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Abigal

Last night I had a dream about an old friend. Her name is (not really) Abigal. I met her in fourth grade. I remember feeling, instantly, that I wanted to be friends with her. She had...has...this amazing smile. It is this grin that takes over her entire face, and this way about her that just made me want to be her friend. Lucky for me, Abi and I did become friends...unfortunately I left for a different school after that year and did not see her again until junior high. We were kind of friends in junior high...oddly enough she was really close to two people I was close to...but we never became as great of friends as I hoped we could...good friends nonetheless, just not "bff's"...but I have always had a special place in my heart for her, and still hold on to the hope that someday, we can be friends again...better friends this time around...and according to my dream last night, I may be looking for more than that.

It really bites when you wake up from a dream and your heart is aching...especially when you didn't even have a super close relationship with the person your aching for!!! In my dream we ran into each other in some strange place...out in the sort of country, up the road from one of my other friend's homes. I went to see Abi, knowing she was the one that was there...and when I reached her, it was just emotionally overwhelming...for lack of a better description. I think eventually we may have kissed in the dream. I don't quite remember...I just remember kind of not wanting to wake up this morning (although that was also because I was super tired) and when I did wake up my heart hurt. Stupid dreams.

I realize I'm not the only one that has dreams like these...but it just adds insult to injury. It's like my mind is teasing me with what it knows will probably be something, someone, I will never have in my life again. Stupid brain.

Kids...I'm not worrying about kids.

A little over a year ago I wrote this. It's odd...I don't really feel any of it anymore. It started to change a few months ago...at least the kids part...one day I just realized that I didn't want kids...and not for some "noble" reason...but because I like my single life...well not so much life without a significant other, but I don't want kids. I don't want to have to deal with them day in and day out...they are stressful and needy and I have become so selfish...so much so that the thought of having to worry about someone twenty four seven because they can't take care of themselves...ugh...it is not something I want to do right now. I know I sound like a horrible person...I feel like a horrible person. I can't believe I have fallen so far. When I'm with my friends who have children, I LOVE being around their kids. I love to hold them, I love to hold my nephew. I love to play with them...but I love it because I am giving them back when I've had enough. How did I get here?

Where is my peace?

Can I really give up a relationship for the truth? Because the relationship wouldn't be a lie...so it's more like giving up one truth for another. Both are right...but one is more right? Is that right? The intimacy...the emotional intimacy that comes with a relationship is something that I think I was just born wanting...and the thought of never having that in this life makes my heart hurt and my stomach ache. But then...how can I give up the privilege of attending the temple? Of wearing my garments? I wish I could just feel a small, teeny, tiny bit of exaltation...because I've felt that intimacy and that love that I ache for...and I KNOW how wonderful it is...but all I can do is BELIEVE how wonderful and beyond human explanation exaltation is...do I have the faith...some days I think I do...until I'm reminded of what that intimacy feels like, the joy and peace it brings...Perhaps I've never truly felt the peace that the gospel can bring...how to I feel that? How do I find that?