"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

28 July 2010

Matthew Arnold read my mind


Wandering between two worlds, one dead
The other powerless to be born,
With nowhere yet to rest my head
Like these, on earth I wait forlorn.
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27 July 2010

still nothing...

Still no change...I'm still not motivated to go to church...and I don't want to fake it until I make it.  I've lost my faith.  I still have my belief...but my faith is gone...maybe not gone completely...but I can't feel it anymore.
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11 July 2010

Lately

Lately I haven't felt much like enduring.  I've very much felt like giving up and giving in...meaning giving up the gospel influence in my life and giving in to my desire to be with a girl.  I've let a lot of things fall by the wayside...scriptures, church attendance, temple attendance, my temple recommend (it has expired and I haven't been to church to renew it)...I in no way mean to boast about any of this...I'm just being honest about my lack of endurance lately.  I haven't stopped believing that the gospel is true, and I haven't stopped paying my tithing...that is something that I will always try to do...regardless of where I am in life.  How can I not?  Everything in my life is from my Father...including the agency I have.  Though I'm not exactly using it "correctly"...for if I were, I would be using it to choose the path that my Father would have me choose...but I can't right now.  I can't seem to get myself up off the ground.  My bootstraps feel too worn.

However...today I found a small amount of motivation...as I was reading the news I was once again reminded of how AWESOME things in the world are going...even in the "good ol' US of A"...as I thought about how things are going in this world and in my own life I was reminded that the only way I will be able to find even just a small measure of peace is if I have the gospel in my life in a significant way.

I'm not about to go read my scriptures for the rest of the night...and if I'm being honest...I'm not all that sure that I will make it to church tomorrow...but...I don't know...I don't exactly know what will happen...but it was good to be reminded...


"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting." e.e.
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