Just FYI

After spending the weekend with one of the coolest and all around greatest people I have ever met, and after a blessing from my brother, a reprimand from the Lord, and the support of some of my closest friends I have come to a decision. I may be shooting myself in the foot by saying this; and I may even screw things up...but I just have decided not to ever have a girlfriend. I have found myself walking with one foot on each side of the line. Having looked at both sides of the line...there is just too much on the side of having a girlfriend that is not me.

Someday I may change my mind, because I get too lonely, or whatever. But I figure that taking a stand is better than remaining undecided. So I have taken my stand and I am running with it.

I am grateful for my friends, and their support; for my brother and sister in law; for the truth that I have in my life; for a loving Father in Heaven; and Savior and His Atonement.

A Path I'd Like to Walk

Last night as I lay in bed, I wished that I could have come to terms with my sexual orientation differently. I wish it would have been something that I discovered in high school with Grey, or now with Alex, or…I guess what I am truly wishing is that I could have discovered it unhindered (which is probably not the word I should use, but it is how I felt last night) by my beliefs. As I was lying there I was thinking about why I couldn't’t come to terms with it exactly how I would like to (just going out and meeting girls, and seeing what happens). And I realized that it is because my knowledge and faith in the truth holds me back…even in my bitterness, and (at times) disdain for my Father in Heaven the truth is still there…and because of that truth…because of the covenants that I have made…I can’t. I want to. I want to so badly. I want to discover a relationship with the knowledge that I have now regarding my sexual preference. I want to feel that with someone.

However…as badly as I want that…apparently I want something more…even on days when I swim in my disdain for my beliefs, for where I came from, and where I can go…I can’t let go of what I know is true and somewhere inside me, in what my therapist would probably refer to as my true core self… I am happier for it…in fact…that girl, that soul…must be pretty damn strong because she seems to be winning the war…she may not claim glory in every battle…but the war seems to be hers. She seems to have this immovable foundation in this truth. In this constant battle of “natural Sam” verses “soul Sam”…even when “soul Sam” is hanging on by her finger nails, her nails are dug in deep enough to hold off “natural Sam”. How is that possible? Strange question to ask seeing as how I am writing in the third person, and should know how this is all possible, but I have no idea…other than what I have already said…”soul Sam” is pretty damn strong, and her foundation has been built with something that I (whoever, “I” is) seem to know very little about.

Which brings me to my next quandary…who am I, really? What is this foundation built on, or with? And am I alone in this war? Who stands with me?