February=Love: the 13th

I know, I know...I am missing a few days.  But I didn't PROMISE I would write everyday, just that I would try.

"Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with.  His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine"

~Henry S Haskins

I use to wonder if people would think I was crazy....well people do think I am a little crazy...but specifically I would wonder if they thought it was ridiculous that I would strive to live my life in a way that would prohibit me from having an intimate relationship with a girl. I mean, really? Why deny myself something that is so fulfilling?  Why go through life as just Mario...with no Luigi?  No peas to my carrots?  No yin to my yang?  No pork chops for my apple sauce? No (insert euphemism of your choice)?  

Well I've since discovered that some people do indeed think that I am crazy for trying to be celibate and live the gospel of Jesus Christ...denying myself a fulfilling and emotionally, spiritually and physically intimate relationship.  You might think these are people who are not members of the LDS faith.  And some of them are...but there are, surprisingly, a fair amount of people who think I am crazy (for this reason) who are of my faith.  It is not that they don't believe the gospel of Jesus Christ isn't true...I'm actually not entirely sure what their reasons are.

And truly, I can understand the disbelief, the exasperation, the disappointment, the irritation, the confusion, the (insert adjective of choice).  To be perfectly honest...I often want to say to other members who struggle with same gender attraction..."do what you need to do".  In fact, I have done that.  Here is why.

As the quote above states, "His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine"  I feel that way.  I don't often know what has gone on in another person's life, let alone their head, to bring them to the point they're at...emotionally and spiritually.  I've come to realize in the last five or so years how personal the gospel of Jesus Christ really is.  In this life it is between us (as in yourself or myself) and God.  (Which is my succinct way of saying myself, God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost).

So while I will not tell someone how to live their life (except maybe if I have kids...jokes!)  I will do my best to live my life in the best way that I can, so that I might be an example to those around me.  And sometimes I do think we need to call our friends on their crap...because I know I need my friends to call me on mine sometimes.  But let us strive to do so in a loving way...the way that the Savior would.  

I wrote this  and this a while back and I feel like both are completely applicable to this post.  I would hope that although I may make a choice for my life that those around me do not understand, whether it is going down the gospel path, or the path that leads to pork chops for my applesauce, they will not be so harsh to the point that my faith is being torn apart.  For it is one of the few things in this life that is truly my own, that I have worked so hard to gain.  I do my best to always be respectful of what other's believe...and why they believe what they believe.  But respect does not mean I have to change my beliefs or outlook or put my faith into something else.  It means that I listen to them, possibly share my own feelings and beliefs, and then go about my business having a better understanding of that person which hopefully leads to a more Christ-like love.

February=Love: the 11th

I know, I know...I skipped the 10th.  I'm sorry.  I'll try to make it up at some point this month...but for now I'm in the present and the present is the 11th.

I recently came across this quote:

It's choice --- not chance --- that determines your destiny.

- Jean Nidetch

Though I imagine Ms. Nidetch was referring more to our weight and physical health..  And of course it applies...but even beyond that...it is what I believe...what I fought hard to have in this life...choice...the ability to choose for myself.  That is not to say that certain things aren't in my DNA, physically and spiritually speaking.  I mean we existed before we came here...we had personalities...probably pretty similar to who we are now...minus the changes that have come from our experiences.  But despite any predisposition, any environment, any experience...we always retain the power that trumps all of those things...our agency...our ability and privilege to make our choices...for good or not so good.  I mean my spiritual DNA could have included some coding that makes me a kind person...but I can still choose to be an ass.  I'm not saying that is the case for me...just illustrating my point.  I like girls.  My preference would be to date girls.  That attraction has to come from somewhere inside me...I didn't make it up...that I did NOT choose.  But what I do with that attraction...that IS my choice.

And I like that.  I would hate it if my life decisions were all made for me.  I often joke about wanting to hire someone to make my decisions for me, but honestly, I don't want that.  I really do value my agency.  I know that I haven't always made the right decisions.  In fact sometimes I think I've made more wrong decisions than I have right ones...and yet I still manage to get to where I need to be...but regardless...I'm so grateful that I'm the one who has made the choices.  And I'm grateful for the sacrifices that have been made, so that I could have that choice. A third of Heavenly Father's children were lost in a battle for this choice.  His only begotten Son suffered beyond description so that despite making poor choices, there would still be a chance for me to be exalted.  Not too mention the fact that my decisions, whether I like it or not, can affect those around me.

I hope that I can keep these things at the forefront of my mind. In typing this the weight of the significance of my agency sort of fell on me.  I hope rather than being crushed under that weight, I'm able to gain the strength to carry it with my good, better and best decisions.  

