Regret?

Is it possible...is that the word I'm looking for?  I don't know...perhaps I should explain the scenario and then you can tell me what the right word is.

Once upon a time I made a decision.  It was a very painful decision.  It was also the right decision.  But so often I regret making that right decision.  Is that right? Is that possible?  Can you actually regret a decision that was right?  Perhaps "regret" is the wrong word?  But I know, unfortunately, what regret feels like...and this is regret.  As I said...I don't constantly feel regret for my decision...but it is there...often.

Does this mean that I don't really have a desire to be a good person?  Does this mean that I'd rather make wrong decisions in my life to satisfy my immediate desires for happiness?  I think we all want that sometimes...more than sometimes...speaking for myself of course.  Instant gratification, well, I don't think I would call it instant...perhaps..."not eternal" gratification is what I often desire.

So what do I do with this regret?  I feel it and then move on and hope it goes away.  And have faith that there will be a day that I will rejoice in the right decision that I made.  I will know without any doubt whatsoever that it was the right decision and I will feel how right it was and regret will be something of which I will have zero concept.

2011

"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would."

 ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

I hope I can learn to see better those around me. 

"Direction is initially more important than speed." - Neal A. Maxell

I've always been a "saunterer"  When I was in college my roommates would tease me and tell me to leave a few minutes before them when we walked to class because they knew they would catch up with me...and joke or no joke...it was true...they always caught up to me.  I guess I could lengthen my stride...but it feels awkward.  I walk at a pace that fits me...I always have...and I imagine I always will.  And despite my somewhat slower pace...I still manage to get to where I need to go

And so it is with my life...I don't seem to do things in the "right" order or in the way that will lead me to "success".  But whose definitions of right and success am I supposed to live by?  Well that is for me and God to figure out.  Not anyone else.  How fast I get to where ever it is I'm going...it is in my Father's time...but as long as I'm heading that way...I'm golden.  Some days my best is like an Olympic marathon runner...and some days...well...it is more like limp across a desert...while I'm thirsty and exhausted. But such is life...we just keep going...no matter what...however fast or slow.

sorry mom

the title of the post is a reference to the fact that my mother has a strong distaste for the word I'm about to use.

Do you ever have those days where you think, or even say out loud, "my life sucks". well I don't really ever have those days...how could I? There are way too many things in my life to be thankful for. It would be so selfish of me to say that. But while I may not feel like my life sucks...I definitely suck at life. I can't seem to make anything worthwhile out of the great things that I do have in my life.

If my life were a Super Mario Brothers game I would definitely be out of lives.  Reset button anyone?

I don't mean to throw a pity party or splurge on the self deprecation...it is really just the way I've been feeling this week.  And there are definitely some ignitors for these feelings...but I don't think it matters how this downward spiral started...I need to figure out how to pull myself out.  I can't suddenly make something awesome and spectacular of my life...but I know I can make it to the first castle and get 50,000 or is it 5,000...points from the flag pole at the end of this level...saving the princess and defeating the dragon might have to be another day...but I know I can at least start making my way through two dimensional piranha infested waters...or perhaps I could just skip level two and move right on to man-eating plants popping out of sewer pipes...regardless...I just need one box...with one coin...that would be enough right now. I would feel as if I actually accomplished something and that I wasn't so sucktastic.

what I wish...

‎"...you'll find that being a friend is to like a person for who they are, even the parts you don't understand. The reasons you like them make the things you don't understand unimportant. You don't have to understand, or do the same, or live their lives for them. If you truly care for them, then you want them to be who they are; that was why you liked them in the first place." Terry Goodkind

What I wish is that I always lived my life by those words...that we all could.  I get we want the best for everyone in our lives...but who am I to say what it is that someone needs in their life? And who is anyone else to tell me what equals success or happiness? My life is between me and God.

Even Walls Fall Down...just not sure when that will happen...

Some days are diamonds-Some days are rocks-Some doors are open-Some roads are blocked

It's there.  As solid as ever.  I know it will fall down.  I'm just not sure when.

Winter Winds

 In general conference last month Elder Dieter F Uchtdorf which is entitled "Of Things that Matter Most"  I'm not going to talk about the things that matter most.

In started his talk by pointing out how much we can learn about life through nature.  Interesting considering just previous to general conference I wrote a post on that exact subject.  He used an example of how a tree grows saying: "...during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival."

That is how I feel right now...like I'm simply in survival mode.  Recent events beyond my control yet having a direct affect on me have persuaded me into survival mode (and are the cause for a lack of blogging).  It is frustrating to say the least...since I'd been on such a high about so many things lately.  I'd been feeling so much peace in my life.  More than I had felt in such a long time.  And now...I...I'm not actually sure how I feel.  I know there is anger involved...some guilt...sadness....more anger...confusion....???  With all of that swirling around I find myself shutting down.  When I stop to think about events my brain sort of goes blank.  I can't really think about anything specific.  There are moments that I do try to process things but mainly...I just kind of feel blank about the whole thing.  And perhaps that is myself trying to control my anger...because maybe my anger is more than I realize.  Or perhaps I just still haven't really wrapped my head around everything.

Needless to say, as the winter approaches I feel myself going into survival mode.  Working all day.  Looking for books to get lost in.  Making a list of great movies to curl up on the coach with.  Attempts at new baked goods.  Falling asleep with a movie playing so that I can't think about anything.  This is perhaps not the healthiest of behaviors...but it is what I need to do to survive.  And the fact that I feel myself moving into this survival mode frustrates me.  I don't want to give this event any power over my life...especially not when I finally was beginning to feel like I had found such peace.  ARG!

What does give me hope is my amazing family.  And the fact that winter does end...spring will come again.

"Remember spring swallows snow for leaves. You'll be happy and wholesome again..."