"My inward foes shall all be slain...Nor Satan break my peace again"

Today in sacrament meeting the subject of the talks was personal conversion.  The following quote was on the front page of the program:


"Converted means to turn from one belief or course of action to another.  Conversion is a spiritual and moral change.  Converted implies not merely mental acceptance of Jesus and His teachings but also a motivating faith in Him and His gospel.  A faith which works a transformation, an actual change in one's understanding of life's meaning and in his allegiance to God in interest, in thought, and in conduct.  In one who is really wholly converted, desire for things contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ has actually died.  And substituted therefore is a love of God, with a fixed and controlling determination to keep his commandments." 

After reading this quote I don't feel like I am converted...not right now.  I know that at one point...very early on in life...I was.  But lately...my "desire for things contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ"  has not died...on the contrary, it seems that it has only increased. 


I've never been one to "fake it 'til I make it."  Nothing against those who believe in that...it is just not in my nature to be able to do so...and right now, I so wish that I could.  I'm not sure why I'm going to church anymore.  I  still believe...I do.  But right now I feel as if it is "merely mental acceptance of Jesus and His teachings..." as opposed to a "motivating faith in Him and His gospel."  And it isn't enough.


One of the speakers spoke of a moment in her life in which she felt, very powerfully, that moment of conversion.  As she spoke I knew what she was talking about...I remembered that, on more than one occasion even, that has happened to me.  But I'm no longer able to conjure those feelings, that fire and passion for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It has become an inconsequential truth to me.  Wow...I can't believe that I just wrote that, let alone thought it...but the gospel of Jesus Christ, my belief in Him...it no longer provides a motivating power.  


My motivation for attending church, the temple, remaining worthy, continuing on this path...it is not my belief in Christ, or my love for a Father in Heaven...it is because of others...because I picture the faces of those who I love and who would be shattered if I let them down (paraphrased from Elder Holland's conference talk from April 2010). Perhaps this should be motivation enough...reason enough...but it isn't.  The gospel brings us to the truth, but our salvation is something that we work out with the Lord.  The church brings people to Christ, but our relationships with our Father and Savior are so very personal.       


I know the things I need to do...but right now...I feel no motivation to do them.  I'm angry.  I hate carrying around a secret...a secret that I hate myself for.  I wish I could make peace with this part of myself...I wish I could pray it away...OR...I wish I had...the courage? ...to choose that path...is it courage?  Is it fear?  What do I need to choose that path?  Or what do I need to get rid of the desire?  More faith?  A conversion?  How...HOW...do I slay my inward foes?    

...there are dreams that cannot be, and there are storms we cannot weather...

Is this true?  I suppose that I believe that about certain dreams...but are there really storms that we cannot weather?  I feel like sometimes I am in the midst of one of those storms...waiting to be tossed into the whale...or perhaps I'm already there.  And then I remember these words from Elder Maxwell:  "Patient endurance permits us to cling to our faith in the Lord and our faith in His timing when we are being tossed about by the surf of circumstance. Even when a seeming undertow grasps us, somehow, in the tumbling, we are being carried forward, though battered and bruised."

And so I have to cling to the belief that all storms can be weathered, though perhaps not in this life...  "Adversity and heartbreak happen to good people; such is the fruit of a fallen world." Bruce D Porter

How exactly to we get through that heartbreak?  I've been taught that the atonement can pull me through...but how exactly does the atonement work for heartbreak and sadness?  How do I take my frustrations, my hurt, my pain, my feelings of failure caused by my shortcomings...how do I take those and give them to the Savior, while still trying to deal with the events and situations that cause them?  Obviously I can apply this to liking girls, but it goes so far beyond that.  I mean, the liking girls thing doesn't seem to be going away any time soon...but it would be nice to have somewhere to send all my frustration and sorrow that is a result of it...to be able to wrap it up in a nice little package and just hand it over to the Savior.  I need to let it go...because there is always going to be more, "such is the fruit of a fallen world" and I don't want to be hanging onto all this baggage from the past.  It's much to heavy and cumbersome to be carrying around all the time.

So if anyone out there has an answer for me as to how you actually take those feelings and turn them over to the Savior, I'd really love to hear it.

...see it feels bad now, but it's gonna get better...

I try and remind myself of this each day.  Though it feels bad right now, in the end it will be better...but I'd like it to be better right now...at least sometimes.  I know that I have times where it does feel better...I'm just not in one of those times right now.  And I don't mean to keep bombarding my blog with negativity, but I'm afraid if I stop writing regularly now, then when it does get better, I won't write...and I don't want this VAST audience to think that I'm this sad, forlorn, melancholy girl...although at this moment those are pretty accurate descriptions.

