One day, a few months ago, I was driving in the car with my friend Alice, and I was pretty ornery that day, and Alice said, in response to an ornery remark I made, "You're a bitch". I acknowledged that I was being a bit bitchy at that moment, but she said it wasn't just this moment, it was always...it was my personality. Not being in a mood to really argue, and frankly, thinking she might indeed be right, I brushed over the comment and we went on with our evening. However, upon later mulling over of the comment I became somewhat irritated. I am not a bitch...well I can be...but I don't think it's who I am. That is not in my nature. I am a good, and kind person...as is my friend Alice...probably one of the kindest I know.
Alice has, unfortunately, only known me during a very unpleasant and somewhat dark period in my life...so to her...that is my core personality. But still, whether she knew me before or not, if she really knew me I have to believe she would see what kind of person I really am...and I think she does, and I think it was more of a passing comment but every once in a while it bothers me that she said that.
But despite all of that, she is a friend, a trusted friend, who has been loyal, and understanding from the very beginning. I want her to see the person I use to be...I want to be the person I was. I NEED to be the person I was. It makes me sad that perhaps she doesn't see that...maybe she doesn't know I can be that person...and what scares me even more is that maybe I will never be that person again.
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