Enduring to the End...of 2010

Well...another year is upon us.  As I happily say goodbye to 2010 and look to 2011 to not let me down, I think about the title of my blog and how I have endured this last year.

It has not been the easiest year...for many reasons.  And I have not always endured as well as I would have liked.  I have had some low lows this year.  Not my lowest of lows...but low.  I have felt sorrow and disappointment in myself and others.  I have felt regret (see previous post).  I have been angrier than I think I ever have been in my life.  Angry with my Father in Heaven.  Angry with my family. Angry with my friends. Angry with myself.

However (don't worry, this will not be a depressing post) despite all of the lows there are a few things that I'm so grateful for.  Things that I would venture to hell and back if needs be, in order to keep a part of my life.

The first thing that I am most grateful for this past year, is the continued and strengthened solidity of my testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  As I've said many times previously, I KNOW that the gospel is true.  And at 10:00pm on December 31st after a seemingly endless year I still know that the gospel is true.  That has not changed.  And believe me this year did not come without some overwhelming temptations.  But what is constantly in the face of every temptation that has come my way is the truthfulness of the gospel.  It is always true...regardless of what may be going on in my life.  Just like the sun will always rise in the east and set in the west...regardless of whether cloud cover is so dense I can't see it.

I'm also very grateful for a God who keeps me humbled.  My head tends to grow very large fairly quickly and my Father is quickly forgotten.  So I'm grateful that my he knows that I need to "check myself before I wreck myself".  Though the moments of getting checked can be a bit painful, it tends to knock my priorities back into order and I see the world a bit more clearly.

I'm grateful that the gospel and my Father in Heaven are constant.  I know they will always be there.  There is nothing else in my life that is as constant.  Despite often wanting to choose another path, and at times, taking a few leaps and bounds down that other path, the gospel remains true and my Father remains with me...even when I wish he wouldn't.

And so, despite ending 2010 and what I would say is not my best foot, I have great hopes that 2011 and I are going to do a bang-up job of enduring.

Regret?

Is it possible...is that the word I'm looking for?  I don't know...perhaps I should explain the scenario and then you can tell me what the right word is.

Once upon a time I made a decision.  It was a very painful decision.  It was also the right decision.  But so often I regret making that right decision.  Is that right? Is that possible?  Can you actually regret a decision that was right?  Perhaps "regret" is the wrong word?  But I know, unfortunately, what regret feels like...and this is regret.  As I said...I don't constantly feel regret for my decision...but it is there...often.

Does this mean that I don't really have a desire to be a good person?  Does this mean that I'd rather make wrong decisions in my life to satisfy my immediate desires for happiness?  I think we all want that sometimes...more than sometimes...speaking for myself of course.  Instant gratification, well, I don't think I would call it instant...perhaps..."not eternal" gratification is what I often desire.

So what do I do with this regret?  I feel it and then move on and hope it goes away.  And have faith that there will be a day that I will rejoice in the right decision that I made.  I will know without any doubt whatsoever that it was the right decision and I will feel how right it was and regret will be something of which I will have zero concept.

2011

"People only see what is visible, measurable. God sees into the heart. He not only forgives our failures, He sees successes where no one else does - not even ourselves. Only God can give us credit for the angry words we did not speak, the temptations we resisted, the patience and gentleness little noticed and long forgotten by those around us. Just being human gives us value in His eyes, and trying to live with integrity makes us successful before Him. God redeems us from the sense and fear of failure because He sees us as no human eyes can see us. Some religions teach that God sees so clearly that He knows all our shameful thoughts and nasty secrets. I prefer to believe that God sees us so clearly that He knows better than anyone else our wounds and sorrows, the scars on our hearts from having wanted to do more and do better, and being told by the world that we never would."

 ~Rabbi Harold Kushner

I hope I can learn to see better those around me. 

