The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
— Carl Jung


The post below is actually my comments to a post I read here.  I think the last paragraph goes alone well with my quote for today.  And the first two are just thoughts of mine.


I wonder about gender all the time. I feel like a girl. I'm happy being a girl. And I'm attracted to girls...on all levels...physical, emotional and spiritual. (and I would add that I 100% believe gender was established before we came here).  Being attracted to women seems such a part of who I am...not just a physical part, but a spiritual part as well. And I have to wonder is it isn't part of Heavenly Father's plan, then why does the attraction go beyond physicality? 

I also wonder why it feels so right, as in "ctr" right, to be with a girl? I've done a lot of things that are contrary to the teachings of the gospel, and truthfully, I've felt in the back of my mind that they were wrong. But when it came to being with my ex girlfriend...it never felt wrong. I felt guilty because I knew in my head that it was wrong...but I couldn't feel it in my heart. Why not?

And one more thing...then I'll stop...as far as the role of attraction...I think "men are that they might have joy" I find great joy in meeting a girl that I'm attracted to and that I connect with...despite the fact that friendship is as far as it will go. There is still so much joy found in that attraction. And when I meet a great guy...though the physical or emotional attraction may not be there (because sometimes the spiritual is) I find great joy in those relationships as well. Perhaps we would be a lot more selfish and introverted were it not for the attraction that we felt for people...emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, etc...

February=Love: the 16th

Just to forewarn you...this post is sort of all over the place.  With that...enjoy.

Today a college friend died.  He was a very friendly and out going guy.  I do not recall a time when he wasn't smiling or laughing.  I loved watching him in the campus drag show each year.  What I appreciated the most about him was his respect for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  He was a member...but he choose a different path to walk down.  I never once heard him speak ill of the church.  It was a great lesson that he taught me...without even knowing it, I would imagine.

Just because the path that you are traveling down is very different than the gospel path...there is not need or a place for disrespect.  Nor is there a need or a place for disrespect to those who do not travel down the gospel path.

Right now, the gospel path is the one that I'm on...not without some frustration and some heartache...and a LOT of questions for my Father.  But I what love so much is that the people in my life are supportive.  Whether they are members of the LDS church, or non members or anything in between...for the most part...neither side pushes me.  Both share their opinions but I've never felt pressured into a decision that I've made.

There is rarely a day when I do not feel solid in my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ...but there are days when I have so many questions for my Father.  When I wish I could just walk with him and ask him about gender and attraction and sexuality and why I don't have gills so I can swim under water (cause I'd really love to be able to do that).

But despite all the questions and the heartache...I'm not unhappy.  I know that I'm so blessed.  I know my Father in Heaven is aware of me.  And I know in moments of deep frustration and acute heartache the atonement of my Savior can alleviate some of the burden...I guess all of it, actually...but I've never felt all of it lifted...not sure if that is a result of a lack of faith on my part...or a part of the plan. Something to consider and discuss with my Father in pray...the only way I can...for now...someday...he and I are going to have to find an endless beach to walk on...because I have endless questions. Good thing that we have eternity.

February=Love: the 13th

I know, I know...I am missing a few days.  But I didn't PROMISE I would write everyday, just that I would try.

"Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with.  His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine"

~Henry S Haskins

I use to wonder if people would think I was crazy....well people do think I am a little crazy...but specifically I would wonder if they thought it was ridiculous that I would strive to live my life in a way that would prohibit me from having an intimate relationship with a girl. I mean, really? Why deny myself something that is so fulfilling?  Why go through life as just Mario...with no Luigi?  No peas to my carrots?  No yin to my yang?  No pork chops for my apple sauce? No (insert euphemism of your choice)?  

Well I've since discovered that some people do indeed think that I am crazy for trying to be celibate and live the gospel of Jesus Christ...denying myself a fulfilling and emotionally, spiritually and physically intimate relationship.  You might think these are people who are not members of the LDS faith.  And some of them are...but there are, surprisingly, a fair amount of people who think I am crazy (for this reason) who are of my faith.  It is not that they don't believe the gospel of Jesus Christ isn't true...I'm actually not entirely sure what their reasons are.

