A Shout Out to the O.T.

I have been attempting to read the Old Testament. A handful of trusted friends, who have either taught it in seminary or institute, or meticulously studied it, are constantly talking it up. So, it is my turn to make an attempt to read the book that seems daunting and boring to every seminary student. (I did sit through O.T. seminary. I took it from a teacher who did not know how to teach. He struggled, but he was a great man who constantly expressed his love for the Savior).

My first look into it was 1st and 2nd Samuel. I didn't delve into Samuel as much as I should and I will repent, and return again. But I did delve into the story of David and Jonathan and their deep, abiding friendship. It is one of the greatest expressions of friendship I have ever read and is a testament to the importance of that particular relationship among man. The words are passionate, piercing. I think it is a great example of the love and friendship that the Savior must feel for each one of us, and it gives me great peace that a relationship so deep, and intense can exist between members of the same sex. It has helped me to put certain feelings and aspects of my feelings towards certain friends into a perspective that up until that point, I had found confusing and frustrating.

My second look was into Jonah...and I have been stuck there for about a week or two. Not because I am struggling, but because the book of Jonah, Jonah's story, his relationship with God, his personality, has touched me in a way that I cannot fully explain. Along with my trusty O.T study guide, and some insight for my therapist, I have come to understand, not only the story of Jonah better, but the nature of my own relationship with myself, with my Father in Heaven, and with my struggles.

Though many plain and precious truths have been lost for the Bible, with an open and willing heart, and some bonus insight, there is a wealth of discovery in that book. I am so grateful for it.

When you fall in love with the good energy of someone, and being around them regularly just keeps you happy, it is hard to lose that. No truer words were spoken. They are not mine, but they are SO true.

?

I don't know what to do. I am happy, but my heart still aches. I am feeling pretty stressed but I still have a sense of peace. I'm kind of feeling directionless, but not lost. I don't know how to describe it. I'm kind of confused. There are things going on that I feel like should really be throwing me out of sync...but I feel ok. I mean...I just feel at peace...I don't know. I think feeling so calm is kind of throwing me off. I am use to being in a state of confusion and upheaval. I imagine it will come soon-that feeling of confusion and distraught. But for now, I will just keep on keepin' on...as Gladys has said, and enjoy this feeling of peace. It would be nice to be able to hold on to that peace all the time, and I am pretty sure there is a way...and I am even more sure that I know that way...it is just the strength of character that I may be lacking. But I also know what I need to become stronger...

Sitting on the floor

Alex and I were talking a few weeks back and she said that she would rather be sitting on the floor, than have the chair pulled out from underneath her again. I understand that desire, I do. I have been sitting on the floor for the last, almost, five months. But I can’t; that is not the way life works. Ky was very adamant to defend Alex last night when I was sharing my frustrations about Alex’s attitude. Ky said that there is comfort and even a “safe” feeling in misery. I know that…I have been miserable; I have let myself swim in my misery…bathe in it even. That action, or lack of action, got me nowhere. Well, that is not entirely true…it did get me somewhere, but not somewhere I wanted to be. In the end, it made things worse.

I understand that it is difficult to get up off the floor. It is easier to be pessimistic, or even realistic. But it is depressing, and we cannot progress nearly as much. I can’t begin to know what life is like for Alex, or even for Ky, and they can’t begin to know what it’s like for me…but for ALL of us, I KNOW that it is better that we pick ourselves up EVERY SINGLE TIME we are knocked down, or fall.

the big picture

As mortals, we live somewhat finite lives. Having the truth in my life allows me to have a less finite perspective. Because of my knowledge of my Father in Heaven and my Savior provides me with the ability to have an eternal perspective. An eternal perspective is very valuable...probably invaluable...but I still, as a mortal, live in the finite world and struggle greatly with my day to day perspective...but I realized something today while listening to Elder Andersen during General Conference...though I may live in a finite world, with a finite mind...on a day to day basis...the eternal perspective is a blessing and a strength that I should not underestimate. But I curse it always...because it is so, so frustrating!

So what?

Yesterday I posted the stand I have taken...and I am still taking that stand today, but I have to say...the weight and reality of that stand has sunk in...and there are "goods" and "not so much my favorites". The idea of not having that one person...that intimate partner for life...and I am not simply talking about physical intimacy...in fact I am not referring to that at all. There is something inspiring, invigorating, strengthening...about having that "person"...your person...my person. I had that person...but she is some one's person...and so, now I have kind of half a person...or rather...a part time person, or quarter time person. I wouldn't say half a person because she is ALWAYS my person 100% when I actually get to see her and really talk with her...but that doesn't happen so often.

I also feel overwhelmed by the cultural stigma that exists in the culture that I am surrounded by. I am getting older, I am not married, something must be wrong with me...is something wrong with me? I wonder? Am I a social deviant? Twenty years ago, thirty years ago...I very well could have been considered one. Am I one now? I like girls...but I know that is not right. That is a difficult thing for me to say...or rather...type. It is difficult to say that how I feel, what brings me comfort and peace is not right...but it isn't....the truth is the truth regardless of how I feel about it. BUT...there it is...the truth...the truth I cannot escape. The truth that is my saving grace...that will be my saving grace. Right is right and wrong is wrong...my mom taught me that...and so...I will continue through this life...happy at times, frustrated, confused, lonely, excited, loved...just like the rest of the world. I like girls...so what...that is life.