The thing is...I know that the possibility exists for things to get better...it takes work on my part, and on my Father's part, and on the Savior's part.  And though my Father and my Savior are ALWAYS ready to help it get better...I am not.  Which I suppose seems strange...but sometimes I'm just not ready to do the work...because to make it better takes work, and though it begins with a small step that does wonders...I'm not ready...no...I'm not willing, to make that step right now.  I'm not trying to be obstinate...but honest.

I will get there though.  I wasn't sent here to fail. None of us were.  I know that all of us have days when getting out of bed seems near impossible...it's ok...just don't stay in bed forever.  I won't if you won't...pinky swear.

It's true, I know...I can even feel it, but I don't really want it right now.

That (above) was my thought after church today...I know that the gospel is true.  I can even feel it.  As I sat in church today, I felt a calming come over me.  It was a very welcome feeling after a morning of intense frustration (incidentally I think my migraines, as of late, are a result of my stress).  And yet, in spite of the calm I felt, as I took a drive after church I found myself admitting out loud, that I do know that the gospel is true, and I even find happiness in it, but it isn't the happiness that I want right now. I'm tired of looking to eternity.  I'm not enduring very well right now.  I know that.  I HATE being alone.

Last night I was in the temple with Ky and I felt so awful being there because I was SO angry.  (I'm so sorry for the woman whose name I had...I hope to apologize to her someday).  I couldn't feel peace.  I sat in the Celestial room wondering how I could let go of a part of my life...kill it, as Claire would say...I felt so guilty about that.  But I think that I could go, literally, insane, if I have to live a perpendicular life.  This isn't about not being married...I do hate being alone...but it isn't just that.  It is wanting something that I am not suppose to have...that I SHOULDN'T be wanting.  

I'm so sorry...I wish I could write words that were inspiring and uplifting.  Words that would bring people out of their despair rather than words that ooze with self pity and sometimes self loathing.

I once thought that the rest of my life would be struggling over the heartbreak I felt about Alex.  Then I thought it would be about always wanting Aly and never having closure for that relationship.  But it has never been about a specific person.  It's about the hatred and confusion that I feel within myself, that I feel because of myself.  And this confusion, this fear and loathing doesn't just come because I like girls and that attraction conflicts with the truth that I know.  I'm not actually sure where else it comes from...I have some ideas...(and so does my therapist)...and I imagine in the next while, I'll figure it out.  And I hope as I figure it out, the once intensely strong desire for the gospel, the desire to apply it in my life, will return.  

I wrote in my last post that I wouldn't write again until I had something more positive to say...unfortunately I'm having a tough time finding positive things to say...but I'll do my best.

I've decided that I don't want to keep the fact that I like a girls a secret anymore. No, I'm not going to have a party or fly a flag...and nothing is changing in terms of how I am living my life...I just hate having this secret...it wears on me. Liking girls is part of who I am, but it doesn't define me, but it does contribute to me...and I'm ok with it. I realize the rest of world may not be ok with it...but the rest of the world isn't ok with a lot of things. I tried out this new resolution the other night and it went over like gang busters :) Well that may be a bit of an overstatement...fireworks were not going off or anything but the two people that became privy to that particular challenge in my life showed only respect and love. We will see how it goes with the extended family...

Another positive thing to mention is Ky...she is such an awesome friend. I really couldn't ask for more and I'm pretty sure that I'll be eternally grateful for our friendship, for her support, and patience and kindness...she is one of the truly great parts of my life...one of the great loves of my life...not in a romantic way...in fact...that is one of the tender mercies of the Lord in my life...I love Ky so much, but I've never fallen in love with her...and that to me, is simply astounding... considering all of her amazing qualities and her gorgeous looks. I'm grateful for my deep, albeit, platonic, abiding affection that I have for her.

I'm going to visit Grey soon. Seeing her has this affect on me unlike anything else. She knows me so well, and loves me for who I am and for who she knows I can be...and I can see that reflected in her when I'm with her and it is one of the most inspiring things that I have to hold on to in this life.

I have the greatest mom. She may not always agree with my decisions, but that is actually something I love about my mom. I watched a documentary on deeply religious families who had gay children. One of the families was LDS. The parents had changed their views and beliefs in the gospel because of their son. As I was watching I was overcome with the knowledge of how much my mother loves me and that in spite of that love, her views and beliefs would not be shaken. She would not change who she is or what she believes for me. And the inspiration and faith I find in that is overwhelming. It is often a shred that I cling to in moments of deepest despair and frustration. Even in the face of her daughter choosing something so contrary to what she believes, she will hold on to her belief because she knows that it is true. I love her for that...more than I could ever express.