And truly, I can understand the disbelief, the exasperation, the disappointment, the irritation, the confusion, the (insert adjective of choice).  To be perfectly honest...I often want to say to other members who struggle with same gender attraction..."do what you need to do".  In fact, I have done that.  Here is why.

As the quote above states, "His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine"  I feel that way.  I don't often know what has gone on in another person's life, let alone their head, to bring them to the point they're at...emotionally and spiritually.  I've come to realize in the last five or so years how personal the gospel of Jesus Christ really is.  In this life it is between us (as in yourself or myself) and God.  (Which is my succinct way of saying myself, God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost).

So while I will not tell someone how to live their life (except maybe if I have kids...jokes!)  I will do my best to live my life in the best way that I can, so that I might be an example to those around me.  And sometimes I do think we need to call our friends on their crap...because I know I need my friends to call me on mine sometimes.  But let us strive to do so in a loving way...the way that the Savior would.  

I wrote this  and this a while back and I feel like both are completely applicable to this post.  I would hope that although I may make a choice for my life that those around me do not understand, whether it is going down the gospel path, or the path that leads to pork chops for my applesauce, they will not be so harsh to the point that my faith is being torn apart.  For it is one of the few things in this life that is truly my own, that I have worked so hard to gain.  I do my best to always be respectful of what other's believe...and why they believe what they believe.  But respect does not mean I have to change my beliefs or outlook or put my faith into something else.  It means that I listen to them, possibly share my own feelings and beliefs, and then go about my business having a better understanding of that person which hopefully leads to a more Christ-like love.

February=Love: the 11th

I know, I know...I skipped the 10th.  I'm sorry.  I'll try to make it up at some point this month...but for now I'm in the present and the present is the 11th.

I recently came across this quote:

It's choice --- not chance --- that determines your destiny.

- Jean Nidetch

Though I imagine Ms. Nidetch was referring more to our weight and physical health..  And of course it applies...but even beyond that...it is what I believe...what I fought hard to have in this life...choice...the ability to choose for myself.  That is not to say that certain things aren't in my DNA, physically and spiritually speaking.  I mean we existed before we came here...we had personalities...probably pretty similar to who we are now...minus the changes that have come from our experiences.  But despite any predisposition, any environment, any experience...we always retain the power that trumps all of those things...our agency...our ability and privilege to make our choices...for good or not so good.  I mean my spiritual DNA could have included some coding that makes me a kind person...but I can still choose to be an ass.  I'm not saying that is the case for me...just illustrating my point.  I like girls.  My preference would be to date girls.  That attraction has to come from somewhere inside me...I didn't make it up...that I did NOT choose.  But what I do with that attraction...that IS my choice.

And I like that.  I would hate it if my life decisions were all made for me.  I often joke about wanting to hire someone to make my decisions for me, but honestly, I don't want that.  I really do value my agency.  I know that I haven't always made the right decisions.  In fact sometimes I think I've made more wrong decisions than I have right ones...and yet I still manage to get to where I need to be...but regardless...I'm so grateful that I'm the one who has made the choices.  And I'm grateful for the sacrifices that have been made, so that I could have that choice. A third of Heavenly Father's children were lost in a battle for this choice.  His only begotten Son suffered beyond description so that despite making poor choices, there would still be a chance for me to be exalted.  Not too mention the fact that my decisions, whether I like it or not, can affect those around me.

I hope that I can keep these things at the forefront of my mind. In typing this the weight of the significance of my agency sort of fell on me.  I hope rather than being crushed under that weight, I'm able to gain the strength to carry it with my good, better and best decisions.  

