Catch 22 version 20.08

So...I had a realization this weekend...if I were to get married to a man...I would never be able to be fully in that relationship simply because it wouldn't be 100% fulfilling...although a temple sealing would exist, and children...but emotionally it would leave something to desire...if I were to be with a woman...well...even if she was everything I wanted, and it was the greatest relationship that I could have in all aspects...I could never marry her. And considering my type she would want to be married...but that is something that is reserved for one man and one woman. Just because I was with a woman doesn't mean I would forsake all of my beliefs...I wouldn't...they would still be there...I would just be living with guilt or something...but i would still be Sam...and Sam doesn't drink, or smoke, and I believe that marriage is for one man and one woman. So I feel trapped. Living a celibate life, emotional or otherwise, just does not feel like something that I can do. My heart literally feels like it is going to break when I think of living like that.

Lone Lily

I met a girl last night. Her name is Lily. (Really that is her name...not to be confused with my Lily from the 6th grade...whose name really isn't Lily) She was our waitress at a restaurant and I was definitely attracted to her. So I did my best to flirt...which isn't really difficult because I am naturally a flirtatious person. Ky and Alice noticed and were giving me a hard time about it. Towards the end of the night she came back to the table with the bill and some promotional coupons. As she was explaining the promotion I was flirting hard core...I did not care who was at the table...and the best part...Lily flirted back. She gave me this look...I melted a little...Alice saw the look and about choked on her diet Coke.

As Ky and I were walking back to her car I was talking about how badly I wanted to leave my number on the table. I have never really approached a girl so aggressively, or wanted to. With Lily and Grey and Alyson and Alex, I did not see them, and go after them. We were friends, and my feelings developed from there. Granted...with all four of them...it was definitely "crushing, head over heels at first sight". They are gorgeous beautiful girls....but I digress...

As the night wore on, however, I grew more and more melancholy. I was never going to see Lily again...unless I went back to the restaurant and she happened to be there...but I had not made a move...and that was that...I was never going to make a move...was I? Will I?

How long will I be able to live emotionally celibate? I'm not worried so much about the physical...although that is a battle in itself, but not like being alone emotionally...and I can hear my therapist, and Alex, and Ky, and everyone else telling me that the Atonement, and a better relationship with my Father and the Savior can take those feelings away, but really? They can fill the hole, the emptiness that comes with not having that one person in your life? The love of your live so to speak? I don't believe that. I am sorry, but right now...I just don't believe that.

Bollocks!!

One day, a few months ago, I was driving in the car with my friend Alice, and I was pretty ornery that day, and Alice said, in response to an ornery remark I made, "You're a bitch". I acknowledged that I was being a bit bitchy at that moment, but she said it wasn't just this moment, it was always...it was my personality. Not being in a mood to really argue, and frankly, thinking she might indeed be right, I brushed over the comment and we went on with our evening. However, upon later mulling over of the comment I became somewhat irritated. I am not a bitch...well I can be...but I don't think it's who I am. That is not in my nature. I am a good, and kind person...as is my friend Alice...probably one of the kindest I know.

Alice has, unfortunately, only known me during a very unpleasant and somewhat dark period in my life...so to her...that is my core personality. But still, whether she knew me before or not, if she really knew me I have to believe she would see what kind of person I really am...and I think she does, and I think it was more of a passing comment but every once in a while it bothers me that she said that.

But despite all of that, she is a friend, a trusted friend, who has been loyal, and understanding from the very beginning. I want her to see the person I use to be...I want to be the person I was. I NEED to be the person I was. It makes me sad that perhaps she doesn't see that...maybe she doesn't know I can be that person...and what scares me even more is that maybe I will never be that person again.