Just to forewarn you...this post is sort of all over the place. With that...enjoy.
Today a college friend died. He was a very friendly and out going guy. I do not recall a time when he wasn't smiling or laughing. I loved watching him in the campus drag show each year. What I appreciated the most about him was his respect for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He was a member...but he choose a different path to walk down. I never once heard him speak ill of the church. It was a great lesson that he taught me...without even knowing it, I would imagine.
Just because the path that you are traveling down is very different than the gospel path...there is not need or a place for disrespect. Nor is there a need or a place for disrespect to those who do not travel down the gospel path.
Right now, the gospel path is the one that I'm on...not without some frustration and some heartache...and a LOT of questions for my Father. But I what love so much is that the people in my life are supportive. Whether they are members of the LDS church, or non members or anything in between...for the most part...neither side pushes me. Both share their opinions but I've never felt pressured into a decision that I've made.
There is rarely a day when I do not feel solid in my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ...but there are days when I have so many questions for my Father. When I wish I could just walk with him and ask him about gender and attraction and sexuality and why I don't have gills so I can swim under water (cause I'd really love to be able to do that).
But despite all the questions and the heartache...I'm not unhappy. I know that I'm so blessed. I know my Father in Heaven is aware of me. And I know in moments of deep frustration and acute heartache the atonement of my Savior can alleviate some of the burden...I guess all of it, actually...but I've never felt all of it lifted...not sure if that is a result of a lack of faith on my part...or a part of the plan. Something to consider and discuss with my Father in pray...the only way I can...for now...someday...he and I are going to have to find an endless beach to walk on...because I have endless questions. Good thing that we have eternity.
1 comment:
Wow, you are amazing. I stumbled upon your blog looking for the Rabbi Harold Kushner quote you have at the top, and then stopped to read for a minute. I love your testimony, and that even though you don't understand some things (does anyone?), you are strong in your faith. I've felt the same kind of questions, and don't have any anwswers either. I'm inspired by you, and I'm grateful I came across your blog today. Keep up the faith.
-A Sister in the Gospel
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