"...but his hand is stretched out still."

Lately I've been struggling with my faith...not faith in the sense of my religious beliefs, but my faith in myself and also my faith in Heavenly Father and the Savior.  I don't doubt the existence of my Father or the Savior or the truthfulness of the gospel...no...I just have really been doubting my ability to succeed in life I guess is what it is.  Don't ask me what my standard is for success...I'm not really sure (which actually could be part of the problem...but I'll ponder that later).  I've just felt like my best is not as good as other people's bests or as good as it should be.  And I know that it is silly to compare...everyone's best is different...and what is my best one day might not be my best the next day.  I just feel like I can do better...physically (although I did enjoy a 20 mile bike ride yesterday), mentally, spiritually, emotionally...I've been in a funk, YES!  That is the word...funk.  I haven't been depressed...just "ho hum"...especially spiritually.  And having been in a spiritual funk before, I know the primary answers to getting out of it...pray, read scriptures, go to church, listen to conference...all good things to be sure.  But in my funk, I have really been struggling with those things.  Lacking faith in myself has proven to be a fairly tough road block to get around in order to do any of them.  But do not despair...this is not a tell of sadness.

Yesterday, while on my bike ride...actually, while sitting on a rock out at Saltair an older gentleman came by on his bike and said hello and we chatted about the perfect day it was for biking and how it felt so good.  He said,  "It really makes you feel alive."  He hit the nail on the head.  That is exactly what I felt.  I watched all these cars that had driven out there to look around and I thought, "how boring...I-80 is such a boring road out here.  A bike is WAY better."  (This is not to say that I'm ready to bike up Emigration canyon to Ruth's, but I did love it).  And as you may have read in the previous post, riding bikes was like being 13 again.  Well I guess that ride sparked something inside me...besides just some very sore body parts.  This morning I woke up at about 7:50am and realized that it was fast Sunday.  And for the first time in, I'll just say a while, I got on my knees and basically just told Heavenly Father that I really needed to "feel the fire again".  I acknowledged that my fast would not be all day, but I hoped that it was enough so that somehow I could feel that "alive" feeling I felt on my bike ride more powerfully.  I got up and got ready and off to church I went.  Scott gave Lyla a beautiful blessing and as the testimony meeting began the thought occurred to me that despite my lacking in spirituality, I do have a testimony and I can share it.  But it wasn't my ward and I feel awkward bearing my testimony in other people's wards.  But with about ten minutes left in the meeting, and Kerri joking that she would go up if I would, I finally said, "ok" and got up.  Which I think surprised Kerri.  It surprised me.  Usually when I bear my testimony I tend to feel an overwhelming push to do so.  Today...I didn't feel that...I don't think I could.  But I somehow knew that getting up was the right thing to do.  It was the answer I was looking for.  

And it was.  The second I got up I felt something again.  And when I got to the pulpit I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and the reassurance that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me I could barely get two words out.  I did manage.  I know he loves me because as I got to that pulpit I saw my family sitting in the congregation and if you know my family you know how awesome they are.  And I know that my family is an expression of the love my Father in Heaven has for me.  I also thought about the drive home from Cedar with my mom last weekend and Cannon Beach, and the north shore of Oahu and how I feel his presence and love overwhelmingly when I am in nature.  

As I sat down I thought about how I had felt so undeserving asking for that "fire" again and two scriptures came to my mind:

Matthew 14: 31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt? 

The second scripture wasn't a specific verse since the phrase is found in the Book of Mormon quite a few times and is the title of this post:

"...For all this his anger is not turned away, but his hand is stretched out still."

I was so blown away that a simple, short request that I had uttered only an hour or so previous was so immediately answered.  And so comforted by the fact that though I am not a "gold star member of primary" right now, his hand is stretched out still.  

It is funny, how a principle can be such a part of my life for the last 32 years and yet, I am amazed each time I see the principle illustrated in my life.  

I know that the "alive fiery feeling" is something that I am going to have to continue to work for, but knowing that it is there for me to feel, that is an amazing feeling and enough spark to keep me going.

(not)Sam(really)Brooke

As some of you may notice, my name has suddenly changed.  For those who have JUST started reading let me explain.