"Direction is initially more important than speed." - Neal A. Maxell

I've always been a "saunterer"  When I was in college my roommates would tease me and tell me to leave a few minutes before them when we walked to class because they knew they would catch up with me...and joke or no joke...it was true...they always caught up to me.  I guess I could lengthen my stride...but it feels awkward.  I walk at a pace that fits me...I always have...and I imagine I always will.  And despite my somewhat slower pace...I still manage to get to where I need to go

And so it is with my life...I don't seem to do things in the "right" order or in the way that will lead me to "success".  But whose definitions of right and success am I supposed to live by?  Well that is for me and God to figure out.  Not anyone else.  How fast I get to where ever it is I'm going...it is in my Father's time...but as long as I'm heading that way...I'm golden.  Some days my best is like an Olympic marathon runner...and some days...well...it is more like limp across a desert...while I'm thirsty and exhausted. But such is life...we just keep going...no matter what...however fast or slow.

sorry mom

the title of the post is a reference to the fact that my mother has a strong distaste for the word I'm about to use.

Do you ever have those days where you think, or even say out loud, "my life sucks". well I don't really ever have those days...how could I? There are way too many things in my life to be thankful for. It would be so selfish of me to say that. But while I may not feel like my life sucks...I definitely suck at life. I can't seem to make anything worthwhile out of the great things that I do have in my life.

If my life were a Super Mario Brothers game I would definitely be out of lives.  Reset button anyone?

I don't mean to throw a pity party or splurge on the self deprecation...it is really just the way I've been feeling this week.  And there are definitely some ignitors for these feelings...but I don't think it matters how this downward spiral started...I need to figure out how to pull myself out.  I can't suddenly make something awesome and spectacular of my life...but I know I can make it to the first castle and get 50,000 or is it 5,000...points from the flag pole at the end of this level...saving the princess and defeating the dragon might have to be another day...but I know I can at least start making my way through two dimensional piranha infested waters...or perhaps I could just skip level two and move right on to man-eating plants popping out of sewer pipes...regardless...I just need one box...with one coin...that would be enough right now. I would feel as if I actually accomplished something and that I wasn't so sucktastic.

what I wish...

‎"...you'll find that being a friend is to like a person for who they are, even the parts you don't understand. The reasons you like them make the things you don't understand unimportant. You don't have to understand, or do the same, or live their lives for them. If you truly care for them, then you want them to be who they are; that was why you liked them in the first place." Terry Goodkind

What I wish is that I always lived my life by those words...that we all could.  I get we want the best for everyone in our lives...but who am I to say what it is that someone needs in their life? And who is anyone else to tell me what equals success or happiness? My life is between me and God.

Even Walls Fall Down...just not sure when that will happen...

Some days are diamonds-Some days are rocks-Some doors are open-Some roads are blocked

It's there.  As solid as ever.  I know it will fall down.  I'm just not sure when.

Winter Winds

 In general conference last month Elder Dieter F Uchtdorf which is entitled "Of Things that Matter Most"  I'm not going to talk about the things that matter most.

In started his talk by pointing out how much we can learn about life through nature.  Interesting considering just previous to general conference I wrote a post on that exact subject.  He used an example of how a tree grows saying: "...during seasons when growing conditions are not ideal, trees slow down their growth and devote their energy to the basic elements necessary for survival."

That is how I feel right now...like I'm simply in survival mode.  Recent events beyond my control yet having a direct affect on me have persuaded me into survival mode (and are the cause for a lack of blogging).  It is frustrating to say the least...since I'd been on such a high about so many things lately.  I'd been feeling so much peace in my life.  More than I had felt in such a long time.  And now...I...I'm not actually sure how I feel.  I know there is anger involved...some guilt...sadness....more anger...confusion....???  With all of that swirling around I find myself shutting down.  When I stop to think about events my brain sort of goes blank.  I can't really think about anything specific.  There are moments that I do try to process things but mainly...I just kind of feel blank about the whole thing.  And perhaps that is myself trying to control my anger...because maybe my anger is more than I realize.  Or perhaps I just still haven't really wrapped my head around everything.

Needless to say, as the winter approaches I feel myself going into survival mode.  Working all day.  Looking for books to get lost in.  Making a list of great movies to curl up on the coach with.  Attempts at new baked goods.  Falling asleep with a movie playing so that I can't think about anything.  This is perhaps not the healthiest of behaviors...but it is what I need to do to survive.  And the fact that I feel myself moving into this survival mode frustrates me.  I don't want to give this event any power over my life...especially not when I finally was beginning to feel like I had found such peace.  ARG!

What does give me hope is my amazing family.  And the fact that winter does end...spring will come again.

