Today in sacrament meeting the subject of the talks was personal conversion. The following quote was on the front page of the program:"Converted means to turn from one belief or course of action to another. Conversion is a spiritual and moral change. Converted implies not merely mental acceptance of Jesus and His teachings but also a motivating faith in Him and His gospel. A faith which works a transformation, an actual change in one's understanding of life's meaning and in his allegiance to God in interest, in thought, and in conduct. In one who is really wholly converted, desire for things contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ has actually died. And substituted therefore is a love of God, with a fixed and controlling determination to keep his commandments."
After reading this quote I don't feel like I am converted...not right now. I know that at one point...very early on in life...I was. But lately...my "desire for things contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ" has not died...on the contrary, it seems that it has only increased.
I've never been one to "fake it 'til I make it." Nothing against those who believe in that...it is just not in my nature to be able to do so...and right now, I so wish that I could. I'm not sure why I'm going to church anymore. I still believe...I do. But right now I feel as if it is "merely mental acceptance of Jesus and His teachings..." as opposed to a "motivating faith in Him and His gospel." And it isn't enough.
One of the speakers spoke of a moment in her life in which she felt, very powerfully, that moment of conversion. As she spoke I knew what she was talking about...I remembered that, on more than one occasion even, that has happened to me. But I'm no longer able to conjure those feelings, that fire and passion for the gospel of Jesus Christ. It has become an inconsequential truth to me. Wow...I can't believe that I just wrote that, let alone thought it...but the gospel of Jesus Christ, my belief in Him...it no longer provides a motivating power.
My motivation for attending church, the temple, remaining worthy, continuing on this path...it is not my belief in Christ, or my love for a Father in Heaven...it is because of others...because I picture the faces of those who I love and who would be shattered if I let them down (paraphrased from Elder Holland's conference talk from April 2010). Perhaps this should be motivation enough...reason enough...but it isn't. The gospel brings us to the truth, but our salvation is something that we work out with the Lord. The church brings people to Christ, but our relationships with our Father and Savior are so very personal.
I know the things I need to do...but right now...I feel no motivation to do them. I'm angry. I hate carrying around a secret...a secret that I hate myself for. I wish I could make peace with this part of myself...I wish I could pray it away...OR...I wish I had...the courage? ...to choose that path...is it courage? Is it fear? What do I need to choose that path? Or what do I need to get rid of the desire? More faith? A conversion? How...HOW...do I slay my inward foes?
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