"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

21 August 2010

ch...ch...changes...

Life can turn on a dime.  I feel better...not like...I'm totally happy and going to be forever better...but better than I have in a long time...better to the point that I can see myself...catch glimpses of the person that I have been/can be again.  It started last Friday and has gotten progressively better over the last week.
Driving home from Provo with my mom she was talking about the last time she bore her testimony in church and how she expressed gratitude for her children and their righteous choices in life; especially because those choices aren't the easiest and we don't have to make them...but we do, and she is grateful.  Her expression of gratitude remained near the forefront of my mind as the weekend continued.  Sunday as I sat in sacrament meeting I suddenly felt glad to be in church...and it has been months since I have felt that way.  I also renewed my temple recommend on Sunday and as I walked out of the stake president's office it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders...it was not as if I'd just been to the temple, but knowing that I could go...that the recommend in my hand was current...it made a difference.  And then yesterday  I was chatting with Alex and I could suddenly just see myself again.  I don't remember Alex saying anything in particular that suddenly "flipped a switch"...but I guess...realizing that she is the definition of a best friend...and understanding that she isn't ever going give up on me...it helped.  I know that Alex believes in my goodness and my ability to succeed...and I guess yesterday I started to believe that again.

Thoughts of failure and doubt still plague my mind but at least there is some sort of "front line" to keep them at bay while I try and rally more troops for back up.

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