When I first started this blog it was not for anyone.  It was for me.  A place to let out frustration, thoughts, steam, excitement, questions, confusion, etc...about liking girls and being an active member of the LDS church.  But like most things in life, my blog has evolved and changed.  I still think I do those same things, but perhaps to a wider audience, and more than that...I have evolved and changed.  I am continuing to do so...I hope.  Anyway...for a long time revealing my identity was something I was not prepared to do.  At first, for my sake, then for the sake of those in my life...but the other day...I don't know what happened.  I suddenly changed my mind.  I didn't care anymore if anyone knew I fall somewhere between a 4 and 5 on the Kinsey scale.  I realize this may come as a shock to some people...if they find the blog.  But to most...to those who really know me, who I am closest to, who mean the most to me...they shouldn't be surprised...at least not about the fact that I prefer the ladies...perhaps some things I write will be surprising...or uncomfortable...but here is the deal...I am using my blog, not to convince anyone to choose any specific path, nor am I hear to judge the paths that others are taking...I am here, writing as a way to work out who I am, work out my salvation...so there you have it.

My name is Brooke Lee Russell.  I love the water. I love to travel the U.S. I love the ladies and 

I'm a Mormon.  

My End Goal

Yesterday I noticed the title of my blog...Enduring to the End...not that I don't always notice it or know what it is called...but as usual, I digress...anyway...I would like to make a few things clear.  These are thoughts I've been mulling over in the forefront and back of my mind the last while and my blog title...noticing it yesterday...has been a catalyst for an attempt to articulate the following...bear with me as I don't know that I've quite yet reached supreme articulation...this may be all over the place.


Often times homosexuality is compared, by members of the LDS faith, other faiths, people who believe it is a weakness...to an addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc...while I've accepted that comparison for conversation sake...it is never sat super well with me...it has sat more like a small primary child sitting in the teacher's chair and almost falling out the back...or the teacher sitting in the small chair meant for the child and never really being able to find a comfortable position.  The reason...I think...is twofold...or maybe morethantwofold...


a BIG FAT NUMBER ONE is that drug, alcohol, pornography...those addictions involve inanimate objects* as opposed to ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS.  I am not addicted to a person...I'm not addicted to a behavior...I'm ATTRACTED TO A HUMAN BEING.  Definitions below for your convenience...thoughts continued below those...


ad·dic·tion    noun uh-dik-shuhn
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics,to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.


at·trac·tion noun /əˈtrakSHən/
a force acting mutually between particles of matter, tending to draw them together, and resisting their separation;  to draw by appeal to natural or excited interest, emotion, or aesthetic sense


A person struggling with addiction is taught to avoid the substance/activity/etc...that they are addicted to.  If this was comparable then I should be avoiding girls, relationships with girls, looking at girls at all.  I am not trying to be dramatic here....I am trying to make a point.  Working out my sexual orientation within a paradigm of the gospel of Jesus Christ cannot be done by throwing it in a category with addiction.  While on the very, Very, VERY outside it may seem like that will work, it won't...not for me anyway.  Perhaps...for some it does...I know that I use to subscribe to that school of thought.  I don't anymore.  I'm not saying people are wrong for approaching things that way...I do think it is wrong to say they are the same...but if approaching your sexuality that way allows you to work for your end goal, then truly, more power to you.  That approach may have worked for me if my end goal was to find a man and get married in the temple.  And while I know that is what needs to happen for my course of eternal salvation to continue into the eternities (is there actually more than one?) it does not have to happen right now.  


Frankly, I don't want it to.  I agree with Justin and feel that it is "good how it is".  I haven't always felt that way...and perhaps in this life I won't always feel that way.  But I do right now.  I don't want to worry about finding a nice man to settle down and raise a family with.  I don't want to worry about suppressing or getting rid of the feelings I have for the women of the world.  I know it causes me frustration at times, and some sadness and some loneliness and hurt and anger...but it has brought me some of the greatest relationships of my life, some of the most joyful and happy moments of my life.  It has taught me invaluable lessons and shaped me into who I am and who I continue to become...I will NOT give any of that up to get rid of the negative.  I.  Will.  Not. 