...some small yet powerful moments of happiness in my life.

UGH

I'm getting so frustrated lately. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. My mom says that if I were to date girls it would mean that the gospel meant less to me...it doesn't mean less to me...but it hurts. It hurts watching girls walk by...girls who I could be asking out...girls I could be getting to know...holding hands with...a girl who I could love who would love me back. I know that the gospel is true...I know it. But I feel like those words are empty because I can't seem to focus on them...to keep my focus on the gospel. It is always there, the gospel...rising in the east and setting in the west...so is my attraction to girls. Always rising in the east and setting in the west...I feel like a broken record. Perhaps I will quite writing until I find something else to say. Something positive and uplifting...instead of whiny and frustrated. ugh! Ugh! UGH!

Can I just have a quick peek?

Today I asked a friend of mine if they thought, after we die, that we would have a chance to see "what might have been" had our lives, specifically mine, taken a different path. My friend said no. That if Father was going to show us anything it would, hopefully, be a lifetime of faithful service. I would like to see a video showing a lifetime of faithful service, no doubt...but today...today I just want a quick glance into what could be if I were to stop making the choice I'm making. As Anya from BtVS says, "My feelings are changeable, but intense." That is EXACTLY what my emotions are...so very intense and strong, and yet in what feels like a state of constant flux.

Is Alex right? Will I forever wonder? Should I test the waters just to see? Just so I KNOW for sure that it isn't what I want? But then I think, well I already know how this turns out so...why bother testing waters that are only going to further frustrate the cause if stirred?

If I could just have a real, honest glimpse into what could be my future with a girl...

not everything is a choice...

Yesterday I was talking to my mom and she made an interesting point...that perhaps I've never given much thought to...she said that if I ever did choose dating girls over the gospel then it would mean that the gospel lost its importance to me...some of it anyway...and I think she is right. When I try to imagine that day...the day that the gospel, the truth, is no longer the most important thing in my life...I can't imagine it...and that is just it...it isn't just a "thing" in my life...it is a part of who I am...it is SO much of who I am...this truth makes me who I am. The truth of liking girls makes me who I am too. And perhaps this is an odd thing to say, but I don't think I would be the same Sam minus the liking girls. It is a part of who I am...(I guess Affirmation.org and I agree on one thing)...I even think it is an intentional part of who I am...but it is doesn't dictate my life...it doesn't because of those two things that I was born with, that are a very real part of me...I am CHOOSING the gospel. It is a choice. I don't choose to like girls, that is NOT a choice AT.ALL. And frankly, my knowledge of the gospel has never really been a choice either...I kind of came out of the womb knowing...so from the two truths that have ruled my life...I choose the truthfulness of the gospel.

...BUT SOME THINGS ARE.

hmmmmmmm?

In searching for something...or someone...who can understand how I feel...someone in the flesh...I found my self searching via the Internet...because, duh, where else do you search for things. I came across affirmation.org It is a website for GLBT Mormons. It is a support site. They have a yearly conference. The have video blogs, poetry, essays, information for support groups, their mission statement and purpose...all the information that a group with a website would use. I searched around the site, read a few essays and even watched a couple video blogs about coming out stories of two different girls. It was interesting, I suppose. In all honesty, the videos...well the girls...seemed kind of...fake? I'm not sure the word, but DEFINITELY unsure of themselves. Not at all images of the confidence that they said they had. Perhaps it is because they are so young; perhaps someday they will be confident women in long term happy relationships...but now, they are young and probably still confused. I'm not saying that I have the answers, or that my path is for everyone. I don't think it is at all. I just hope that people are TRULY able to be true to who they are. It makes me wonder if I'm really being true to who I am.

I also read an essay written anonymously about a lesbian living her lifestyle and still attending church, the temple, teaching seminary, etc...It was written by one person in the voice of many...but are there really women out there doing that? And if there are HOW in the world do they feel ok about going to the temple?! I understand the longing for that life...the life that was described in the essay...it is the life I wish I could have everyday. A job, a calling, a family, a partner, a temple recommend...but not in secret and not as a falsehood. Which is what the writer was describing. I understood her point...and for a few moments my heart broke for her, for all the women of the gospel struggling like this...but to dishonestly hold a temple recommend? I'm not perfect by ANY stretch of the imagination, but I do try to be honest in my dealings with the Lord. I do not like being in the temple when I'm feeling unworthy...and living such a HUGE lie...I couldn't do it. Was the author really being serious? Are there really these women out there doing this? Or was she simply making a point? I've reread it...and I think she is serious...and I just...I don't know...I just don't know.