A ton of 'em.

Sometimes things hit me like this.

I can't breathe and then everything starts to ache...

But I've noticed that though it always feels equally as painful...the pain doesn't always have the same effect.  My state of mind tends to determine the extent to which the pain affects me.

So my main goal is to keep a more upbeat state of mind so that when those "bricking" moments hit...though it might throw me off my game...it will only be momentarily.

Any hints on keeping the upbeat state of mind?

ch...ch...changes...

Life can turn on a dime.  I feel better...not like...I'm totally happy and going to be forever better...but better than I have in a long time...better to the point that I can see myself...catch glimpses of the person that I have been/can be again.  It started last Friday and has gotten progressively better over the last week.
Driving home from Provo with my mom she was talking about the last time she bore her testimony in church and how she expressed gratitude for her children and their righteous choices in life; especially because those choices aren't the easiest and we don't have to make them...but we do, and she is grateful.  Her expression of gratitude remained near the forefront of my mind as the weekend continued.  Sunday as I sat in sacrament meeting I suddenly felt glad to be in church...and it has been months since I have felt that way.  I also renewed my temple recommend on Sunday and as I walked out of the stake president's office it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders...it was not as if I'd just been to the temple, but knowing that I could go...that the recommend in my hand was current...it made a difference.  And then yesterday  I was chatting with Alex and I could suddenly just see myself again.  I don't remember Alex saying anything in particular that suddenly "flipped a switch"...but I guess...realizing that she is the definition of a best friend...and understanding that she isn't ever going give up on me...it helped.  I know that Alex believes in my goodness and my ability to succeed...and I guess yesterday I started to believe that again.

Thoughts of failure and doubt still plague my mind but at least there is some sort of "front line" to keep them at bay while I try and rally more troops for back up.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss



I want this so badly...so badly to have a "coming out party"...not because I want to come out and start dating girls...but just so people know that I like girls and it isn't this secret that I carry.


And I'm not entirely sure where or what this desire stems from...I guess I see how much better my relationships are with family and friends who know.  

righteously upset?

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have."

Can I BE righteously upset?  And what exactly am I upset about?

• Am I upset because I am attracted to girls?
• Am I upset because what I believe...what I know to be true conflicts with my attraction to said girls?
• Am I upset because I've become someone that I hate?
• Am I upset because I need medication to keep from going to "dark and twisty" places?

And then regardless of WHY I am upset...is it even OK for me to be upset?  

• if I'm attracted to girls I could just date girls.
• if I know the gospel is true, then I live the gospel.
• I've let myself become a person I hate...so I change who I am.
• I deal with the fact that my problems are brought on by a chemical imbalance and meds will balance it right out.

So if there are answers to all my frustrations...then is there any such thing as righteous anger?  And can I have that righteous anger...can I BE righteously upset?

Stop Gap

something that fills the place of something else that is lacking; temporary substitute; make-shift.

These, stop gaps, these are what my life is composed off..."things" that just numb the pain...only for a few seconds, so it seems...and then temporary substitute wears off, runs out, loses it's "mojo", etc...and I am back to falling into the seemingly endless gap that is my life...at least that is how I feel.  I'm not trying to be melodramatic, or garner sympathy from all five of my readers...that is just how I feel.  

Nothing I do is ever going to be a real fix...everything will always be a stop gap...at least until the other side...and even then...who knows when that will happen.