February=Love

So it is February in Utah.  A lot of people do not like February in Utah.  It is the homestretch of the winter and it can be pretty dreary and often fairly cold.  I happen to not hate February.  For multiple reasons.  And so, this month I'm going to go the extra mile to bring a  little more joy to this dreary month.  And if it isn't dreary where you are perhaps these posts may just brighten your day. 


So I should have started this on the first of February and now I am ten days behind.  So I will make up for ten days now and will promise (to do my best) to make a new post each day for the rest of the month.


Below are ten quotes (one for each day of February so far) from tv shows, movies, books, or plays that I have found significant and pertaining gospel truths.  Following my first quote is my reason for using these quotes and how I came up with this idea.

February 9th:

"When the right time comes 

and you're in the right place, 

it helps if you're doing the right thing."

A great thought, no?  I'm fairly certain I've heard Elder Oaks make a similar statement.  In fact I know that he has...I have it written on the cover of one of my journals. (and if my journal was not boxed up with the rest of my life and I would quote it here for you)  

It's been there for years.  

Interestingly enough, this quote was from a tv show on the CW called Hellcats. (we can talk later about the fact that I watch Hellcats) Yep, folks, the fictional head coach of a fictional collegiate cheer leading squad actually has something worthwhile to say.  That is NOT to say that watching Hellcats is a valuable way to spend my time, but what struck me last night was that I often find great life lessons on tv.  I wondered why.  And today this is what I came up with...

truth is truth where ever it is found and it will find a way to make it's way into the world by any means it can.  This does not at all lessen the importance of the scriptures, or attending church, the temple or General Conference.  In fact, we NEED those things along with the Holy Ghost to not only learn the truth, but understand it for ourselves as well.

But God, he is thinking globally...no...universally...infinitely universally...or something incomprehensible like that.  He loves us.  Each and every one of us.  I know that is true.  And He wants, more than anything, to see all of us return to him...and because of that, it is not difficult for me to believe that he will employee all means to get the truth to us.  Now this is doctrine by (not)Sam...so take it for what you will.  Perhaps I'm completely wrong and there is nothing redeeming about Hellcats.  And perhaps, for me there isn't anything redeeming about it.  I mean, we're judged based on the light and knowledge that we have and I have considerable light and knowledge when it comes to the gospel.  In that case, I think that my Father in Heaven probably expects me to gain truth and increase my understanding of truth through other means, not through tv shows on the CW.  But then again, he knows me.  So perhaps those gems of life lessons pop up from time to time so that I can remember what is good, better and best and back back to striving for the best.

With all of that being said, here are a handful of some of my most favorite lines from tv shows, movies, plays or books that I've found excellent gospel lessons in.

February 8th:

I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure our goodness by what we embrace, what we create and who we include.

-Pere Henri from Chocolat

This one is probably familiar since it was the subject of my last post.  So to hear my musings about it, click here.

February 7th:

"Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild."

 Veronica Mars from Veronica Mars

I watched the episode containing this line a month or so after my dad told my mom he wanted a divorce.  I thought immediately of my mom and how this is exactly what she is doing.  And then I thought of things in my life that I might consider tragic and how rebuilding is NOT always what I am doing.  As much as I don't want to admit, I find myself, more often than not, living in the shambles of what was once a mansion.  A condemned building is not a safe place to be.  No good comes from trying to ignore gaping holes in on the second floor or on the stairs.  Not having a roof does not provide a whole lot of protection from the elements.  So not only do I get pelted by rain and sleet, but the weather adds more wear and tear to an already falling apart house.  So I'm working on taking a cue from my mother (that is almost always a brilliant idea because she is a brilliant lady) and getting to work on some new plans for a new mansion.

February 6th:

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have." ~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

Ah...good old Grey's Anatomy.  Many a hidden gems in that show.  I like it some of the time.  I haven't watched it as regularly lately, but I've gleaned quite a few gems from Grey's.  I remember hearing this one...couldn't tell you what season or episode it was from...but I laughed to myself...actually chuckled out loud.  I had recently spoken to Aly on the phone and was feeling so, so torn about which path to choose.  Do I date girls and turn my back on the truth of the gospel? Or do I give up on having a relationship and follow the path that leads to eternal salvation?  This line wasn't any great or mind blowing revelation...but somehow I did find comfort in the fact that the world (in this case being represented by Grey's Anatomy) understood sacrifice.  Surprising in a world that is very much rooted in immediate satisfaction.  I also thought about wants and desire.  I realized that though I might want a emotionally, physically and spiritually intimate relationship with a girl...it would not bring me true, pure and lasting happiness.  Imperfect as I am, my desires are influenced by my natural man.  A lot, or a little.  It really depends on where I am in relation to my Father and the Holy Ghost and the Savior.  What I NEED to do is get my wants to be the wants that my Father has for me...so that what I most want IS some that I CAN have.

