Often times homosexuality is compared, by members of the LDS faith, other faiths, people who believe it is a weakness...to an addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc...while I've accepted that comparison for conversation sake...it is never sat super well with me...it has sat more like a small primary child sitting in the teacher's chair and almost falling out the back...or the teacher sitting in the small chair meant for the child and never really being able to find a comfortable position. The reason...I think...is twofold...or maybe morethantwofold...
a BIG FAT NUMBER ONE is that drug, alcohol, pornography...those addictions involve inanimate objects* as opposed to ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS. I am not addicted to a person...I'm not addicted to a behavior...I'm ATTRACTED TO A HUMAN BEING. Definitions below for your convenience...thoughts continued below those...
ad·dic·tion noun uh-dik-shuh
nthe state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics,to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.
at·trac·tion noun /əˈtrakSHən/
a force acting mutually between particles of matter, tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation; to draw by appeal to natural or excited interest, emotion, or aesthetic sense
A person struggling with addiction is taught to avoid the substance/activity/etc...that they are addicted to. If this was comparable then I should be avoiding girls, relationships with girls, looking at girls at all. I am not trying to be dramatic here....I am trying to make a point. Working out my sexual orientation within a paradigm of the gospel of Jesus Christ cannot be done by throwing it in a category with addiction. While on the very, Very, VERY outside it may seem like that will work, it won't...not for me anyway. Perhaps...for some it does...I know that I use to subscribe to that school of thought. I don't anymore. I'm not saying people are wrong for approaching things that way...I do think it is wrong to say they are the same...but if approaching your sexuality that way allows you to work for your end goal, then truly, more power to you. That approach may have worked for me if my end goal was to find a man and get married in the temple. And while I know that is what needs to happen for my course of eternal salvation to continue into the eternities (is there actually more than one?) it does not have to happen right now.
Frankly, I don't want it to. I agree with Justin and feel that it is "good how it is". I haven't always felt that way...and perhaps in this life I won't always feel that way. But I do right now. I don't want to worry about finding a nice man to settle down and raise a family with. I don't want to worry about suppressing or getting rid of the feelings I have for the women of the world. I know it causes me frustration at times, and some sadness and some loneliness and hurt and anger...but it has brought me some of the greatest relationships of my life, some of the most joyful and happy moments of my life. It has taught me invaluable lessons and shaped me into who I am and who I continue to become...I will NOT give any of that up to get rid of the negative. I. Will. Not.
Besides, I have plenty of faults that I need to work on, plenty of temple attending I need to do, plenty of scripture reading, plenty of word of wisdom keeping, plenty of living my life working to be closer to the spirit...why try and change something that doesn't need to change. If my attraction where a hinderance to any of those things I am working on previously mentioned...then I think perhaps my end goal would be to suppress the feelings...but it is not a hinderance.
I genuinely believe, truly...that it will work it self out. I will keep trying to live my life the best I can...between me and Heavenly Father...and I know if I do that things will work out...I have it on good authority that is true:
"Things will work out. Keep trying. Be believing. Don't get discouraged. Things will work out." Gordon B Hinckley
I have no plans to begin dating women or to leave the church or the gospel behind. But I also have no plans to make an effort to date men. I DO have plans to continue to be the social girl that I am. And if a fella' does want to ask me out, if he is interesting, fun, funny, engaging...I will say yes. I like engaging, kind, funny people. That is who I want to spend my time with. And if a cute girl passes my way and we click and I feel my attraction going beyond the boundaries of friendship, I will remind myself where my boundaries are and build a fantastic friendship with her. And whether they (my girl friends) know it or not, most of our friendships started that way for me :) That attraction has been a blessing. I am the friend that I am in large part because of what comes with being attracted to girls...along with all the other fantastically charming aspects of my personality. I am like a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine! And my goal is to continue to be just that.
*(I would like to clarify that I am not in anyway whatsoever meaning to belittle any person's struggle with any addiction. While I myself do not struggle with one, I do have friends who do and I have seen small glimpses of the pain and suffering...and also great triumph :)...that comes...so I am not saying my life is worse/better/easier...just different)
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