Besides, I have plenty of faults that I need to work on, plenty of temple attending I need to do, plenty of scripture reading, plenty of word of wisdom keeping, plenty of living my life working to be closer to the spirit...why try and change something that doesn't need to change.  If my attraction where a hinderance to any of those things I am working on previously mentioned...then I think perhaps my end goal would be to suppress the feelings...but it is not a hinderance.  


I genuinely believe, truly...that it will work it self out.  I will keep trying to live my life the best I can...between me and Heavenly Father...and I know if I do that things will work out...I have it on good authority that is true:

"Things will work out. Keep trying. Be believing. Don't get discouraged. Things will work out."          Gordon B Hinckley

I have no plans to begin dating women or to leave the church or the gospel behind.  But I also have no plans to make an effort to date men.  I DO have plans to continue to be the social girl that I am.  And if a fella' does want to ask me out, if he is interesting, fun, funny, engaging...I will say yes.  I like engaging, kind, funny people.  That is who I want to spend my time with.  And if a cute girl passes my way and we click and I feel my attraction going beyond the boundaries of friendship, I will remind myself where my boundaries are and build a fantastic friendship with her.  And whether they (my girl friends) know it or not, most of our friendships started that way for me :)  That attraction has been a blessing.  I am the friend that I am in large part because of what comes with being attracted to girls...along with all the other fantastically charming aspects of my personality.  I am like a breath of fresh air and a ray of sunshine!  And my goal is to continue to be just that.




*(I would like to clarify that I am not in anyway whatsoever meaning to belittle any person's struggle with any addiction.  While I myself do not struggle with one, I do have friends who do and I have seen small glimpses of the pain and suffering...and also great triumph :)...that comes...so I am not saying my life is worse/better/easier...just different) 

a dichotomy to be sure...? part II

In thinking more about what I wrote yesterday...or in the wee small hours of this morning...I realize that my thoughts may have been a bit jumbled...it was pretty late...cut me some slack...or perhaps I should learn not to post when I can't think straight...ha ha...no pun intended...funny how that word "straight" has come to mean so much more than just extending in one direction with no curve...but I digress...in light of the lateness of my hour of writing, I am going to attempt to perhaps get my thoughts in a better order and perhaps add a couple more.  And P.S.  this is a selfish post because it is more or less so that I can get my thought ducks in a row.

As I mentioned in the previous post...I do not think the doctrine of the gospel will change.  I do not think there will come a day when I will be able to be sealed to a woman in the temple.  But I do think it is possible for the subject of homosexuality will not be so taboo...that a member of the church, an active member of the church being gay will not be grounds for gossip and whispers.  Keeping my sexual preference a secret from the masses is exhausting.  It is wonderful that so many friends and family know...but in conversations with people I'm meeting for the first time I do have to watch what I say at times.  And in conversations with some family and friends it is still an uncomfortable topic.  It is in this respect that I do hope the constraints of the separation of homosexuality and my religion begin to blur and fade away.

I've chosen to not date women.  I've chosen instead to live a life that allows me to hold a temple recommend.  This is where I suppose I will take back a bit about what I said about no dichotomy existing...it does exist.  Because if I do want to be in a committed relationship with a woman, I will not be able to hold a temple recommend.  It will always be one or the other...one will ALWAYS have to give.  And while I can be open about liking girls and being an active member of the LDS church...I can only live one of those aspects of my life to a fullness.  But I do truly hope and (want) to believe that I can somehow live my life without some much exhaustion because of these conflicting aspects.

Perhaps this has cleared up any confusion from my previous post.  It has for me :)

a dichotomy to be sure...?

I like girls.  I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  A dichotomy if there ever was one.  

