I know why I couldn't do it...why I couldn't keep the pills down...why I will never have a girlfriend...why I will continue to live a life that feels so conflicting at times...because this [the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints] isn't just an institution that preaches good values, and morals, and some truth...it is THE truth housed in an imperfect institution. I know that. I have known that since age four. It has been a blessing and my saving grace throughout my life...and at times has been the bane of my existence...knowing what is true...and wanting what is contrary to that truth...I feel as though I am being ripped in two at times. It is so often overwhelming...it feels as if it is too much to bear...and last night...it did become too much...but even when it was too much...I still could not give up...because the truth was still there.
I know that this knowledge is a great blessing...and for that I have deep gratitude...but it also feels like a curse...if I didn't know the truth...I could easily find a girlfriend...I could have made an effort with Alex and possibly won her over...I would still be with Allyson...and frankly...I would probably be happy. My family would still love me...and I would be some one's favorite person...I would have that person to have a nightly routine with...that deep, emotional, intimate connection...
I am sure that there are those out there who may read this, or something like unto it, and be so disgusted, or saddened because they might feel as if I have been brainwashed...but I am not an idiot...I am actually quite intelligent. I know what I know because I have sought the truth for myself...because I wanted to know, I needed to know. And because of that I will continue to find myself at odds with myself...and probably others. And I will continue to be exhausted and frustrated...to be in pain...to feel an intense stab of loneliness on a daily and sometimes hourly basis...but...I will keep going...because what else can I do?
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