I know why I couldn't do it...why I couldn't keep the pills down...why I will never have a girlfriend...why I will continue to live a life that feels so conflicting at times...because this [the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints] isn't just an institution that preaches good values, and morals, and some truth...it is THE truth housed in an imperfect institution. I know that. I have known that since age four. It has been a blessing and my saving grace throughout my life...and at times has been the bane of my existence...knowing what is true...and wanting what is contrary to that truth...I feel as though I am being ripped in two at times. It is so often overwhelming...it feels as if it is too much to bear...and last night...it did become too much...but even when it was too much...I still could not give up...because the truth was still there.
I know that this knowledge is a great blessing...and for that I have deep gratitude...but it also feels like a curse...if I didn't know the truth...I could easily find a girlfriend...I could have made an effort with Alex and possibly won her over...I would still be with Allyson...and frankly...I would probably be happy. My family would still love me...and I would be some one's favorite person...I would have that person to have a nightly routine with...that deep, emotional, intimate connection...
I am sure that there are those out there who may read this, or something like unto it, and be so disgusted, or saddened because they might feel as if I have been brainwashed...but I am not an idiot...I am actually quite intelligent. I know what I know because I have sought the truth for myself...because I wanted to know, I needed to know. And because of that I will continue to find myself at odds with myself...and probably others. And I will continue to be exhausted and frustrated...to be in pain...to feel an intense stab of loneliness on a daily and sometimes hourly basis...but...I will keep going...because what else can I do?
25 August 2008
"How did I get here..."
So Sunday night I was an idiot. I put almost an entire bottle of sleeping pills in my mouth and started to swallow...I sat on my bathroom floor trying to swallow and then gagging myself...eventually I did pull myself up to my sink and spit/puke them out and washed them down the drain.
I am sitting here sick to my stomach that I even could get that close. I just got so overwhelmed this weekend. It was such an emotional weekend...some positive, even euphoric feelings of happiness...and then...lowest of lows. I haven't had an emotional spike that severe in a long time. However...now I know that even when I am on the edge...hanging off by only a few fingers...I am not going completely over...I couldn't do it...for whatever reason...because I am scared...because I am weak...because I am strong...because I'm not an idiot...I don't know...I am feeling pretty confused right now.
I told Alex what happened today. I was nervous to tell her, and it was over the phone, so who knows what her true reaction was...but saying it out loud makes me feel sicker...and the reality of what I could have done is sinking in deeper. Who was that last night? Some twisted and broken version of Sam? I don't know...I know that I am feeling confused, and frustrated today...I was stupid and selfish.
But I couldn't do it...in the end...I couldn't...I won't. Talk about self-inflicted refiner's fire.
But I hurt...I ache for the emotional intimacy. I miss it so much...more than I want to admit, more than I can stand, more than I should.......................??
I am sitting here sick to my stomach that I even could get that close. I just got so overwhelmed this weekend. It was such an emotional weekend...some positive, even euphoric feelings of happiness...and then...lowest of lows. I haven't had an emotional spike that severe in a long time. However...now I know that even when I am on the edge...hanging off by only a few fingers...I am not going completely over...I couldn't do it...for whatever reason...because I am scared...because I am weak...because I am strong...because I'm not an idiot...I don't know...I am feeling pretty confused right now.
I told Alex what happened today. I was nervous to tell her, and it was over the phone, so who knows what her true reaction was...but saying it out loud makes me feel sicker...and the reality of what I could have done is sinking in deeper. Who was that last night? Some twisted and broken version of Sam? I don't know...I know that I am feeling confused, and frustrated today...I was stupid and selfish.
But I couldn't do it...in the end...I couldn't...I won't. Talk about self-inflicted refiner's fire.
But I hurt...I ache for the emotional intimacy. I miss it so much...more than I want to admit, more than I can stand, more than I should.......................??
22 August 2008
journal entry 3rd August 2008
The following is an entry in my journal:
I was doing so well. But I'm not ok. The depression seems to be returning...almost as if it were a living thing...taking over my body, returning with a vengeance. I lay in my bed...my only wish is to let this life be over. I remember that I have a bottle of Xanax in my drawer-I don't know how many it would take to kill me, but I have almost a whole bottle left. It would do the trick. Two thoughts hold me here- 1) my parents...would be so disappointed...2)my siblings. If I ever wanted to be worthy of the title of her friend this is not the way to do it. But I hurt...though it is only because of myself that I hurt. No one else. Sometimes that is what stops me-I am the one that hurts-no one deserves to suffer because of my pain. It hasn't been this bad for a while
Last night I met with my therapist. I told her about this when she asked how I had been with thoughts of suicide. I really have been ok...minus the above mentioned night. The thing about taking my life...it does no good...and it would be an insult to all those who love and support me...who have faith in me...and it would only cause hurt...hurt that could not be taken back, that may not dissipate with time...my siblings, my mom, Alex, Ky, Grey... so many. It is not the way to go. But in a clear moment like now, it is much easier to have convictions in that. In those low moments like August 3rd...I am not myself...I am someone else; a someone who does not have my strength, and power, my faith and knowledge. The goal is not to find a way to overcome those feelings of ending my life, but rather overcoming that person that takes over the real Sam in those moments.
I was doing so well. But I'm not ok. The depression seems to be returning...almost as if it were a living thing...taking over my body, returning with a vengeance. I lay in my bed...my only wish is to let this life be over. I remember that I have a bottle of Xanax in my drawer-I don't know how many it would take to kill me, but I have almost a whole bottle left. It would do the trick. Two thoughts hold me here- 1) my parents...would be so disappointed...2)my siblings. If I ever wanted to be worthy of the title of her friend this is not the way to do it. But I hurt...though it is only because of myself that I hurt. No one else. Sometimes that is what stops me-I am the one that hurts-no one deserves to suffer because of my pain. It hasn't been this bad for a while
Last night I met with my therapist. I told her about this when she asked how I had been with thoughts of suicide. I really have been ok...minus the above mentioned night. The thing about taking my life...it does no good...and it would be an insult to all those who love and support me...who have faith in me...and it would only cause hurt...hurt that could not be taken back, that may not dissipate with time...my siblings, my mom, Alex, Ky, Grey... so many. It is not the way to go. But in a clear moment like now, it is much easier to have convictions in that. In those low moments like August 3rd...I am not myself...I am someone else; a someone who does not have my strength, and power, my faith and knowledge. The goal is not to find a way to overcome those feelings of ending my life, but rather overcoming that person that takes over the real Sam in those moments.
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