February=Love

So it is February in Utah.  A lot of people do not like February in Utah.  It is the homestretch of the winter and it can be pretty dreary and often fairly cold.  I happen to not hate February.  For multiple reasons.  And so, this month I'm going to go the extra mile to bring a  little more joy to this dreary month.  And if it isn't dreary where you are perhaps these posts may just brighten your day. 


So I should have started this on the first of February and now I am ten days behind.  So I will make up for ten days now and will promise (to do my best) to make a new post each day for the rest of the month.


Below are ten quotes (one for each day of February so far) from tv shows, movies, books, or plays that I have found significant and pertaining gospel truths.  Following my first quote is my reason for using these quotes and how I came up with this idea.

February 9th:

"When the right time comes 

and you're in the right place, 

it helps if you're doing the right thing."

A great thought, no?  I'm fairly certain I've heard Elder Oaks make a similar statement.  In fact I know that he has...I have it written on the cover of one of my journals. (and if my journal was not boxed up with the rest of my life and I would quote it here for you)  

It's been there for years.  

Interestingly enough, this quote was from a tv show on the CW called Hellcats. (we can talk later about the fact that I watch Hellcats) Yep, folks, the fictional head coach of a fictional collegiate cheer leading squad actually has something worthwhile to say.  That is NOT to say that watching Hellcats is a valuable way to spend my time, but what struck me last night was that I often find great life lessons on tv.  I wondered why.  And today this is what I came up with...

truth is truth where ever it is found and it will find a way to make it's way into the world by any means it can.  This does not at all lessen the importance of the scriptures, or attending church, the temple or General Conference.  In fact, we NEED those things along with the Holy Ghost to not only learn the truth, but understand it for ourselves as well.

But God, he is thinking globally...no...universally...infinitely universally...or something incomprehensible like that.  He loves us.  Each and every one of us.  I know that is true.  And He wants, more than anything, to see all of us return to him...and because of that, it is not difficult for me to believe that he will employee all means to get the truth to us.  Now this is doctrine by (not)Sam...so take it for what you will.  Perhaps I'm completely wrong and there is nothing redeeming about Hellcats.  And perhaps, for me there isn't anything redeeming about it.  I mean, we're judged based on the light and knowledge that we have and I have considerable light and knowledge when it comes to the gospel.  In that case, I think that my Father in Heaven probably expects me to gain truth and increase my understanding of truth through other means, not through tv shows on the CW.  But then again, he knows me.  So perhaps those gems of life lessons pop up from time to time so that I can remember what is good, better and best and back back to striving for the best.

With all of that being said, here are a handful of some of my most favorite lines from tv shows, movies, plays or books that I've found excellent gospel lessons in.

February 8th:

I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure our goodness by what we embrace, what we create and who we include.

-Pere Henri from Chocolat

This one is probably familiar since it was the subject of my last post.  So to hear my musings about it, click here.

February 7th:

"Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild."

 Veronica Mars from Veronica Mars

I watched the episode containing this line a month or so after my dad told my mom he wanted a divorce.  I thought immediately of my mom and how this is exactly what she is doing.  And then I thought of things in my life that I might consider tragic and how rebuilding is NOT always what I am doing.  As much as I don't want to admit, I find myself, more often than not, living in the shambles of what was once a mansion.  A condemned building is not a safe place to be.  No good comes from trying to ignore gaping holes in on the second floor or on the stairs.  Not having a roof does not provide a whole lot of protection from the elements.  So not only do I get pelted by rain and sleet, but the weather adds more wear and tear to an already falling apart house.  So I'm working on taking a cue from my mother (that is almost always a brilliant idea because she is a brilliant lady) and getting to work on some new plans for a new mansion.