"Remember spring swallows snow for leaves. You'll be happy and wholesome again..."

a measure of me

Many in this world are afraid and angry with one another. While we understand these feelings, we need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interactions. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies. The vast majority of our members heed this counsel. Yet there are some who feel that venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important than conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior. It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable. Violence and vandalism are not the answer to our disagreements. If we show love and respect even in adverse circumstances, we become more like Christ.  ~Quentin L Cook

"...how we disagree is a real measure of who we are..."

I've been thinking about this quite a bit the last couple weeks... how I treat those with whom I disagree.  I hope that it is with respect and dignity.  I hope that when I disagree it is never accompanied with belittling.  I know that has not always been the case...  

Imagine if you will, two girls. Standing across from each other in a kitchen.  These two girls...we will call them Sam and Alyson... were once in a loving relationship.  At the time of our scene Alyson is in a relationship...Sam is not.  The girls are discussing the definition of marriage and propositions to define marriage on a state and federal level.  The conversation is awkward and uncomfortable...Sam, not wanting to upset the girl she is still very much in love with and Alyson so angry at what she feels is Sam's "holier than thou" self righteous attitude.  (Ok so I'm not exactly sure what Alyson felt...but I think it is a very good assumption...since, let's be honest...I am Sam in this story and that was pretty much my attitude at the time).  As the conversation becomes more heated Sam begins to lose her cool and finally blurts out "marriage is between a man and a woman and is ordained of God".  This truth flew out of my mouth in tone not at all fitting the sanctity of it.  I'd never seen my words have a physical affect on someone until this point. I remember wishing so desperately that I could take back what I had just said.  But I couldn't.  Because it was what I believed...what I do believe.  But the pain I saw on Alyson's face...I've never forgotten that.

Fast forward seven years to last Saturday...and imagine the same two girls sitting across the table from one another in a restaurant having a similar discussion.  At present Alyson is STILL in that same relationship (having married her girlfriend in Canada five years prior) and Sam...well...Sam is...if I'm being honest...probably still a little bit in love with Alyson.  As these two girls sit across from one another and discuss the recent "fire" that has started once again over the definition of marriage the conversation has a much different tone than it did seven years ago.  This time the two girls both share their opinions, just as before...and yet this time...there is only respect...the kind of respect that accompanies a deep and abiding friendship.  

Aly and I still disagree...but I listen to her and I feel her pain...I really do.  Partly because there is a fine line between her and I.  With minimal effort I could be on her side of the line...not with her in a relationship...but in a relationship with a girl.  Because of that...because of the greater understanding I have of myself...I don't entirely disagree with what she is saying...but marriage is between one man and one woman...and I can't change that truth.  I wish so badly that the truth did not affect Aly's life.  I wish there was a way for all of us to be happy, to get what we want.  But as I mentioned in previous posts...neither side of this argument will ever agree with the other and neither will stop standing up for what they believe.  And somehow...in arriving at that realization, I'm able to listen to Alyson...to anyone who shares her same opinion and not get upset.  I see Aly the way I saw her the first time I met her...as the beautiful and kind girl that she is.  We don't agree with one another...(and maybe Aly laughs at me when she walks away and thinks I'm naive...I don't believe it...but maybe)...but we do respect one another and we love one another...the way that mankind should love one another (just to clarify).  

I don't know if this is what Elder Cook meant in his talk...but I can see the huge difference in myself since that horrible conversation seven years ago.  I feel like I've grown.  Become a little  kinder?  Perhaps a bit more charitable?  A bit more Christ-like?  I know I'm not perfect...and there are moments and people that I struggle to share this Christ-like love with...but I am trying.  When I am "measured"  I want the measurement to be a good one.  I want that measurement to show that I have grown closer to becoming more like my Savior...more like the Sam he knows I can be.

Yes

In case you don't want to watch the video:

My name is Michael Otterson. I am here representing the leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints to address the matter of the petition presented today by the Human Rights Campaign.


While we disagree with the Human Rights Campaign on many fundamentals, we also share some common ground. This past week we have all witnessed tragic deaths across the country as a result of bullying or intimidation of gay young men. We join our voice with others in unreserved condemnation of acts of cruelty or attempts to belittle or mock any group or individual that is different – whether those differences arise from race, religion, mental challenges, social status, sexual orientation or for any other reason. Such actions simply have no place in our society.


