On a Saturday night...

I'm home.

Watching a movie...a good movie at that.

Enjoying my very clean and rearranged apartment.

And feeling kind of sad about the fact that I bought a Swiffer Wet Jet today.

Let me start by saying that I am NOT AT ALL disappointed in my purchase...on the contrary I'm in love with it. If I had owned a mop to begin with it would be in the garbage can right now pinning away for me. As it were, I clean my floor on my hands and knees with a towel. But not anymore thanks to my new Wet Jet!

The sad part about the Wet Jet (ok...can we all just stop for a moment and have a hearty laugh about the name of this product...ok done) is that I bought one for myself. I buy many things for myself...I go to so many showers and at almost every one, a Swiffer Wet Jet is given as a gift. It has become the bane of my single existence. A painful reminder that I will not have a bridal shower, or a baby shower...that all those fun gifts you get (and the not so fun ones that you get to return) will not be gifts, but things that I buy one at a time and enjoy, perhaps even more than if they were gifts...but still...it would be nice to have a shower.

Somewhat of a misrepresentation

Today I've been listening to Mika's Happy Ending. It's a sneaky song...very upbeat and catchy...and yet...those lyrics...HEART WRENCHING. At the same time...so very true for me. Again...I don't mean to be on the self pitying side...the interesting thing about the song is that I think it is perfect. Because when heart break happens...there is no hope, no love, and no glory...but you just keep going...and you get out of bed and deal with things...and things might even be chipper and fun all around you...but that "No Happy Ending" ...it is still there. And yet...we can't live our lives without hope, without love, and even without glory...so we find things to carry us there, push us forward...and yet those unhappy ending moments are still there...and they ARE difficult stories to tell...some of the hardest that I have ever told for sure...but I can't stop living my life...somehow, in the midst of the sadness...we soldier on.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish you well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' every day

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

A Little bit of love, little bit of love
Little bit of love, little bit of love

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
To live the rest of our life,
But not together.

I don't really believe this, but a girl's gotta wonder...

Last night was a rough night...as many of my nights are...I've been really overwhelmed lately between a job I hate, school, where I should go with my life...you know...the usual. Anyway...as I lay in my bed...trying to formulate some sort of comprehensive prayer I had a thought come to me...it went a little something like this...maybe the reason that Heavenly Father allowed me to like girls was so that I wouldn't feel as bad about not getting married...since I like girls, that is my excuse for not being married...whereas if I didn't like girls and I wasn't married I would just feel like an ugly loser.

I realize that thought is dripping with idiocy and self pity...but it has been a rough few months...and some days, some months...hell, some years...are just really tough. But today is an new day and I have tests to fail!

51!?

The other day I was speaking with my biology professor. She was telling me about her friend. He is a gay. He was raised in the LDS church. He is 51 and he STILL struggles with his sexuality verses his religion! AT 51!!! I don't want to be struggling with this so pointedly in 20 years!! It makes me sick to my stomach and exhausted to think about that...it makes me want to cry. Somethings gotta give at some point. I'm exhausted and frustrated and stressed.

Truths can't contradict each other...how can these two things be true at the same time? My feelings for girls are as real as my knowledge of the gospel...and I suppose my knowledge of the gospel should provide some sort of explanation for my feelings...but it doesn't...it just tells me that I shouldn't act on my feelings. It doesn't say they are fake. So is the gospel fake? I don't really think it is...but like I said...something has got to give!

Good ol' P.B.

Today the lyrics that I find myself hearing over and over in my head are these:

Many times I've tried to tell you

Many times I've cried alone.

Always I'm surprised how well

You cut my feelings to the bone.

Don't wanna leave you, really.

I've invested too much time

To give you up that easy

To the doubts that complicate your mind.

I know it may seem a bit melodramatic...but as I was listening to this song last night, I thought of Aly...this was applicable the first time I walked away...well tried...the second time we walked away...and were successful...and today...I cannot seem to get over her...WHY?! I tell myself so often that it is because of our physical intimacy...that a connection like that is not easily forgotten...not until, perhaps, another is made...and yet...it isn't just about being physically close to Aly...It's about those quiet moments we shared, talking or not talking...coming home from school after a crappy day and knowing that she would be there to make my day better...knowing that she always KNEW when I was having a bad day...and vice versa...knowing Aly so well that I knew when things weren't her best...standing in the middle of her bedroom hugging her after she found out her parents were getting divorced...driving all over the state with her...ugh...I miss her.

"For one human being to love another, that is perhaps the most difficult of all tasks. The work for which all other work is but preparation." Rainer Maria Rilke

In My Secret Life

Sometimes these lyrics are a perfect description of how I am feeling...and sometimes they aren't...today...I find myself somewhere in between.

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can’t seem to loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There’s no one in sight.
And we’re still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get by.
But I know what is wrong,
And I know what is right.
And I’d die for the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My Secret Life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealer wants you thinking
That it’s either black or white.
Thank God it’s not that simple
In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I abide what I’m told:
From the latest hit,
To the wisdom of old.
But I’m always alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it’s crowded and cold
In My Secret Life.