"How did I get here..."

So Sunday night I was an idiot. I put almost an entire bottle of sleeping pills in my mouth and started to swallow...I sat on my bathroom floor trying to swallow and then gagging myself...eventually I did pull myself up to my sink and spit/puke them out and washed them down the drain.

I am sitting here sick to my stomach that I even could get that close. I just got so overwhelmed this weekend. It was such an emotional weekend...some positive, even euphoric feelings of happiness...and then...lowest of lows. I haven't had an emotional spike that severe in a long time. However...now I know that even when I am on the edge...hanging off by only a few fingers...I am not going completely over...I couldn't do it...for whatever reason...because I am scared...because I am weak...because I am strong...because I'm not an idiot...I don't know...I am feeling pretty confused right now.

I told Alex what happened today. I was nervous to tell her, and it was over the phone, so who knows what her true reaction was...but saying it out loud makes me feel sicker...and the reality of what I could have done is sinking in deeper. Who was that last night? Some twisted and broken version of Sam? I don't know...I know that I am feeling confused, and frustrated today...I was stupid and selfish.

But I couldn't do it...in the end...I couldn't...I won't. Talk about self-inflicted refiner's fire.

But I hurt...I ache for the emotional intimacy. I miss it so much...more than I want to admit, more than I can stand, more than I should.......................??