This Church has felt the bitter sting of persecution and marginalization early in our history, when we were too few in numbers to adequately protect ourselves and when society’s leaders often seemed disinclined to help. Our parents, young adults, teens and children should therefore, of all people, be especially sensitive to the vulnerable in society and be willing to speak out against bullying or intimidation whenever it occurs, including unkindness toward those who are attracted to others of the same sex. This is particularly so in our own Latter-day Saint congregations. Each Latter-day Saint family and individual should carefully consider whether their attitudes and actions toward others properly reflect Jesus Christ’s second great commandment - to love one another.


As a church, our doctrinal position is clear: any sexual activity outside of marriage is wrong, and we define marriage as between a man and a woman. However, that should never, ever be used as justification for unkindness. Jesus Christ, whom we follow, was clear in His condemnation of sexual immorality, but never cruel. His interest was always to lift the individual, never to tear down.


Further, while the Church is strongly on the record as opposing same-sex marriage, it has openly supported other rights for gays and lesbians such as protections in housing or employment.


The Church’s doctrine is based on love. We believe that our purpose in life is to learn, grow and develop, and that God’s unreserved love enables each of us to reach our potential. None of us is limited by our feelings or inclinations. Ultimately, we are free to act for ourselves.


The Church recognizes that those of its members who are attracted to others of the same sex experience deep emotional, social and physical feelings. The Church distinguishes between feelings or inclinations on the one hand and behavior on the other. It’s not a sin to have feelings, only in yielding to temptation.


There is no question that this is difficult, but Church leaders and members are available to help lift, support and encourage fellow members who wish to follow Church doctrine. Their struggle is our struggle. Those in the Church who are attracted to someone of the same sex but stay faithful to the Church’s teachings can be happy during this life and perform meaningful service in the Church. They can enjoy full fellowship with other Church members, including attending and serving in temples, and ultimately receive all the blessings afforded to those who live the commandments of God.


Obviously, some will disagree with us. We hope that any disagreement will be based on a full understanding of our position and not on distortion or selective interpretation. The Church will continue to speak out to ensure its position is accurately understood.


God’s universal fatherhood and love charges each of us with an innate and reverent acknowledgement of our shared human dignity. We are to love one another. We are to treat each other with respect as brothers and sisters and fellow children of God, no matter how much we may differ from one another.


We hope and firmly believe that within this community, and in others, kindness, persuasion and goodwill can prevail.

A Very Fine Line

I'm still sick to my stomach...and in light of a few more comments and questions from friends I would like to continue my dialogue. 

I believe that I was born attracted to women, born gay, if you will.  But I do believe what Elder Packer says...that through the Atonement of Christ it can change.  I do NOT believe in aversion therapy of ANY kind...not one little bit.  And I don't really think that my attraction to women will change in this life.  What I DO know is that in the end..."when all is said and done"...that all will be as it should.  It does hurt to hear things like "immoral" and "impure" when referring to same sex attraction.  It is so tough to stomach those words when it isn't simply about who you want to have sex with, but who and how you love someone.  Love is such a joyful and beautiful emotion...and to call the love that a person has for another immoral or impure...it really does hurt.  I don't want anyone to think that I'm immune to hurt.   

But the doctrine of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...the church that I DO belong to...is that acting upon (not having) feelings of same sex attraction/homosexuality is a sin. (The Church recognizes that those of its members who are attracted to others of the same sex experience deep emotional, social and physical feelings. The Church distinguishes between feelings or inclinations on the one hand and behavior on the other. It’s not a sin to have feelings, only in yielding to temptation.)  The gospel of Christ is indeed found in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  And sexual relationships between two men or two women falls under the umbrellas of immorality...along with pornography, fornication, and adultery.  This is the doctrine of the LDS church.  I realize that it is incongruous with the beliefs of many...many who are not of my faith...and even many who are.  But marriage between one man and one woman is at the core of this gospel.

What we all need to realize and accept...embrace really...is this reality...neither side will ever give in to the other...the LDS church will continue to stand by it's definition of marriage...the LDS church will continue to stand up for that sacred belief.  The gay community and many others will continue to fight for the legalization of gay marriage.  They will continue to fight for civil rights for gay couples (something I VERY much believe in...though my belief is that marriage is a religious, not civil, right).  My hope is not so much that this fight will end...I'm not that idealistic nor optimistic...my hope is that each side will do its best to move forward with respect and kindness.  There are almost 7 billion people on this earth and upwards of 310 million of them live in the United States of America...there is not way we are all going to ever agree on the same issue.  What we should agree on is that we all must be kind and loving to one another...even when we STRONGLY disagree.

