The following is an entry in my journal:
I was doing so well. But I'm not ok. The depression seems to be returning...almost as if it were a living thing...taking over my body, returning with a vengeance. I lay in my bed...my only wish is to let this life be over. I remember that I have a bottle of Xanax in my drawer-I don't know how many it would take to kill me, but I have almost a whole bottle left. It would do the trick. Two thoughts hold me here- 1) my parents...would be so disappointed...2)my siblings. If I ever wanted to be worthy of the title of her friend this is not the way to do it. But I hurt...though it is only because of myself that I hurt. No one else. Sometimes that is what stops me-I am the one that hurts-no one deserves to suffer because of my pain. It hasn't been this bad for a while
Last night I met with my therapist. I told her about this when she asked how I had been with thoughts of suicide. I really have been ok...minus the above mentioned night. The thing about taking my life...it does no good...and it would be an insult to all those who love and support me...who have faith in me...and it would only cause hurt...hurt that could not be taken back, that may not dissipate with time...my siblings, my mom, Alex, Ky, Grey... so many. It is not the way to go. But in a clear moment like now, it is much easier to have convictions in that. In those low moments like August 3rd...I am not myself...I am someone else; a someone who does not have my strength, and power, my faith and knowledge. The goal is not to find a way to overcome those feelings of ending my life, but rather overcoming that person that takes over the real Sam in those moments.
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