While I realize that the standards of the gospel of Jesus Christ do not allow for a relationship of my preference, I don't know that I feel like these two (of many) parts of me are not overlapping.  I've liked girls for, I would say, pretty much my entire life.  I have been a member of the LDS church for my entire life.  And while it was not until college that I seriously began to wrap my head around my attraction to the wonderful world of females and had a relationship with a wonderful girl :)... it was something that I really did struggle with when I was about 13...and yet it did not hinder my faith or participation in the gospel.  I will concede that for many of those years...between the ages of 13 and 20...my choice to be active and not pursue the ladies was motivated in part by fear, by not having a frame of reference for the feelings I was having, and because being gay is wrong and I "chose the right" (perhaps not always by my own self-actualized choice, but by social pressure).  But now I DO have a frame of reference for my feelings, I am NOT afraid and my choices in life are motivated by what I have come to know for MYSELF and NOT by any sort of pressure that I feel.  And with all of that...I still VERY MUCH love the ladies.  And I still VERY MUCH love the gospel.  And I VERY MUCH believe that those two things don't have to change in order for me to have a happy and fulfilled life.  I don't think I necessarily have to choose one or the other...in fact...I don't believe that is even an option...to choose one or the other I mean.  Both my faith and attraction are "done deals" so to speak.  

Now, none of this is to say that I am going to have a serious girlfriend and still attend the temple...I don't believe that doctrine will ever change.  I guess what I am saying...is that I don't think anything is wrong with me because I am attracted to girls...I don't think that I have to try and find a wonderful man to take me to the temple...I don't think I have to keep my sexual orientation a secret from the masses*. 

So though these two aspects of my life, dogmatically, do not overlap, I don't think it means they can't exist in peace and harmony.  I don't think that I should always be living my life in such exhaustion because of the conflict.  

But what do I know?

*(Though that is not to say I feel the need to come out over the pulpit in a meeting.  Maybe someday I will feel that way, but now...now I am content to be who I am, to be open when the situation or conversation ends up there...but I don't need a t-shirt or a bumper sticker.  Because why would I?  My sexual orientation is not my defining characteristic.  There is so much more to me than who I want to be kissing.  So just like what I do to make a living, or details about my family...my sexual orientation can be discussed if the conversation calls for it or if people find this blog, etc...)

It's been a rough while

I haven't posted in just over six months.  I haven't forgotten about my blog...I've just...it's been a rough while.  I've missed posting...I've had things to say that I knew would be worth sharing on the blog...I just haven't managed to put pen to paper so to speak.  But the other day someone left a comment on one of my more "recent" posts and it reminded me that I do indeed love getting my thoughts out on "paper" regardless of whether or not anyone is reading.  So, I'm back...and hopefully it won't be another six months.

Last night I have the privilege of seeing a production of Little Happy Secrets at Salt Lake Acting Company (SLAC).  It was as wonderful as I thought it would be.  I've heard an audio recording of the play with each characters part read by an actor (It is a free podcast download on iTunes, just fyi.) but I had never seen it.  The second I knew it was being produced in Salt Lake I jumped at the chance to go and immediately purchased two tickets.  

Cy ended up coming with me.  I had to be a bit choosy about who I invited...at least that is what I thought.  After watching it I wished that I'd somehow convinced all of my family to attend.  It really was like watching my life play out on stage in front of a bunch of strangers.  I wanted so badly to know what people thought...not just about the job that actors did, but about the choices that Claire (the main character) makes. 

A brief synopsis, Claire is a BYU student, a returned missionaries and an active member of the LDS church.  She comes back from her mission and is once again roommates with her best friend Brennan who has also returned from her mission.  Over the course of the store Claire deals with her growing feelings for Brennan while Brennan is dating Carter.  

What I love so much about this show is that it isn't about sensationalism...it is simply about Claire's struggling between life and the gospel that she loves...sounds so familiar :)  

Seeing the show reminded me of the path I've chosen...why I've chosen it.  I've been struggling so much lately...with my choice to live the gospel and not date girls...not that I doubt my decision is right...I just don't want to choose it.  But how can I choose something else and I already know what is true...I'm not saying that I feel like my agency has been taken away...and it isn't as if I don't make wrong choices all the time...but for some reason...with this decision...it just seems so silly to choose anything else when I already know what is true.  Lots of times I wish I didn't really feel the truthfulness with such conviction.  I know it is a blessing and probably blasphemous of me to wish that...but I do.  If such was the case I might be able to date the person I want to date.  But I do know what is true...deep down in my soul I know what is true.  And so with that, I will continue to choose the gospel path...albeit grudgingly at times.  (hey...I'm not perfect)

"I did make it home.  How?  I'll say divine intervention; and you'll likely smile at that.  But it's what I know." ~Little Happy Secrets

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
— Carl Jung


The post below is actually my comments to a post I read here.  I think the last paragraph goes alone well with my quote for today.  And the first two are just thoughts of mine.