There is absolutely no place for bullying.  There is no place for denigration of any sort.  We must recognize there is a difference between stating ones beliefs and opinions and being a bully and a jerk.  I think it is a very fine line...one that will always be a challenge to walk.  That is where patience and kindness play perhaps their greatest roles.  It will be a miserable life for all of us with out them.

I hope

I am literally sick to my stomach over all the hurt and anger that has arisen on both sides of the issue in the last week.  It is cliche and perhaps even naive to wonder why we can't all just get along.  


Two opposing viewpoints...opposing viewpoints that will never reconcile themselves to one another...much the same way I feel that I may never be reconciled with myself...not in this world anyway. 


There are those that may not believe that my attraction towards women is real...that perhaps it is a way of making myself feel better because I'm a single 31 year old LDS woman...or there are those who perhaps think I'm a complete idiot for continuing to participate in a religion that would deny me the choice of being with the person to whom I am attracted...at least not without disciplinary action.  A religion where people judge me unrighteously and negatively despite the fact that I am NOT acting upon my feelings and in spite of counsel from the prophets and apostles that ALL people...ALL of Heavenly Father's children...be treated with love and compassion and kindness.


To anyone that would make a judgement or an assumption based on this one part of who I am...to you I say...I'm doing my best.  I really am.  And perhaps today my best is not as good as it was yesterday...and maybe tomorrow it won't even be as good as it is today...but maybe it will be even better.  I'm doing my best to live the gospel.  To be a good and kind person.  To honor my temple covenants.  To treat all of Father's children with love without sacrificing what I know to be right.


I do not think that life is going to get easier...I think it is only going to get more difficult and I hope and pray that I am able to continue to grow and move forward with charity and compassion...with understanding and steadfastness.  

some thoughts

this morning my brother emailed me asking what all the fuss was surrounding Elder Packer's talk that he gave during the Sunday morning session of General Conference.  As I said in my previous post I would listen to it again and think about it.  I have listened to it again...a few more times actually.  Below is my response to him, to everyone.

You know I have listened to that talk about five times since Sunday.  Funny thing is...the first time around it didn't really bother me other than one comment...and I talked to mom about it and then it didn't bother me anymore.

I'm not really sure why everyone is up in arms.  I thought at first it was because he was so direct and blunt...he wasn't really "showing the love"  :)  I told a friend that maybe it is because his voice is so gruff that people thought he was mad or something ;)  In all seriousness, he was very direct and blunt and it would have been nice to hear a "we love you" at the end...especially when in the last few months there have been at least four suicides reported of kids (11-18) who were bullied about being gay...I think that is where some of the outrage lies...a little bit anyway.  

But in the end what it comes down to is that people are upset because they disagree with him.  And despite all the calling for acceptance, I am sad to say that I think acceptance doesn't always exist...on either side of the argument.  All those outraged by this, gay or straight, are ignoring the fact that Elder Packer is speaking from his own frame of reference...which is a belief that gay marriage, homosexuality, any sexual impurity, pornography, etc... is wrong (because he was talking about all of them in his talk, not just about gay marriage or homosexuality).  That is what he believes, that is what the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints believes.  They (the outraged) fail to see that the core of the belief does not lie in hatred...but rather in teachings of right and wrong of the LDS church.  

People who are upset are basically calling for the LDS church to change their core beliefs.  That is just NEVER going to happen.  Because marriage will always be the sealing of one man to one woman.  I know that is true.  I have no doubt that it is.  But does it make it easier to hear?  Actually... a little bit it does...but it still hurts me for so many gay people who just want to live their lives their own way with the person they love...it hurts me for me sometimes.  But lots of things in life hurt everyone.  I don't blame anyone for wanting to be married...I think it is a fairly inborn desire...considering it is a bedrock of the plan of salvation...our spirits know it is the right thing to do...unfortunately...there are those of us out there who would rather marry someone of our same sex...and that, sadly, is NOT part of the bedrock of our eternal salvation.  And believe me...there are SOOOO many days where I wish it was.  But it isn't.  The gospel is true and therein is where I find strength.

