I was talking with my mom the other day and she told me something that brought to mind thoughts of having my calling and election made sure. I remember hearing a talk...can't remember by whom...about how it is possible for anyone to have their calling and election made sure...I would like that. But what are the chances that I could EVER achieve that? Every day I'm find myself questioning whether or not the gospel path is the path I really want...NOT whether or not it is true...I already know it is...but is it the path that I want? I don't always feel like it is.
When I think back to meeting Lily in sixth grade...to Grey in high school...to Aly in college and then Alex last year...those are probably some of the most outstanding women in this world...four of the best I'll ever know...four women who would bring happiness beyond measure into my life...four women who do (well except Grey because I don't know where she is, but if she was around she would, just like she always did...just like the memory of her does...any also Lily...but I lost contact with Lily so long ago that it doesn't hurt the same way it hurts with Grey) bring happiness beyond measure into my life...but if any of those paths lead to something beyond our deep and abiding friendships...well Aly's did for a while...would they be something I would want to keep? I guess not since I did break up with Aly...not because I didn't love her anymore...but because we thought it was wrong...but even knowing it's wrong there are days I want it so badly that I physically ache...that I can feel them near me, close...feel our hands together, feel the softness of their skin...their smells...(seriously...girls are just way better...mainly because they smell so good)...and on those days...I don't feel so much like I want the gospel, or the privilege of the temple, or the sacrament...and with feelings like those...how would having my calling and election made sure EVER be a possibility.
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