I wonder about gender all the time. I feel like a girl. I'm happy being a girl. And I'm attracted to girls...on all levels...physical, emotional and spiritual. (and I would add that I 100% believe gender was established before we came here).  Being attracted to women seems such a part of who I am...not just a physical part, but a spiritual part as well. And I have to wonder is it isn't part of Heavenly Father's plan, then why does the attraction go beyond physicality? 

I also wonder why it feels so right, as in "ctr" right, to be with a girl? I've done a lot of things that are contrary to the teachings of the gospel, and truthfully, I've felt in the back of my mind that they were wrong. But when it came to being with my ex girlfriend...it never felt wrong. I felt guilty because I knew in my head that it was wrong...but I couldn't feel it in my heart. Why not?

And one more thing...then I'll stop...as far as the role of attraction...I think "men are that they might have joy" I find great joy in meeting a girl that I'm attracted to and that I connect with...despite the fact that friendship is as far as it will go. There is still so much joy found in that attraction. And when I meet a great guy...though the physical or emotional attraction may not be there (because sometimes the spiritual is) I find great joy in those relationships as well. Perhaps we would be a lot more selfish and introverted were it not for the attraction that we felt for people...emotional, physical, spiritual, intellectual, etc...

February=Love: the 16th

Just to forewarn you...this post is sort of all over the place.  With that...enjoy.

Today a college friend died.  He was a very friendly and out going guy.  I do not recall a time when he wasn't smiling or laughing.  I loved watching him in the campus drag show each year.  What I appreciated the most about him was his respect for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  He was a member...but he choose a different path to walk down.  I never once heard him speak ill of the church.  It was a great lesson that he taught me...without even knowing it, I would imagine.

Just because the path that you are traveling down is very different than the gospel path...there is not need or a place for disrespect.  Nor is there a need or a place for disrespect to those who do not travel down the gospel path.

Right now, the gospel path is the one that I'm on...not without some frustration and some heartache...and a LOT of questions for my Father.  But I what love so much is that the people in my life are supportive.  Whether they are members of the LDS church, or non members or anything in between...for the most part...neither side pushes me.  Both share their opinions but I've never felt pressured into a decision that I've made.

There is rarely a day when I do not feel solid in my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ...but there are days when I have so many questions for my Father.  When I wish I could just walk with him and ask him about gender and attraction and sexuality and why I don't have gills so I can swim under water (cause I'd really love to be able to do that).

But despite all the questions and the heartache...I'm not unhappy.  I know that I'm so blessed.  I know my Father in Heaven is aware of me.  And I know in moments of deep frustration and acute heartache the atonement of my Savior can alleviate some of the burden...I guess all of it, actually...but I've never felt all of it lifted...not sure if that is a result of a lack of faith on my part...or a part of the plan. Something to consider and discuss with my Father in pray...the only way I can...for now...someday...he and I are going to have to find an endless beach to walk on...because I have endless questions. Good thing that we have eternity.

February=Love: the 13th

I know, I know...I am missing a few days.  But I didn't PROMISE I would write everyday, just that I would try.

"Treat the other man's faith gently; it is all he has to believe with.  His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine"

~Henry S Haskins

I use to wonder if people would think I was crazy....well people do think I am a little crazy...but specifically I would wonder if they thought it was ridiculous that I would strive to live my life in a way that would prohibit me from having an intimate relationship with a girl. I mean, really? Why deny myself something that is so fulfilling?  Why go through life as just Mario...with no Luigi?  No peas to my carrots?  No yin to my yang?  No pork chops for my apple sauce? No (insert euphemism of your choice)?  