As I have listened to his talk, over and over again...I cannot find anything to be upset about.  He spoke the truth.  He was straight (no pun intended) forward making no apologies.  I was grateful for Elder Eyring's talk at the beginning of that same session.  (He spoke on his faith and trust in the Lord's chosen apostles and prophets-in case you forgot.  I've listened to that one a few times as well).  That topic, Elder Eyring's words, they were truly inspired.  Perhaps I would have felt differently about Elder Packer's talk had I not listened to Elder Eyring's.  I don't know.  What I do know is that I believe the gospel is true and that were I to ever choose another path, it would be in the face of what I know to be true.  I would have to figure out a way to overcome the sorrow of choosing a path of "not all truth" because the gospel would never change in it's truthfulness.  It is true.  It is that ultimate truth that Elder Packer was talking about.  Gay marriage, whether legal or not, is never going to be ok just because man says it is.  A vote does not change the laws of God.

Not a day goes by that at some point, I don't wish that things were different.  Not a day goes by that I don't consider stepping away from the gospel and living my life differently. But I haven't yet...and perhaps I never will.  That seems like it would be a long lonely life...and I don't know if I have the will power to live my life without someone I love to share it with...but for now I have wonderful friends, a kick-ass family and belief in a loving and all knowing Father in Heaven.

To listen to Elder Packer's and Elder Eyring's talks in their entirety click here


“I have heard the calls for change in our church’s policy on this subject. I have read Carol Lynn Pearson’s books and wept as I read them. I don’t think the evolution of our policies will go as far as many would like. Rather I think the evolution will be one of better understanding. I believe our concept of marriage is part of the bedrock of our doctrine and will not change. I believe our policy will continue to be that gay members of the Church must remain celibate. However, I want you to know that as a result of being with you this morning, my aversion to homophobia has grown. I know that many very good people have been deeply hurt, and I know that the Lord expects better of us.”
Marlin K Jensen

General Conference

I've received a few texts from friends and read quite a few posts in the LDS/gay (I don't really know what to call it) blogosphere regarding the talk in General Conference by Elder Boyd K Packer earlier today.  I'm going to listen to it again tomorrow and think more about it.  I haven't really thought too much about it because I spent a wonderful day with my fabulous family.  What I would like to share is a story that I came across recently and it filled me with hope, and renewed conviction.  (Incidentally, yesterday while I was watching conference I thought to myself about how it would be nice if they would address the issue of same sex attraction in conference, they same way they so directly address the issue of pornography...prayers are answered? :)  I also am appreciative of Elder Eyring's testimony at the beginning of the Sunday morning session regarding his conviction in the Lord's chosen apostles).

As election time drew nearer for Proposition 8 in California it seemed that every night on the local news were stories of families whose lives were being deeply affected by the campaign...both sides...each night I would be in tears by the end of the news report.  I was torn by the issue...but I believe what it says in the proclamation on the family...and what Elder Jensen reaffirms in such a loving way below.

ELDER MARLIN K. JENSEN LISTENS TO PAIN CAUSED BY PROP 8

--Carol Lynn Pearson

At an early morning meeting prior to the ten o’clock session of the Oakland Stake Conference on September 19th, a remarkable event occurred. Marlin K. Jensen, a general authority of the LDS Church, listened intently as members of the stake, invited specifically for the purpose, voiced the grief they had experienced as a result of their church’s involvement in Proposition 8 as well as the broader history of programs and policies relating to gay and lesbian members.

The meeting was opened by President Dean Criddle, who in 2009 had, along with his two counselors, given moving presentations to the adults of every ward in the stake on the subject of reaching out with love and understanding to our gay brothers and sisters. (See http://www.clpearson.com/oaklandstake.htm.) In his introductory remarks, President Criddle reported that Elder Jensen had offered to get together with members of the stake whom the Stake Presidency felt might benefit from meeting in a more intimate setting with a visiting general authority. President Criddle advised Elder Jensen that many families and individuals in our stake continued to feel wounded in the aftermath of the Proposition 8 campaign and said that it would mean a great deal to many of these members to know that the general authorities are aware of their experience. President Criddle had suggested that Elder Jensen offer to listen to a few of these people tell their stories. Elder Jensen had graciously agreed.