February 5th:

"He is afraid for you.  So he hovers.  Other people might lock you in a cell overnight to be urinated on by a meth head, but it all comes from the same place."

~Derrick Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

I know, I know...another one...stop reading now if it bothers you because there are going to be more.  Recently a friend of mine, a couple of them actually, said some very harsh, but true, things to me.  I didn't get upset.  They were right.  And beyond being right, they said the things they said because they care about me.  I'm immensely grateful that I have friends who do not "spare the rod and spoil the child".  My friend Kim (yes, her real name) loved the line "drink life straight, no chaser."  They're lyrics from a Bush song.  I never forgotten those lyrics and I've tried my best, though not always with success, to be honest and straight forward with my friends.  But I've also tried very hard to make sure that if what I say could be hurtful, they know that it comes from a place of love.  I mean, really, do you want your husband driving one hundred miles per hour through the streets of Seattle?  If he hits a telephone pole he is toast. (a Grey's reference).  We do not want that for our husbands, wives, children, friends...any of our loved ones.  So we do what we have to do...and not only that, but we do what we can...and sometimes there are limits.  But I think we always have to try.  Were it not for my friends and family who tell it to me straight...I may be blogging about a recent cruise my girlfriend and I took.  Instead...I'm blogging (mostly for my sake) about ALL the things in life that I find support, motivation and comfort from.

February 4th:

"Isn't it better to be alone and feel like a success, than to be in a relationship and feel like a failure all the time?"

~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

I think the line speaks for itself.  My mom actually said this to me almost verbatim a few years prior to Grey's Anatomy being on tv.  And since my mom said it, I KNOW it must be true! :)

February 3rd:

"--I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand.  It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.

You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 

~Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird 

I tear up every time I read this section of the book and especially when Atticus says this to Jem.  I wake up some mornings wonder what the point of resisting such an intense desire (the desire to have a companion, coupled with my attraction to girls).  I honestly have days, a lot of days, where despite what I might say, I don't really know that I'll be able to choose the gospel for the rest of my mortal life.  I feel so weak and defeated...all while still lying in the comfort of my bed.  But I remember Harper Lee's words (in the soothing tones of Gregory Peck's voice) and I decide that being in the battle and never giving up is what matters.  I'm fighting for right.  

February 2nd:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ~Douglas Adams

While I am definitely still on the road and not near my final destination, I do like to stop and take a look around every once in while.  Often times as I am looking back over the course I've taken, I think, "Yeah...that is so not how I thought it would be."  Yet I'm not disappointed and I don't think I would be anywhere else other than right where I am.  Because despite the path and despite the speed, for the most part, I've always been heading towards my Father in Heaven and all that he has in store for me.  And as we know, that is what matters.

And last (for this post) but certainly not least...

one final thought from Grey's Anatomy

February 1st:

"Did you say it?  'I love you.  I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it.  But every now and then look around, drink it in cause this it it.  It might all be gone tomorrow."

~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

Valentine's day is four days away.  It doesn't just have to be about a romantic significant other.  Let it be about everyone that you love.  Make sure that they know you love them.  That they did change your life and that you don't ever want to live without them.  I hope more than anything that my friends and family know that.

(not) all about me

I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure our goodness by what we embrace, what we create and who we include.

-Pere Henri, Chocolat

As a member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints I think we...I...tend to base my successes on what I deny myself and what I resist (hopefully NOT who I exclude...because we shouldn't be excluding anyone).  And though it is important to resist many things in this life that are tempting and will lead us away from the gospel path, our Father and our Savior...there are so many more things we can actually be doing that will bring us closer to all three of those AND without much conscious effort we will be steering ourselves clear of temptations.  

I think this is comparable to sins of commission verses sins of omission.  It is easy to look at what I have done, in terms of NOT choosing the right...but I so often forget to see all the times that I DO choose the right.  And even if I do recognize those moments, I don't think I really give myself a deserved pat on the back.  I'm not saying that we should have a parade for ourselves each time we do something good, but I think that as we are more able to see the goodness in ourselves we will find ourselves further along on the straight and narrow...further along than perhaps we might be if we are only judging ourselves based on what we do resist.  

The truth is, I am human.  And though I strive each day (some days with greater conviction than others...today being a "less conviction" kind of day) to resist all the temptations around me, I am not always...actually I'm not ever as successful as I would like to be.  Maybe some of you are.  Maybe some of you are pros at resisting.  (Perhaps we could get in touch and have lessons). But I am not.  And though I will work my whole life to overcome all the temptations that I may face, I know that I will not achieve perfection in that goal.  That reality is somewhat disheartening to me.  However, what counter acts that, and gives me the motivation that I need to live a righteous life, is recognizing when I do embrace others, when I do create something to put out in the world that is beautiful or helpful or inspiring or funny, etc... and I definitely find great fulfillment and a continued desire to continue towards the gospel in my relationships with my friends and family.  When I let others into my life, when their successes and failures bring me joy or heartache, when I find my love for them becoming more Christlike, it is then that my desire for righteousness and success in this life is increased one hundred fold.  

