"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

10 November 2010

Winter Winds

 In general conference last month Elder Dieter F Uchtdorf which is entitled "Of Things that Matter Most"  I'm not going to talk about the things that matter most.

In started his talk by pointing out how much we can learn about life through nature.  Interesting considering just previous to general conference I wrote a post on that exact subject.  He used an example of how a tree grows saying: "...during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival."

That is how I feel right now...like I'm simply in survival mode.  Recent events beyond my control yet having a direct affect on me have persuaded me into survival mode (and are the cause for a lack of blogging).  It is frustrating to say the least...since I'd been on such a high about so many things lately.  I'd been feeling so much peace in my life.  More than I had felt in such a long time.  And now...I...I'm not actually sure how I feel.  I know there is anger involved...some guilt...sadness....more anger...confusion....???  With all of that swirling around I find myself shutting down.  When I stop to think about events my brain sort of goes blank.  I can't really think about anything specific.  There are moments that I do try to process things but mainly...I just kind of feel blank about the whole thing.  And perhaps that is myself trying to control my anger...because maybe my anger is more than I realize.  Or perhaps I just still haven't really wrapped my head around everything.

Needless to say, as the winter approaches I feel myself going into survival mode.  Working all day.  Looking for books to get lost in.  Making a list of great movies to curl up on the coach with.  Attempts at new baked goods.  Falling asleep with a movie playing so that I can't think about anything.  This is perhaps not the healthiest of behaviors...but it is what I need to do to survive.  And the fact that I feel myself moving into this survival mode frustrates me.  I don't want to give this event any power over my life...especially not when I finally was beginning to feel like I had found such peace.  ARG!

What does give me hope is my amazing family.  And the fact that winter does end...spring will come again.

"Remember spring swallows snow for leaves. You'll be happy and wholesome again..."
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