Well I've since discovered that some people do indeed think that I am crazy for trying to be celibate and live the gospel of Jesus Christ...denying myself a fulfilling and emotionally, spiritually and physically intimate relationship.  You might think these are people who are not members of the LDS faith.  And some of them are...but there are, surprisingly, a fair amount of people who think I am crazy (for this reason) who are of my faith.  It is not that they don't believe the gospel of Jesus Christ isn't true...I'm actually not entirely sure what their reasons are.

And truly, I can understand the disbelief, the exasperation, the disappointment, the irritation, the confusion, the (insert adjective of choice).  To be perfectly honest...I often want to say to other members who struggle with same gender attraction..."do what you need to do".  In fact, I have done that.  Here is why.

As the quote above states, "His mind was created for his own thoughts, not yours or mine"  I feel that way.  I don't often know what has gone on in another person's life, let alone their head, to bring them to the point they're at...emotionally and spiritually.  I've come to realize in the last five or so years how personal the gospel of Jesus Christ really is.  In this life it is between us (as in yourself or myself) and God.  (Which is my succinct way of saying myself, God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost).

So while I will not tell someone how to live their life (except maybe if I have kids...jokes!)  I will do my best to live my life in the best way that I can, so that I might be an example to those around me.  And sometimes I do think we need to call our friends on their crap...because I know I need my friends to call me on mine sometimes.  But let us strive to do so in a loving way...the way that the Savior would.  

I wrote this  and this a while back and I feel like both are completely applicable to this post.  I would hope that although I may make a choice for my life that those around me do not understand, whether it is going down the gospel path, or the path that leads to pork chops for my applesauce, they will not be so harsh to the point that my faith is being torn apart.  For it is one of the few things in this life that is truly my own, that I have worked so hard to gain.  I do my best to always be respectful of what other's believe...and why they believe what they believe.  But respect does not mean I have to change my beliefs or outlook or put my faith into something else.  It means that I listen to them, possibly share my own feelings and beliefs, and then go about my business having a better understanding of that person which hopefully leads to a more Christ-like love.

February=Love: the 11th

I know, I know...I skipped the 10th.  I'm sorry.  I'll try to make it up at some point this month...but for now I'm in the present and the present is the 11th.

I recently came across this quote:

It's choice --- not chance --- that determines your destiny.

- Jean Nidetch

Though I imagine Ms. Nidetch was referring more to our weight and physical health..  And of course it applies...but even beyond that...it is what I believe...what I fought hard to have in this life...choice...the ability to choose for myself.  That is not to say that certain things aren't in my DNA, physically and spiritually speaking.  I mean we existed before we came here...we had personalities...probably pretty similar to who we are now...minus the changes that have come from our experiences.  But despite any predisposition, any environment, any experience...we always retain the power that trumps all of those things...our agency...our ability and privilege to make our choices...for good or not so good.  I mean my spiritual DNA could have included some coding that makes me a kind person...but I can still choose to be an ass.  I'm not saying that is the case for me...just illustrating my point.  I like girls.  My preference would be to date girls.  That attraction has to come from somewhere inside me...I didn't make it up...that I did NOT choose.  But what I do with that attraction...that IS my choice.

And I like that.  I would hate it if my life decisions were all made for me.  I often joke about wanting to hire someone to make my decisions for me, but honestly, I don't want that.  I really do value my agency.  I know that I haven't always made the right decisions.  In fact sometimes I think I've made more wrong decisions than I have right ones...and yet I still manage to get to where I need to be...but regardless...I'm so grateful that I'm the one who has made the choices.  And I'm grateful for the sacrifices that have been made, so that I could have that choice. A third of Heavenly Father's children were lost in a battle for this choice.  His only begotten Son suffered beyond description so that despite making poor choices, there would still be a chance for me to be exalted.  Not too mention the fact that my decisions, whether I like it or not, can affect those around me.

I hope that I can keep these things at the forefront of my mind. In typing this the weight of the significance of my agency sort of fell on me.  I hope rather than being crushed under that weight, I'm able to gain the strength to carry it with my good, better and best decisions.  

