"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

23 May 2010

It's true, I know...I can even feel it, but I don't really want it right now.

That (above) was my thought after church today...I know that the gospel is true.  I can even feel it.  As I sat in church today, I felt a calming come over me.  It was a very welcome feeling after a morning of intense frustration (incidentally I think my migraines, as of late, are a result of my stress).  And yet, in spite of the calm I felt, as I took a drive after church I found myself admitting out loud, that I do know that the gospel is true, and I even find happiness in it, but it isn't the happiness that I want right now. I'm tired of looking to eternity.  I'm not enduring very well right now.  I know that.  I HATE being alone.

Last night I was in the temple with Ky and I felt so awful being there because I was SO angry.  (I'm so sorry for the woman whose name I had...I hope to apologize to her someday).  I couldn't feel peace.  I sat in the Celestial room wondering how I could let go of a part of my life...kill it, as Claire would say...I felt so guilty about that.  But I think that I could go, literally, insane, if I have to live a perpendicular life.  This isn't about not being married...I do hate being alone...but it isn't just that.  It is wanting something that I am not suppose to have...that I SHOULDN'T be wanting.  

I'm so sorry...I wish I could write words that were inspiring and uplifting.  Words that would bring people out of their despair rather than words that ooze with self pity and sometimes self loathing.

I once thought that the rest of my life would be struggling over the heartbreak I felt about Alex.  Then I thought it would be about always wanting Aly and never having closure for that relationship.  But it has never been about a specific person.  It's about the hatred and confusion that I feel within myself, that I feel because of myself.  And this confusion, this fear and loathing doesn't just come because I like girls and that attraction conflicts with the truth that I know.  I'm not actually sure where else it comes from...I have some ideas...(and so does my therapist)...and I imagine in the next while, I'll figure it out.  And I hope as I figure it out, the once intensely strong desire for the gospel, the desire to apply it in my life, will return.  
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