, but who and how you love someone.  Love is such a joyful and beautiful emotion...and to call the love that a person has for another immoral or impure...it really does hurt.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm immune to hurt.   

But the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...the church that I DO belong to...is that acting upon (not having) feelings of same sex attraction/homosexuality is a sin. (The Church recognizes that those of its members who are attracted to others of the same sex experience deep emotional, social and physical feelings. The Church distinguishes between feelings or inclinations on the one hand and behavior on the other. It’s not a sin to have feelings, only in yielding to temptation.)  The gospel of Christ is indeed found in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And sexual relationships between two men or two women falls under the umbrellas of immorality...along with pornography, fornication, and adultery.  This is the doctrine of the LDS church.  I realize that it is incongruous with the beliefs of many...many who are not of my faith...and even many who are.  But marriage between one man and one woman is at the core of this gospel.

What we all need to realize and accept...embrace really...is this reality...neither side will ever give in to the other...the LDS church will continue to stand by it's definition of marriage...the LDS church will continue to stand up for that sacred belief.  The gay community and many others will continue to fight for the legalization of gay marriage.  They will continue to fight for civil rights for gay couples (something I VERY much believe in...though my belief is that marriage is a religious, not civil, right).  My hope is not so much that this fight will end...I'm not that idealistic nor optimistic...my hope is that each side will do its best to move forward with respect and kindness.  There are almost 7 billion people on this earth and upwards of 310 million of them live in the United States of America...there is not way we are all going to ever agree on the same issue.  What we should agree on is that we all must be kind and loving to one another...even when we STRONGLY disagree.

There is absolutely no place for bullying.  There is no place for denigration of any sort.  We must recognize there is a difference between stating ones beliefs and opinions and being a bully and a jerk.  I think it is a very fine line...one that will always be a challenge to walk.  That is where patience and kindness play perhaps their greatest roles.  It will be a miserable life for all of us with out them.

I hope

I am literally sick to my stomach over all the hurt and anger that has arisen on both sides of the issue in the last week.  It is cliche and perhaps even naive to wonder why we can't all just get along.  


Two opposing viewpoints...opposing viewpoints that will never reconcile themselves to one another...much the same way I feel that I may never be reconciled with myself...not in this world anyway. 


There are those that may not believe that my attraction towards women is real...that perhaps it is a way of making myself feel better because I'm a single 31 year old LDS woman...or there are those who perhaps think I'm a complete idiot for continuing to participate in a religion that would deny me the choice of being with the person to whom I am attracted...at least not without disciplinary action.  A religion where people judge me unrighteously and negatively despite the fact that I am NOT acting upon my feelings and in spite of counsel from the prophets and apostles that ALL people...ALL of Heavenly Father's children...be treated with love and compassion and kindness.


To anyone that would make a judgement or an assumption based on this one part of who I am...to you I say...I'm doing my best.  I really am.  And perhaps today my best is not as good as it was yesterday...and maybe tomorrow it won't even be as good as it is today...but maybe it will be even better.  I'm doing my best to live the gospel.  To be a good and kind person.  To honor my temple covenants.  To treat all of Father's children with love without sacrificing what I know to be right.


I do not think that life is going to get easier...I think it is only going to get more difficult and I hope and pray that I am able to continue to grow and move forward with charity and compassion...with understanding and steadfastness.  

some thoughts

this morning my brother emailed me asking what all the fuss was surrounding Elder Packer's talk that he gave during the Sunday morning session of General Conference.  As I said in my previous post I would listen to it again and think about it.  I have listened to it again...a few more times actually.  Below is my response to him, to everyone.

You know I have listened to that talk about five times since Sunday.  Funny thing is...the first time around it didn't really bother me other than one comment...and I talked to mom about it and then it didn't bother me anymore.

I'm not really sure why everyone is up in arms.  I thought at first it was because he was so direct and blunt...he wasn't really "showing the love"  :)  I told a friend that maybe it is because his voice is so gruff that people thought he was mad or something ;)  In all seriousness, he was very direct and blunt and it would have been nice to hear a "we love you" at the end...especially when in the last few months there have been at least four suicides reported of kids (11-18) who were bullied about being gay...I think that is where some of the outrage lies...a little bit anyway.  

