Today I had an interesting conversation with a friend...or rather the information gleaned in the conversation was interesting and thought provoking. She was talking about her friends who are gay and unlike me are pursing same sex relationships. She said that most of her friends that are gay, have at one time or another said that if they had a choice, they would not choose to be gay. I was genuinely surprised by this as one who is attracted to women and am a woman myself.
My feelings on the matter have tended to lean towards something like this, "I wish that there was a way for me to be with the woman of my dreams and have all the blessings of the gospel." Or, "I wish that being gay was just a regular part of life and not against the plan of Salvation."
I don't think my feelings have always leaned that way...in fact when I was about 13 or 14 (8th grade sometime) I was beginning to realize that I was a bit, and by bit I mean significantly, more attracted to girls than boys. With this realization came the beginning of a self loathing that would last for years and years. When that self loathing began to subside was about the time that I began to feel at ease with all the parts of my self...natural born, nurture born or a little bit of both...I am who I am and will strive to be the best version of that person.
As the self acceptance has grown, my attitude about my attraction has changed. I no longer see it as a frustrating aspect of who I am...well...sexually frustrating, yes...after all, I am a women in my early thirties...sexual prime folks! But I digress. I don't hate this part of myself. It is what it is. And in spite of it, or anything else that interferes with my eternal salvation, I will do my best to get back to my Father in Heaven. But perhaps it is because I am mortal, or misinformed or...I don't know...but rather than hoping that this attraction never was a part of me, that I was "straight" I tend to find myself wishing I could settle down and raise a family with the girl I love and live a Christ centered life with the gospel at the core.
Is that odd? Is that wrong? Should I be thinking that if I had a choice it wouldn't be this? Should I be wishing that I didn't like women? I suppose that a little part of me feels like I should. But another part of me, a not so little part of me...in fact pretty much 99.9% of me, feels like in this life, it is between us and God and we work out our lives and our salvation with Him...no one else. No one else matters. No one else's opinion or view or suggestion or belief. Only my Father in Heaven's. So if I feel like my Father doesn't mind me wishing I could be with the girl of my dreams, than I'm golden. And if he does...well, He and I will work that out. He knows what I ultimately want.
Am I totally off base here?
No comments:
Post a Comment