where my heart is

I am not sure what to do...I reached this point of peace...of contentment even...with everything...I felt better...I feel better...but there is something else...I am not sure what it is, or how to describe it...I just I know what is true. I really, truly do. I know that there is a God, my Father, in Heaven...that he, with his son, my Savior, Jesus Christ...created this earth. I know that he is the Father of my spirit. That Christ came here, of his own accord to be my Savior. I know that Joseph Smith went into a grove and prayed to know the truth (the same truth that I know because of him). I know that in that same grove he saw the Father and the Son. I know that he translated the plates that were shown to him by the angel Moroni. I know those plates are now the Book of Mormon. Joseph Smith gave his life for what he believed. That is what I don't know...I don't know if I can give my life for what I believe.

For me...the issue has NEVER been about not knowing, about wondering what was true or not true. Since I was four, and probably since always, I have KNOWN. Not thought it might be true, not hoped that it was, but known that it was. But I. like. girls. and I don't know how to reconcile that with what I know is true. I believe that we are judge not only by our actions, but also by where our heart is. My heart is with my family, with gospel, with the safety and salvation of my friends. And even when I was drinking the other night... when Alyson and I were together so many years ago...my heart was still in those places...so I want those things...I want to drink sometimes, and I want to be with the girl I love and I don't know what my future brings...but I know where my heart will always be.

Calling and election...not so sure

I was talking with my mom the other day and she told me something that brought to mind thoughts of having my calling and election made sure. I remember hearing a talk...can't remember by whom...about how it is possible for anyone to have their calling and election made sure...I would like that. But what are the chances that I could EVER achieve that? Every day I'm find myself questioning whether or not the gospel path is the path I really want...NOT whether or not it is true...I already know it is...but is it the path that I want? I don't always feel like it is.

When I think back to meeting Lily in sixth grade...to Grey in high school...to Aly in college and then Alex last year...those are probably some of the most outstanding women in this world...four of the best I'll ever know...four women who would bring happiness beyond measure into my life...four women who do (well except Grey because I don't know where she is, but if she was around she would, just like she always did...just like the memory of her does...any also Lily...but I lost contact with Lily so long ago that it doesn't hurt the same way it hurts with Grey) bring happiness beyond measure into my life...but if any of those paths lead to something beyond our deep and abiding friendships...well Aly's did for a while...would they be something I would want to keep? I guess not since I did break up with Aly...not because I didn't love her anymore...but because we thought it was wrong...but even knowing it's wrong there are days I want it so badly that I physically ache...that I can feel them near me, close...feel our hands together, feel the softness of their skin...their smells...(seriously...girls are just way better...mainly because they smell so good)...and on those days...I don't feel so much like I want the gospel, or the privilege of the temple, or the sacrament...and with feelings like those...how would having my calling and election made sure EVER be a possibility.

Sam & Sam

It has been a while since I have posted...things have been...difficult and frustrating... and I am not sure exactly what word it is that I want to use...at this very second...frustration is the first word...all I have been able to wonder for the last while is can I ever just be "ok". I mean I wake up in the morning and I am stoked about life and happy about the gospel and that I have the truth...but by two o'clock in the afternoon I am frustrated and just want to get the phone number of a girl in my ward...everyday it goes back and forth just like that.

It is like two Sams and as similar as they are...this one difference between the two...it changes everything...One Sam knows the truthfulness of the gospel and understands that there is something worth everything waiting on the other side...and the other Sam...she knows the same exact thing, but she likes girls...and that attraction to girls is as strong as her knowledge of the truth.

Those feelings, that knowledge, the attraction...that is all real. And on top of that...the nature of the truth encourages family and togetherness...but not between two girls...I just need to find a nice Mormon girl to settle down with..one who would live the same life I would...but one who would just always be there...I could do that...and I know it would make me happy. But...I don't think that is how it works...so I am going to keep going...and try and figure out how this is all supposed to work.