February 6th:

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have." ~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

Ah...good old Grey's Anatomy.  Many a hidden gems in that show.  I like it some of the time.  I haven't watched it as regularly lately, but I've gleaned quite a few gems from Grey's.  I remember hearing this one...couldn't tell you what season or episode it was from...but I laughed to myself...actually chuckled out loud.  I had recently spoken to Aly on the phone and was feeling so, so torn about which path to choose.  Do I date girls and turn my back on the truth of the gospel? Or do I give up on having a relationship and follow the path that leads to eternal salvation?  This line wasn't any great or mind blowing revelation...but somehow I did find comfort in the fact that the world (in this case being represented by Grey's Anatomy) understood sacrifice.  Surprising in a world that is very much rooted in immediate satisfaction.  I also thought about wants and desire.  I realized that though I might want a emotionally, physically and spiritually intimate relationship with a girl...it would not bring me true, pure and lasting happiness.  Imperfect as I am, my desires are influenced by my natural man.  A lot, or a little.  It really depends on where I am in relation to my Father and the Holy Ghost and the Savior.  What I NEED to do is get my wants to be the wants that my Father has for me...so that what I most want IS some that I CAN have.

February 5th:

"He is afraid for you.  So he hovers.  Other people might lock you in a cell overnight to be urinated on by a meth head, but it all comes from the same place."

~Derrick Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

I know, I know...another one...stop reading now if it bothers you because there are going to be more.  Recently a friend of mine, a couple of them actually, said some very harsh, but true, things to me.  I didn't get upset.  They were right.  And beyond being right, they said the things they said because they care about me.  I'm immensely grateful that I have friends who do not "spare the rod and spoil the child".  My friend Kim (yes, her real name) loved the line "drink life straight, no chaser."  They're lyrics from a Bush song.  I never forgotten those lyrics and I've tried my best, though not always with success, to be honest and straight forward with my friends.  But I've also tried very hard to make sure that if what I say could be hurtful, they know that it comes from a place of love.  I mean, really, do you want your husband driving one hundred miles per hour through the streets of Seattle?  If he hits a telephone pole he is toast. (a Grey's reference).  We do not want that for our husbands, wives, children, friends...any of our loved ones.  So we do what we have to do...and not only that, but we do what we can...and sometimes there are limits.  But I think we always have to try.  Were it not for my friends and family who tell it to me straight...I may be blogging about a recent cruise my girlfriend and I took.  Instead...I'm blogging (mostly for my sake) about ALL the things in life that I find support, motivation and comfort from.

February 4th:

"Isn't it better to be alone and feel like a success, than to be in a relationship and feel like a failure all the time?"

~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

I think the line speaks for itself.  My mom actually said this to me almost verbatim a few years prior to Grey's Anatomy being on tv.  And since my mom said it, I KNOW it must be true! :)

February 3rd:

"--I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand.  It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.

You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 

~Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird 

I tear up every time I read this section of the book and especially when Atticus says this to Jem.  I wake up some mornings wonder what the point of resisting such an intense desire (the desire to have a companion, coupled with my attraction to girls).  I honestly have days, a lot of days, where despite what I might say, I don't really know that I'll be able to choose the gospel for the rest of my mortal life.  I feel so weak and defeated...all while still lying in the comfort of my bed.  But I remember Harper Lee's words (in the soothing tones of Gregory Peck's voice) and I decide that being in the battle and never giving up is what matters.  I'm fighting for right.  

February 2nd:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ~Douglas Adams

While I am definitely still on the road and not near my final destination, I do like to stop and take a look around every once in while.  Often times as I am looking back over the course I've taken, I think, "Yeah...that is so not how I thought it would be."  Yet I'm not disappointed and I don't think I would be anywhere else other than right where I am.  Because despite the path and despite the speed, for the most part, I've always been heading towards my Father in Heaven and all that he has in store for me.  And as we know, that is what matters.

And last (for this post) but certainly not least...

one final thought from Grey's Anatomy

February 1st:

"Did you say it?  'I love you.  I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it.  But every now and then look around, drink it in cause this it it.  It might all be gone tomorrow."

~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

Valentine's day is four days away.  It doesn't just have to be about a romantic significant other.  Let it be about everyone that you love.  Make sure that they know you love them.  That they did change your life and that you don't ever want to live without them.  I hope more than anything that my friends and family know that.