February=Love

So it is February in Utah.  A lot of people do not like February in Utah.  It is the homestretch of the winter and it can be pretty dreary and often fairly cold.  I happen to not hate February.  For multiple reasons.  And so, this month I'm going to go the extra mile to bring a  little more joy to this dreary month.  And if it isn't dreary where you are perhaps these posts may just brighten your day. 


So I should have started this on the first of February and now I am ten days behind.  So I will make up for ten days now and will promise (to do my best) to make a new post each day for the rest of the month.


Below are ten quotes (one for each day of February so far) from tv shows, movies, books, or plays that I have found significant and pertaining gospel truths.  Following my first quote is my reason for using these quotes and how I came up with this idea.

February 9th:

"When the right time comes 

and you're in the right place, 

it helps if you're doing the right thing."

A great thought, no?  I'm fairly certain I've heard Elder Oaks make a similar statement.  In fact I know that he has...I have it written on the cover of one of my journals. (and if my journal was not boxed up with the rest of my life and I would quote it here for you)  

It's been there for years.  

Interestingly enough, this quote was from a tv show on the CW called Hellcats. (we can talk later about the fact that I watch Hellcats) Yep, folks, the fictional head coach of a fictional collegiate cheer leading squad actually has something worthwhile to say.  That is NOT to say that watching Hellcats is a valuable way to spend my time, but what struck me last night was that I often find great life lessons on tv.  I wondered why.  And today this is what I came up with...

truth is truth where ever it is found and it will find a way to make it's way into the world by any means it can.  This does not at all lessen the importance of the scriptures, or attending church, the temple or General Conference.  In fact, we NEED those things along with the Holy Ghost to not only learn the truth, but understand it for ourselves as well.

But God, he is thinking globally...no...universally...infinitely universally...or something incomprehensible like that.  He loves us.  Each and every one of us.  I know that is true.  And He wants, more than anything, to see all of us return to him...and because of that, it is not difficult for me to believe that he will employee all means to get the truth to us.  Now this is doctrine by (not)Sam...so take it for what you will.  Perhaps I'm completely wrong and there is nothing redeeming about Hellcats.  And perhaps, for me there isn't anything redeeming about it.  I mean, we're judged based on the light and knowledge that we have and I have considerable light and knowledge when it comes to the gospel.  In that case, I think that my Father in Heaven probably expects me to gain truth and increase my understanding of truth through other means, not through tv shows on the CW.  But then again, he knows me.  So perhaps those gems of life lessons pop up from time to time so that I can remember what is good, better and best and back back to striving for the best.

With all of that being said, here are a handful of some of my most favorite lines from tv shows, movies, plays or books that I've found excellent gospel lessons in.

February 8th:

I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure our goodness by what we embrace, what we create and who we include.

-Pere Henri from Chocolat

This one is probably familiar since it was the subject of my last post.  So to hear my musings about it, click here.

February 7th:

"Tragedy blows through your life like a tornado, uprooting everything. Creating chaos. You wait for the dust to settle and then you choose. You can live in the wreckage and pretend it's still the mansion you remember. Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild."

 Veronica Mars from Veronica Mars

I watched the episode containing this line a month or so after my dad told my mom he wanted a divorce.  I thought immediately of my mom and how this is exactly what she is doing.  And then I thought of things in my life that I might consider tragic and how rebuilding is NOT always what I am doing.  As much as I don't want to admit, I find myself, more often than not, living in the shambles of what was once a mansion.  A condemned building is not a safe place to be.  No good comes from trying to ignore gaping holes in on the second floor or on the stairs.  Not having a roof does not provide a whole lot of protection from the elements.  So not only do I get pelted by rain and sleet, but the weather adds more wear and tear to an already falling apart house.  So I'm working on taking a cue from my mother (that is almost always a brilliant idea because she is a brilliant lady) and getting to work on some new plans for a new mansion.

