As I watched the clip from Elder Busche's talk that I have posted on this blog, I was reminded that someday, all of this suffering, all this frustration, all this hurt and agony that I feel, will end. So for now I will do my best to "Put all frustrations, hurt feelings and grumblings into the perspective of [my] eternal hope." so that "Light will flow into [my] soul."
Unfortunately, it is insanely difficult right now to keep this at the for front of my mind. While on the one hand, I know what Elder Busche is saying is true, I cannot help but be overwhelmed with the exhaustion and sadness that comes from giving up something/someone that I long to have.
I want to do what is right...but it is difficult to do what is right when the line between the two is not clear...when the difference between right and wrong is not black at white, at least not on an emotional level.
We are emotional creatures...does perfection mean that we become emotionless? Is that how God manages to "choose the right" all the time? I don't believe that, but I'm so unable to grasp the idea of a world in which my emotions will not always get the better of me...or rather, and perhaps more correctly...grasp the idea of a world in which I will NOT be attracted to girls.
25 January 2010
23 January 2010
Pearls Before Swine
Last night I went to dinner, as per usual, with Ky. We actually mixed it up a little and did dinner AND a movie! GO US! As we sat at dinner chatting, inevitably the topic of my struggle with my sexual orientation came up. It is of course something that we joke about or mention in our everyday casual conversation, but it had been a while since we'd had a more serious, heartfelt discussion about it.
It is always somewhat painful to think about, and talk about, but it also helps, and Ky is a best friend, without whom I would be in a serious world of hurt...which I could argue that I am in a world of hurt...limbo is painful...but because of Ky it is a thousand times easier. But I digress (although in a good way)...We discussed many aspects of my struggle...and in honest exasperation I said,
"I would KILL to date any one of these girls!" This was in reference to discussing the amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, women that I constantly find myself surrounded by. I continued,
"And yet, here they all are...single! No guys are dating them! And here I am...dying to do so...knowing that I would be the best non-boy boyfriend they would ever have! What a waste! I'm a waste. All these dating skills...and for what!?" Here I am...struggling every damn day to make the right choice...all the while the choice I want is standing right in front of me and I can't have it...rather, I can't have her (whoever "her" is...I'm not talking in specifics). As I shared this conversation earlier today with another friend, I told her it was like casting pearls before swine. And it is...what is wrong with these guys?! If I could be with the person (again general) I wanted to be with I would not be a swine while pearls were cast in front of me. I would take each and every opportunity to get to know the amazing women out there...whether a friendship developed or a more serious relationship developed, it is irrelevant. It would just be nice to date...to put my awesome dating skills to good use. But alas...I use them to no end...although I do appreciate the friends I have who DO recognize my great dating skills...they will only ever be my friends...bummer...because they are the amazing, intelligent, gorgeous girls I'm referring to.
It is always somewhat painful to think about, and talk about, but it also helps, and Ky is a best friend, without whom I would be in a serious world of hurt...which I could argue that I am in a world of hurt...limbo is painful...but because of Ky it is a thousand times easier. But I digress (although in a good way)...We discussed many aspects of my struggle...and in honest exasperation I said,
"I would KILL to date any one of these girls!" This was in reference to discussing the amazing, gorgeous, intelligent, women that I constantly find myself surrounded by. I continued,
"And yet, here they all are...single! No guys are dating them! And here I am...dying to do so...knowing that I would be the best non-boy boyfriend they would ever have! What a waste! I'm a waste. All these dating skills...and for what!?" Here I am...struggling every damn day to make the right choice...all the while the choice I want is standing right in front of me and I can't have it...rather, I can't have her (whoever "her" is...I'm not talking in specifics). As I shared this conversation earlier today with another friend, I told her it was like casting pearls before swine. And it is...what is wrong with these guys?! If I could be with the person (again general) I wanted to be with I would not be a swine while pearls were cast in front of me. I would take each and every opportunity to get to know the amazing women out there...whether a friendship developed or a more serious relationship developed, it is irrelevant. It would just be nice to date...to put my awesome dating skills to good use. But alas...I use them to no end...although I do appreciate the friends I have who DO recognize my great dating skills...they will only ever be my friends...bummer...because they are the amazing, intelligent, gorgeous girls I'm referring to.
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