(not) all about me

I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure our goodness by what we embrace, what we create and who we include.

-Pere Henri, Chocolat

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I think we...I...tend to base my successes on what I deny myself and what I resist (hopefully NOT who I exclude...because we shouldn't be excluding anyone).  And though it is important to resist many things in this life that are tempting and will lead us away from the gospel path, our Father and our Savior...there are so many more things we can actually be doing that will bring us closer to all three of those AND without much conscious effort we will be steering ourselves clear of temptations.  

I think this is comparable to sins of commission verses sins of omission.  It is easy to look at what I have done, in terms of NOT choosing the right...but I so often forget to see all the times that I DO choose the right.  And even if I do recognize those moments, I don't think I really give myself a deserved pat on the back.  I'm not saying that we should have a parade for ourselves each time we do something good, but I think that as we are more able to see the goodness in ourselves we will find ourselves further along on the straight and narrow...further along than perhaps we might be if we are only judging ourselves based on what we do resist.  

The truth is, I am human.  And though I strive each day (some days with greater conviction than others...today being a "less conviction" kind of day) to resist all the temptations around me, I am not always...actually I'm not ever as successful as I would like to be.  Maybe some of you are.  Maybe some of you are pros at resisting.  (Perhaps we could get in touch and have lessons). But I am not.  And though I will work my whole life to overcome all the temptations that I may face, I know that I will not achieve perfection in that goal.  That reality is somewhat disheartening to me.  However, what counter acts that, and gives me the motivation that I need to live a righteous life, is recognizing when I do embrace others, when I do create something to put out in the world that is beautiful or helpful or inspiring or funny, etc... and I definitely find great fulfillment and a continued desire to continue towards the gospel in my relationships with my friends and family.  When I let others into my life, when their successes and failures bring me joy or heartache, when I find my love for them becoming more Christlike, it is then that my desire for righteousness and success in this life is increased one hundred fold.  

My life really is so much better when it isn't all about me.

Am I really that backwards?

Today I had an interesting conversation with a friend...or rather the information gleaned in the conversation was interesting and thought provoking.  She was talking about her friends who are gay and unlike me are pursing same sex relationships.  She said that most of her friends that are gay, have at one time or another said that if they had a choice, they would not choose to be gay.  I was genuinely surprised by this as one who is attracted to women and am a woman myself.

My feelings on the matter have tended to lean towards something like this, "I wish that there was a way for me to be with the woman of my dreams and have all the blessings of the gospel."  Or, "I wish that being gay was just a regular part of life and not against the plan of  Salvation."

I don't think my feelings have always leaned that way...in fact when I was about 13 or 14 (8th grade sometime) I was beginning to realize that I was a bit, and by bit I mean significantly, more attracted to girls than boys.  With this realization came the beginning of a self loathing that would last for years and years.  When that self loathing began to subside was about the time that I began to feel at ease with all the parts of my self...natural born, nurture born or a little bit of both...I am who I am and will strive to be the best version of that person.

As the self acceptance has grown, my attitude about my attraction has changed.  I no longer see it as a frustrating aspect of who I am...well...sexually frustrating, yes...after all, I am a women in my early thirties...sexual prime folks!  But I digress.  I don't hate this part of myself.  It is what it is.  And in spite of it, or anything else that interferes with my eternal salvation, I will do my best to get back to my Father in Heaven.  But perhaps it is because I am mortal, or misinformed or...I don't know...but rather than hoping that this attraction never was a part of me, that I was "straight" I tend to find myself wishing I could settle down and raise a family with the girl I love and live a Christ centered life with the gospel at the core.

Is that odd?  Is that wrong?  Should I be thinking that if I had a choice it wouldn't be this?  Should I be wishing that I didn't like women?  I suppose that a little part of me feels like I should.  But another part of me, a not so little part of me...in fact pretty much 99.9% of me, feels like in this life, it is between us and God and we work out our lives and our salvation with Him...no one else.  No one else matters.  No one else's opinion or view or suggestion or belief.  Only my Father in Heaven's.  So if I feel like my Father doesn't mind me wishing I could be with the girl of my dreams, than I'm golden.  And if he does...well, He and I will work that out.  He knows what I ultimately want.

Am I totally off base here?

Come Thou Fount