February 6th:

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have." ~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

Ah...good old Grey's Anatomy.  Many a hidden gems in that show.  I like it some of the time.  I haven't watched it as regularly lately, but I've gleaned quite a few gems from Grey's.  I remember hearing this one...couldn't tell you what season or episode it was from...but I laughed to myself...actually chuckled out loud.  I had recently spoken to Aly on the phone and was feeling so, so torn about which path to choose.  Do I date girls and turn my back on the truth of the gospel? Or do I give up on having a relationship and follow the path that leads to eternal salvation?  This line wasn't any great or mind blowing revelation...but somehow I did find comfort in the fact that the world (in this case being represented by Grey's Anatomy) understood sacrifice.  Surprising in a world that is very much rooted in immediate satisfaction.  I also thought about wants and desire.  I realized that though I might want a emotionally, physically and spiritually intimate relationship with a girl...it would not bring me true, pure and lasting happiness.  Imperfect as I am, my desires are influenced by my natural man.  A lot, or a little.  It really depends on where I am in relation to my Father and the Holy Ghost and the Savior.  What I NEED to do is get my wants to be the wants that my Father has for me...so that what I most want IS some that I CAN have.

February 5th:

"He is afraid for you.  So he hovers.  Other people might lock you in a cell overnight to be urinated on by a meth head, but it all comes from the same place."

~Derrick Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy

I know, I know...another one...stop reading now if it bothers you because there are going to be more.  Recently a friend of mine, a couple of them actually, said some very harsh, but true, things to me.  I didn't get upset.  They were right.  And beyond being right, they said the things they said because they care about me.  I'm immensely grateful that I have friends who do not "spare the rod and spoil the child".  My friend Kim (yes, her real name) loved the line "drink life straight, no chaser."  They're lyrics from a Bush song.  I never forgotten those lyrics and I've tried my best, though not always with success, to be honest and straight forward with my friends.  But I've also tried very hard to make sure that if what I say could be hurtful, they know that it comes from a place of love.  I mean, really, do you want your husband driving one hundred miles per hour through the streets of Seattle?  If he hits a telephone pole he is toast. (a Grey's reference).  We do not want that for our husbands, wives, children, friends...any of our loved ones.  So we do what we have to do...and not only that, but we do what we can...and sometimes there are limits.  But I think we always have to try.  Were it not for my friends and family who tell it to me straight...I may be blogging about a recent cruise my girlfriend and I took.  Instead...I'm blogging (mostly for my sake) about ALL the things in life that I find support, motivation and comfort from.

February 4th:

"Isn't it better to be alone and feel like a success, than to be in a relationship and feel like a failure all the time?"

~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

I think the line speaks for itself.  My mom actually said this to me almost verbatim a few years prior to Grey's Anatomy being on tv.  And since my mom said it, I KNOW it must be true! :)

February 3rd:

"--I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand.  It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.

You rarely win, but sometimes you do." 

~Atticus Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird 

I tear up every time I read this section of the book and especially when Atticus says this to Jem.  I wake up some mornings wonder what the point of resisting such an intense desire (the desire to have a companion, coupled with my attraction to girls).  I honestly have days, a lot of days, where despite what I might say, I don't really know that I'll be able to choose the gospel for the rest of my mortal life.  I feel so weak and defeated...all while still lying in the comfort of my bed.  But I remember Harper Lee's words (in the soothing tones of Gregory Peck's voice) and I decide that being in the battle and never giving up is what matters.  I'm fighting for right.  

February 2nd:

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." ~Douglas Adams

While I am definitely still on the road and not near my final destination, I do like to stop and take a look around every once in while.  Often times as I am looking back over the course I've taken, I think, "Yeah...that is so not how I thought it would be."  Yet I'm not disappointed and I don't think I would be anywhere else other than right where I am.  Because despite the path and despite the speed, for the most part, I've always been heading towards my Father in Heaven and all that he has in store for me.  And as we know, that is what matters.

And last (for this post) but certainly not least...

one final thought from Grey's Anatomy

February 1st:

"Did you say it?  'I love you.  I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it.  But every now and then look around, drink it in cause this it it.  It might all be gone tomorrow."

~Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy

Valentine's day is four days away.  It doesn't just have to be about a romantic significant other.  Let it be about everyone that you love.  Make sure that they know you love them.  That they did change your life and that you don't ever want to live without them.  I hope more than anything that my friends and family know that.