"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

19 July 2008

Lone Lily

I met a girl last night. Her name is Lily. (Really that is her name...not to be confused with my Lily from the 6th grade...whose name really isn't Lily) She was our waitress at a restaurant and I was definitely attracted to her. So I did my best to flirt...which isn't really difficult because I am naturally a flirtatious person. Ky and Alice noticed and were giving me a hard time about it. Towards the end of the night she came back to the table with the bill and some promotional coupons. As she was explaining the promotion I was flirting hard core...I did not care who was at the table...and the best part...Lily flirted back. She gave me this look...I melted a little...Alice saw the look and about choked on her diet Coke.

As Ky and I were walking back to her car I was talking about how badly I wanted to leave my number on the table. I have never really approached a girl so aggressively, or wanted to. With Lily and Grey and Alyson and Alex, I did not see them, and go after them. We were friends, and my feelings developed from there. Granted...with all four of them...it was definitely "crushing, head over heels at first sight". They are gorgeous beautiful girls....but I digress...

As the night wore on, however, I grew more and more melancholy. I was never going to see Lily again...unless I went back to the restaurant and she happened to be there...but I had not made a move...and that was that...I was never going to make a move...was I? Will I?

How long will I be able to live emotionally celibate? I'm not worried so much about the physical...although that is a battle in itself, but not like being alone emotionally...and I can hear my therapist, and Alex, and Ky, and everyone else telling me that the Atonement, and a better relationship with my Father and the Savior can take those feelings away, but really? They can fill the hole, the emptiness that comes with not having that one person in your life? The love of your live so to speak? I don't believe that. I am sorry, but right now...I just don't believe that.
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