Hmmmmmm...I know I want to write something...I know I am feeling a lot of emotions right now...but I am suffering from severe writers block.



I am not really feeling the holidays right now. Thanksgiving was fine...spent it with family....it was fun...but I was struggling to keep up a facade of happiness. It gets wearing after a while. I just feel very numb.

Propostion 8

This is a difficult topic for me. I have struggled with recent events. I've talked with my mom and dad about, with other family members as well as friends. Because of my own feelings, my attraction to girls...I ache for those who share my same attraction to have the lives that they desire...but pulling at me so intensely, reverberating to my very core are my beliefs in the gospel. Today the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has put out a few statements regarding the issue. In fact, long before Prop 8 the Church put out what could be referred to as a statement of sorts...or rather...to use the words of the church leaders...a proclamation. In August of 2008 an in depth article regarding the sanctity of marriage was released further explaining why the Church was taking such a vested interest in this issue. I have read both of these. I have always taken a strong stand when it comes to the sanctity of marriage.

One day back in 2004 while talking to Allyson I told her very firmly that marriage was ordained of God and was between a man and woman. I have never seen words have such a physical effect on someone, as they did on Allyson that day. Looking my best friend, a girl I had loved...still loved...still love (though in a different way)...watching her be so hurt by my beliefs...that struck me to the core and I knew right then and there that I better be damned sure that it was what I truly believed. I have spent the last four years reaffirming that faith. And though that faith is being tested now by all the power that the adversary has, I still am firm in my belief that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, that the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding marriage, regarding the family, the role of men and women both as individuals and as married, sealed couples, is true, unchanging, and is that which will bring the greatest blessings and protection in these unstable and trying times.

It is not easy for me to say these things...knowing full well that if I were ever to have a girl friend, I would still want a family, still want to be married...but I couldn't...as I have mentioned before. Knowing that so many out there who are attracted to those of the same sex, who want to be married, live their lives in peace, contribute to the world, raise children, be all around good people...it hurts me to say to them...to you...that no, I don't believe that you should have the right to be married. That is not easy for me...but marriage-between a man and a woman-is ordained of God. You may say that He is not your god, and you may feel that way...but He is indeed your God, my God...our Father in Heaven. He is our creator...He loves us...He knows what he is doing...He is preparing us for such a greater life than this.

What I DO believe is that civil rights should in NO WAY AT ALL be tied to marriage.  In fact what I do believe in is privatizing marriage.  The government should have ZERO say in what defines a marriage...REGARDLESS of that definition...whether I agree with it or not.  Marriage is a religious institution, NOT a public or federal one.

A Shout Out to the O.T.

I have been attempting to read the Old Testament. A handful of trusted friends, who have either taught it in seminary or institute, or meticulously studied it, are constantly talking it up. So, it is my turn to make an attempt to read the book that seems daunting and boring to every seminary student. (I did sit through O.T. seminary. I took it from a teacher who did not know how to teach. He struggled, but he was a great man who constantly expressed his love for the Savior).

My first look into it was 1st and 2nd Samuel. I didn't delve into Samuel as much as I should and I will repent, and return again. But I did delve into the story of David and Jonathan and their deep, abiding friendship. It is one of the greatest expressions of friendship I have ever read and is a testament to the importance of that particular relationship among man. The words are passionate, piercing. I think it is a great example of the love and friendship that the Savior must feel for each one of us, and it gives me great peace that a relationship so deep, and intense can exist between members of the same sex. It has helped me to put certain feelings and aspects of my feelings towards certain friends into a perspective that up until that point, I had found confusing and frustrating.

My second look was into Jonah...and I have been stuck there for about a week or two. Not because I am struggling, but because the book of Jonah, Jonah's story, his relationship with God, his personality, has touched me in a way that I cannot fully explain. Along with my trusty O.T study guide, and some insight for my therapist, I have come to understand, not only the story of Jonah better, but the nature of my own relationship with myself, with my Father in Heaven, and with my struggles.

Though many plain and precious truths have been lost for the Bible, with an open and willing heart, and some bonus insight, there is a wealth of discovery in that book. I am so grateful for it.

When you fall in love with the good energy of someone, and being around them regularly just keeps you happy, it is hard to lose that. No truer words were spoken. They are not mine, but they are SO true.

?

I don't know what to do. I am happy, but my heart still aches. I am feeling pretty stressed but I still have a sense of peace. I'm kind of feeling directionless, but not lost. I don't know how to describe it. I'm kind of confused. There are things going on that I feel like should really be throwing me out of sync...but I feel ok. I mean...I just feel at peace...I don't know. I think feeling so calm is kind of throwing me off. I am use to being in a state of confusion and upheaval. I imagine it will come soon-that feeling of confusion and distraught. But for now, I will just keep on keepin' on...as Gladys has said, and enjoy this feeling of peace. It would be nice to be able to hold on to that peace all the time, and I am pretty sure there is a way...and I am even more sure that I know that way...it is just the strength of character that I may be lacking. But I also know what I need to become stronger...

Sitting on the floor

Alex and I were talking a few weeks back and she said that she would rather be sitting on the floor, than have the chair pulled out from underneath her again. I understand that desire, I do. I have been sitting on the floor for the last, almost, five months. But I can’t; that is not the way life works. Ky was very adamant to defend Alex last night when I was sharing my frustrations about Alex’s attitude. Ky said that there is comfort and even a “safe” feeling in misery. I know that…I have been miserable; I have let myself swim in my misery…bathe in it even. That action, or lack of action, got me nowhere. Well, that is not entirely true…it did get me somewhere, but not somewhere I wanted to be. In the end, it made things worse.

I understand that it is difficult to get up off the floor. It is easier to be pessimistic, or even realistic. But it is depressing, and we cannot progress nearly as much. I can’t begin to know what life is like for Alex, or even for Ky, and they can’t begin to know what it’s like for me…but for ALL of us, I KNOW that it is better that we pick ourselves up EVERY SINGLE TIME we are knocked down, or fall.

the big picture

As mortals, we live somewhat finite lives. Having the truth in my life allows me to have a less finite perspective. Because of my knowledge of my Father in Heaven and my Savior provides me with the ability to have an eternal perspective. An eternal perspective is very valuable...probably invaluable...but I still, as a mortal, live in the finite world and struggle greatly with my day to day perspective...but I realized something today while listening to Elder Andersen during General Conference...though I may live in a finite world, with a finite mind...on a day to day basis...the eternal perspective is a blessing and a strength that I should not underestimate. But I curse it always...because it is so, so frustrating!