Enduring to the End...of 2010

Well...another year is upon us.  As I happily say goodbye to 2010 and look to 2011 to not let me down, I think about the title of my blog and how I have endured this last year.

It has not been the easiest year...for many reasons.  And I have not always endured as well as I would have liked.  I have had some low lows this year.  Not my lowest of lows...but low.  I have felt sorrow and disappointment in myself and others.  I have felt regret (see previous post).  I have been angrier than I think I ever have been in my life.  Angry with my Father in Heaven.  Angry with my family. Angry with my friends. Angry with myself.

However (don't worry, this will not be a depressing post) despite all of the lows there are a few things that I'm so grateful for.  Things that I would venture to hell and back if needs be, in order to keep a part of my life.

The first thing that I am most grateful for this past year, is the continued and strengthened solidity of my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  As I've said many times previously, I KNOW that the gospel is true.  And at 10:00pm on December 31st after a seemingly endless year I still know that the gospel is true.  That has not changed.  And believe me this year did not come without some overwhelming temptations.  But what is constantly in the face of every temptation that has come my way is the truthfulness of the gospel.  It is always true...regardless of what may be going on in my life.  Just like the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west...regardless of whether cloud cover is so dense I can't see it.

I'm also very grateful for a God who keeps me humbled.  My head tends to grow very large fairly quickly and my Father is quickly forgotten.  So I'm grateful that my he knows that I need to "check myself before I wreck myself".  Though the moments of getting checked can be a bit painful, it tends to knock my priorities back into order and I see the world a bit more clearly.

I'm grateful that the gospel and my Father in Heaven are constant.  I know they will always be there.  There is nothing else in my life that is as constant.  Despite often wanting to choose another path, and at times, taking a few leaps and bounds down that other path, the gospel remains true and my Father remains with me...even when I wish he wouldn't.

And so, despite ending 2010 and what I would say is not my best foot, I have great hopes that 2011 and I are going to do a bang-up job of enduring.

Regret?

Is it possible...is that the word I'm looking for?  I don't know...perhaps I should explain the scenario and then you can tell me what the right word is.

Once upon a time I made a decision.  It was a very painful decision.  It was also the right decision.  But so often I regret making that right decision.  Is that right? Is that possible?  Can you actually regret a decision that was right?  Perhaps "regret" is the wrong word?  But I know, unfortunately, what regret feels like...and this is regret.  As I said...I don't constantly feel regret for my decision...but it is there...often.

Does this mean that I don't really have a desire to be a good person?  Does this mean that I'd rather make wrong decisions in my life to satisfy my immediate desires for happiness?  I think we all want that sometimes...more than sometimes...speaking for myself of course.  Instant gratification, well, I don't think I would call it instant...perhaps..."not eternal" gratification is what I often desire.

So what do I do with this regret?  I feel it and then move on and hope it goes away.  And have faith that there will be a day that I will rejoice in the right decision that I made.  I will know without any doubt whatsoever that it was the right decision and I will feel how right it was and regret will be something of which I will have zero concept.

2011

"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would."

 ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

I hope I can learn to see better those around me. 

"Direction is initially more important than speed." - Neal A. Maxell

I've always been a "saunterer"  When I was in college my roommates would tease me and tell me to leave a few minutes before them when we walked to class because they knew they would catch up with me...and joke or no joke...it was true...they always caught up to me.  I guess I could lengthen my stride...but it feels awkward.  I walk at a pace that fits me...I always have...and I imagine I always will.  And despite my somewhat slower pace...I still manage to get to where I need to go

And so it is with my life...I don't seem to do things in the "right" order or in the way that will lead me to "success".  But whose definitions of right and success am I supposed to live by?  Well that is for me and God to figure out.  Not anyone else.  How fast I get to where ever it is I'm going...it is in my Father's time...but as long as I'm heading that way...I'm golden.  Some days my best is like an Olympic marathon runner...and some days...well...it is more like limp across a desert...while I'm thirsty and exhausted. But such is life...we just keep going...no matter what...however fast or slow.

sorry mom

the title of the post is a reference to the fact that my mother has a strong distaste for the word I'm about to use.

Do you ever have those days where you think, or even say out loud, "my life sucks". well I don't really ever have those days...how could I? There are way too many things in my life to be thankful for. It would be so selfish of me to say that. But while I may not feel like my life sucks...I definitely suck at life. I can't seem to make anything worthwhile out of the great things that I do have in my life.

If my life were a Super Mario Brothers game I would definitely be out of lives.  Reset button anyone?

I don't mean to throw a pity party or splurge on the self deprecation...it is really just the way I've been feeling this week.  And there are definitely some ignitors for these feelings...but I don't think it matters how this downward spiral started...I need to figure out how to pull myself out.  I can't suddenly make something awesome and spectacular of my life...but I know I can make it to the first castle and get 50,000 or is it 5,000...points from the flag pole at the end of this level...saving the princess and defeating the dragon might have to be another day...but I know I can at least start making my way through two dimensional piranha infested waters...or perhaps I could just skip level two and move right on to man-eating plants popping out of sewer pipes...regardless...I just need one box...with one coin...that would be enough right now. I would feel as if I actually accomplished something and that I wasn't so sucktastic.

what I wish...

‎"...you'll find that being a friend is to like a person for who they are, even the parts you don't understand. The reasons you like them make the things you don't understand unimportant. You don't have to understand, or do the same, or live their lives for them. If you truly care for them, then you want them to be who they are; that was why you liked them in the first place." Terry Goodkind

What I wish is that I always lived my life by those words...that we all could.  I get we want the best for everyone in our lives...but who am I to say what it is that someone needs in their life? And who is anyone else to tell me what equals success or happiness? My life is between me and God.