My life really is so much better when it isn't all about me.

Am I really that backwards?

Today I had an interesting conversation with a friend...or rather the information gleaned in the conversation was interesting and thought provoking.  She was talking about her friends who are gay and unlike me are pursing same sex relationships.  She said that most of her friends that are gay, have at one time or another said that if they had a choice, they would not choose to be gay.  I was genuinely surprised by this as one who is attracted to women and am a woman myself.

My feelings on the matter have tended to lean towards something like this, "I wish that there was a way for me to be with the woman of my dreams and have all the blessings of the gospel."  Or, "I wish that being gay was just a regular part of life and not against the plan of  Salvation."

I don't think my feelings have always leaned that way...in fact when I was about 13 or 14 (8th grade sometime) I was beginning to realize that I was a bit, and by bit I mean significantly, more attracted to girls than boys.  With this realization came the beginning of a self loathing that would last for years and years.  When that self loathing began to subside was about the time that I began to feel at ease with all the parts of my self...natural born, nurture born or a little bit of both...I am who I am and will strive to be the best version of that person.

As the self acceptance has grown, my attitude about my attraction has changed.  I no longer see it as a frustrating aspect of who I am...well...sexually frustrating, yes...after all, I am a women in my early thirties...sexual prime folks!  But I digress.  I don't hate this part of myself.  It is what it is.  And in spite of it, or anything else that interferes with my eternal salvation, I will do my best to get back to my Father in Heaven.  But perhaps it is because I am mortal, or misinformed or...I don't know...but rather than hoping that this attraction never was a part of me, that I was "straight" I tend to find myself wishing I could settle down and raise a family with the girl I love and live a Christ centered life with the gospel at the core.

Is that odd?  Is that wrong?  Should I be thinking that if I had a choice it wouldn't be this?  Should I be wishing that I didn't like women?  I suppose that a little part of me feels like I should.  But another part of me, a not so little part of me...in fact pretty much 99.9% of me, feels like in this life, it is between us and God and we work out our lives and our salvation with Him...no one else.  No one else matters.  No one else's opinion or view or suggestion or belief.  Only my Father in Heaven's.  So if I feel like my Father doesn't mind me wishing I could be with the girl of my dreams, than I'm golden.  And if he does...well, He and I will work that out.  He knows what I ultimately want.

Am I totally off base here?

Come Thou Fount

Enduring to the End...of 2010

Well...another year is upon us.  As I happily say goodbye to 2010 and look to 2011 to not let me down, I think about the title of my blog and how I have endured this last year.

It has not been the easiest year...for many reasons.  And I have not always endured as well as I would have liked.  I have had some low lows this year.  Not my lowest of lows...but low.  I have felt sorrow and disappointment in myself and others.  I have felt regret (see previous post).  I have been angrier than I think I ever have been in my life.  Angry with my Father in Heaven.  Angry with my family. Angry with my friends. Angry with myself.

However (don't worry, this will not be a depressing post) despite all of the lows there are a few things that I'm so grateful for.  Things that I would venture to hell and back if needs be, in order to keep a part of my life.

The first thing that I am most grateful for this past year, is the continued and strengthened solidity of my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  As I've said many times previously, I KNOW that the gospel is true.  And at 10:00pm on December 31st after a seemingly endless year I still know that the gospel is true.  That has not changed.  And believe me this year did not come without some overwhelming temptations.  But what is constantly in the face of every temptation that has come my way is the truthfulness of the gospel.  It is always true...regardless of what may be going on in my life.  Just like the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west...regardless of whether cloud cover is so dense I can't see it.

I'm also very grateful for a God who keeps me humbled.  My head tends to grow very large fairly quickly and my Father is quickly forgotten.  So I'm grateful that my he knows that I need to "check myself before I wreck myself".  Though the moments of getting checked can be a bit painful, it tends to knock my priorities back into order and I see the world a bit more clearly.

I'm grateful that the gospel and my Father in Heaven are constant.  I know they will always be there.  There is nothing else in my life that is as constant.  Despite often wanting to choose another path, and at times, taking a few leaps and bounds down that other path, the gospel remains true and my Father remains with me...even when I wish he wouldn't.

And so, despite ending 2010 and what I would say is not my best foot, I have great hopes that 2011 and I are going to do a bang-up job of enduring.