But in the end what it comes down to is that people are upset because they disagree with him.  And despite all the calling for acceptance, I am sad to say that I think acceptance doesn't always exist...on either side of the argument.  All those outraged by this, gay or straight, are ignoring the fact that Elder Packer is speaking from his own frame of reference...which is a belief that gay marriage, homosexuality, any sexual impurity, pornography, etc... is wrong (because he was talking about all of them in his talk, not just about gay marriage or homosexuality).  That is what he believes, that is what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believes.  They (the outraged) fail to see that the core of the belief does not lie in hatred...but rather in teachings of right and wrong of the LDS church.  

People who are upset are basically calling for the LDS church to change their core beliefs.  That is just NEVER going to happen.  Because marriage will always be the sealing of one man to one woman.  I know that is true.  I have no doubt that it is.  But does it make it easier to hear?  Actually... a little bit it does...but it still hurts me for so many gay people who just want to live their lives their own way with the person they love...it hurts me for me sometimes.  But lots of things in life hurt everyone.  I don't blame anyone for wanting to be married...I think it is a fairly inborn desire...considering it is a bedrock of the plan of salvation...our spirits know it is the right thing to do...unfortunately...there are those of us out there who would rather marry someone of our same sex...and that, sadly, is NOT part of the bedrock of our eternal salvation.  And believe me...there are SOOOO many days where I wish it was.  But it isn't.  The gospel is true and therein is where I find strength.

As I have listened to his talk, over and over again...I cannot find anything to be upset about.  He spoke the truth.  He was straight (no pun intended) forward making no apologies.  I was grateful for Elder Eyring's talk at the beginning of that same session.  (He spoke on his faith and trust in the Lord's chosen apostles and prophets-in case you forgot.  I've listened to that one a few times as well).  That topic, Elder Eyring's words, they were truly inspired.  Perhaps I would have felt differently about Elder Packer's talk had I not listened to Elder Eyring's.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I believe the gospel is true and that were I to ever choose another path, it would be in the face of what I know to be true.  I would have to figure out a way to overcome the sorrow of choosing a path of "not all truth" because the gospel would never change in it's truthfulness.  It is true.  It is that ultimate truth that Elder Packer was talking about.  Gay marriage, whether legal or not, is never going to be ok just because man says it is.  A vote does not change the laws of God.

Not a day goes by that at some point, I don't wish that things were different.  Not a day goes by that I don't consider stepping away from the gospel and living my life differently. But I haven't yet...and perhaps I never will.  That seems like it would be a long lonely life...and I don't know if I have the will power to live my life without someone I love to share it with...but for now I have wonderful friends, a kick-ass family and belief in a loving and all knowing Father in Heaven.

To listen to Elder Packer's and Elder Eyring's talks in their entirety click here


“I have heard the calls for change in our church’s policy on this subject. I have read Carol Lynn Pearson’s books and wept as I read them. I don’t think the evolution of our policies will go as far as many would like. Rather I think the evolution will be one of better understanding. I believe our concept of marriage is part of the bedrock of our doctrine and will not change. I believe our policy will continue to be that gay members of the Church must remain celibate. However, I want you to know that as a result of being with you this morning, my aversion to homophobia has grown. I know that many very good people have been deeply hurt, and I know that the Lord expects better of us.”
Marlin K Jensen

General Conference

I've received a few texts from friends and read quite a few posts in the LDS/gay (I don't really know what to call it) blogosphere regarding the talk in General Conference by Elder Boyd K Packer earlier today.  I'm going to listen to it again tomorrow and think more about it.  I haven't really thought too much about it because I spent a wonderful day with my fabulous family.  What I would like to share is a story that I came across recently and it filled me with hope, and renewed conviction.  (Incidentally, yesterday while I was watching conference I thought to myself about how it would be nice if they would address the issue of same sex attraction in conference, they same way they so directly address the issue of pornography...prayers are answered? :)  I also am appreciative of Elder Eyring's testimony at the beginning of the Sunday morning session regarding his conviction in the Lord's chosen apostles).

As election time drew nearer for Proposition 8 in California it seemed that every night on the local news were stories of families whose lives were being deeply affected by the campaign...both sides...each night I would be in tears by the end of the news report.  I was torn by the issue...but I believe what it says in the proclamation on the family...and what Elder Jensen reaffirms in such a loving way below.

