"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

04 May 2010

hmmmmmmm?

In searching for something...or someone...who can understand how I feel...someone in the flesh...I found my self searching via the Internet...because, duh, where else do you search for things. I came across affirmation.org It is a website for GLBT Mormons. It is a support site. They have a yearly conference. The have video blogs, poetry, essays, information for support groups, their mission statement and purpose...all the information that a group with a website would use. I searched around the site, read a few essays and even watched a couple video blogs about coming out stories of two different girls. It was interesting, I suppose. In all honesty, the videos...well the girls...seemed kind of...fake? I'm not sure the word, but DEFINITELY unsure of themselves. Not at all images of the confidence that they said they had. Perhaps it is because they are so young; perhaps someday they will be confident women in long term happy relationships...but now, they are young and probably still confused. I'm not saying that I have the answers, or that my path is for everyone. I don't think it is at all. I just hope that people are TRULY able to be true to who they are. It makes me wonder if I'm really being true to who I am.

I also read an essay written anonymously about a lesbian living her lifestyle and still attending church, the temple, teaching seminary, etc...It was written by one person in the voice of many...but are there really women out there doing that? And if there are HOW in the world do they feel ok about going to the temple?! I understand the longing for that life...the life that was described in the essay...it is the life I wish I could have everyday. A job, a calling, a family, a partner, a temple recommend...but not in secret and not as a falsehood. Which is what the writer was describing. I understood her point...and for a few moments my heart broke for her, for all the women of the gospel struggling like this...but to dishonestly hold a temple recommend? I'm not perfect by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I do try to be honest in my dealings with the Lord. I do not like being in the temple when I'm feeling unworthy...and living such a HUGE lie...I couldn't do it. Was the author really being serious? Are there really these women out there doing this? Or was she simply making a point? I've reread it...and I think she is serious...and I just...I don't know...I just don't know.
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