ELDER MARLIN K. JENSEN LISTENS TO PAIN CAUSED BY PROP 8

--Carol Lynn Pearson

At an early morning meeting prior to the ten o’clock session of the Oakland Stake Conference on September 19th, a remarkable event occurred. Marlin K. Jensen, a general authority of the LDS Church, listened intently as members of the stake, invited specifically for the purpose, voiced the grief they had experienced as a result of their church’s involvement in Proposition 8 as well as the broader history of programs and policies relating to gay and lesbian members.

The meeting was opened by President Dean Criddle, who in 2009 had, along with his two counselors, given moving presentations to the adults of every ward in the stake on the subject of reaching out with love and understanding to our gay brothers and sisters. (See http://www.clpearson.com/oaklandstake.htm.) In his introductory remarks, President Criddle reported that Elder Jensen had offered to get together with members of the stake whom the Stake Presidency felt might benefit from meeting in a more intimate setting with a visiting general authority. President Criddle advised Elder Jensen that many families and individuals in our stake continued to feel wounded in the aftermath of the Proposition 8 campaign and said that it would mean a great deal to many of these members to know that the general authorities are aware of their experience. President Criddle had suggested that Elder Jensen offer to listen to a few of these people tell their stories. Elder Jensen had graciously agreed.

Elder Jensen greeted us warmly, assuring us that he was there to listen, that he would share our stories and comments with the other Brethren. He urged us to be honest in our expressions, then turned the microphone over to whomever chose to speak. The rest of the hour was profoundly emotional, cathartic, and I am certain rewarding for all who were there. About 90 people attended the meeting, each at the specific invitation of a Bishop or a member of the Stake Presidency. Time allowed thirteen of these people to speak. Several expressed devotion to the Church in spite of the pain they had experienced. Some speakers expressed anger that the Proposition 8 campaign had given people “a license to hate”–expressed amazement that our church could have led a campaign that violated its own principles, a campaign in which love was not in evidence, in which Christ seemed to have been forgotten–expressed sorrow that a family who previously had managed to come together in loving inclusion of their gay brother and his husband and their child found themselves ripped apart by the Proposition 8 campaign.

For me personally the highlight of the stories shared was that of my dear friend Connell O’Donovan, who began by saying through his tears, “For many years the Mormon Church violated my soul.” He told of his journey, so similar to that of thousands of LDS gay men and women, going through “the Lord’s program for my cure,” the fasting, the praying, the mission, the disastrous marriage, the hypnotherapy, being sent to BYU for “vomit aversion therapy”—all as he determinedly followed the counsel of his priesthoodleaders. As he described the horrendous ordeal of the aversion therapy and his eventual refusal to undergo it, the emotion in the room became more audible. My friend Diana, sitting beside me, began to sob, and continued sobbing through the rest of the meeting. Many in the room were crying. As Connell concluded, he said that he felt an apology was needed to help heal the pain, help both the Church and the gay members move forward.

Elder Jensen, who had been taking notes constantly, arose and through his tears said, “I know that never in my life will I experience an hour quite like this one.” He said he had heard very clearly the pain that had been expressed and that “to the full extent of my capacity I say that I am sorry.”

There was never a statement suggesting that Elder Jensen felt the Church’s support of Proposition 8 was an error or that he was apologizing for that event. He said, “I have heard the calls for change in our church’s policy on this subject. I have read Carol Lynn Pearson’s books and wept as I read them. I don’t think the evolution of our policies will go as far as many would like. Rather I think the evolution will be one of better understanding. I believe our concept of marriage is part of the bedrock of our doctrine and will not change. I believe our policy will continue to be that gay members of the Church must remain celibate. However, I want you to know that as a result of being with you this morning, my aversion to homophobia has grown. I know that many very good people have been deeply hurt, and I know that the Lord expects better of us.”

Elder Jensen added that in his experience the general authorities of the Church are as good-hearted a group of men as could be found anywhere, perhaps not perfect, but trying hard to do what is right and that they entered the Proposition 8 campaign without malice.

Every person I have talked to who was there felt they had witnessed and experienced something quite remarkable. I personally felt it to be a landmark event. Whatever the “promised land” on this subject will look like when our LDS community finally arrives there, no one can at present say. But the richly rewarding meeting in the Oakland Stake Center on September 19th, 2010 was a very important step.