Elder Jensen greeted us warmly, assuring us that he was there to listen, that he would share our stories and comments with the other Brethren. He urged us to be honest in our expressions, then turned the microphone over to whomever chose to speak. The rest of the hour was profoundly emotional, cathartic, and I am certain rewarding for all who were there. About 90 people attended the meeting, each at the specific invitation of a Bishop or a member of the Stake Presidency. Time allowed thirteen of these people to speak. Several expressed devotion to the Church in spite of the pain they had experienced. Some speakers expressed anger that the Proposition 8 campaign had given people “a license to hate”–expressed amazement that our church could have led a campaign that violated its own principles, a campaign in which love was not in evidence, in which Christ seemed to have been forgotten–expressed sorrow that a family who previously had managed to come together in loving inclusion of their gay brother and his husband and their child found themselves ripped apart by the Proposition 8 campaign.

For me personally the highlight of the stories shared was that of my dear friend Connell O’Donovan, who began by saying through his tears, “For many years the Mormon Church violated my soul.” He told of his journey, so similar to that of thousands of LDS gay men and women, going through “the Lord’s program for my cure,” the fasting, the praying, the mission, the disastrous marriage, the hypnotherapy, being sent to BYU for “vomit aversion therapy”—all as he determinedly followed the counsel of his priesthoodleaders. As he described the horrendous ordeal of the aversion therapy and his eventual refusal to undergo it, the emotion in the room became more audible. My friend Diana, sitting beside me, began to sob, and continued sobbing through the rest of the meeting. Many in the room were crying. As Connell concluded, he said that he felt an apology was needed to help heal the pain, help both the Church and the gay members move forward.

Elder Jensen, who had been taking notes constantly, arose and through his tears said, “I know that never in my life will I experience an hour quite like this one.” He said he had heard very clearly the pain that had been expressed and that “to the full extent of my capacity I say that I am sorry.”

There was never a statement suggesting that Elder Jensen felt the Church’s support of Proposition 8 was an error or that he was apologizing for that event. He said, “I have heard the calls for change in our church’s policy on this subject. I have read Carol Lynn Pearson’s books and wept as I read them. I don’t think the evolution of our policies will go as far as many would like. Rather I think the evolution will be one of better understanding. I believe our concept of marriage is part of the bedrock of our doctrine and will not change. I believe our policy will continue to be that gay members of the Church must remain celibate. However, I want you to know that as a result of being with you this morning, my aversion to homophobia has grown. I know that many very good people have been deeply hurt, and I know that the Lord expects better of us.”

Elder Jensen added that in his experience the general authorities of the Church are as good-hearted a group of men as could be found anywhere, perhaps not perfect, but trying hard to do what is right and that they entered the Proposition 8 campaign without malice.

Every person I have talked to who was there felt they had witnessed and experienced something quite remarkable. I personally felt it to be a landmark event. Whatever the “promised land” on this subject will look like when our LDS community finally arrives there, no one can at present say. But the richly rewarding meeting in the Oakland Stake Center on September 19th, 2010 was a very important step.

resisting and growing

How muscles grow: (this information was gathered from a wiki type website about building muscle. Based on my own studies in fitness classes, biology and real life experience I feel it is safe to say this is an accurate description)


1-Your muscles grow when they recover after heavy stress that you put on them in the gym. Your body 'thinks' that you were running for your life from a lion and nearly escaped, and it builds some extra muscle to make sure that you outrun that lion next time he finds you! 


2-The same story in other words: when you stress your muscle to the limit, it develops micro-injury. When it repairs the damage, having enough time and material, it 'overdoes' a little, to prevent you from having that 'micro-injury' in the future.


3-To put it short, if you want your muscle grow, you should give it as much stress as possible in the gym, then you should provide it with everything it needs to recover and grow, which is time and food.

As I read this...can't remember why I was looking for it...it struck me that this was a very good example from nature of how my growth in the gospel works.  Some things that struck me:

1. "Your muscles grow when they recover after heavy stress that you put on them"
2. "when you stress your muscle to the limit, it develops micro-injury. When it repairs the damage, having enough time and material, it 'overdoes' a little, to prevent you from having that 'micro-injury' in the future."
3. "then you should provide it with everything it needs to recover and grow"

"then you should provide it with everything it needs to recover and grow"
My spiritual muscles DO seem to be stronger after each trial.  I find that I have a bit more resistance to my temptations, less of a desire to give in, and an increased desire to hold fast to the gospel that I know to be true.  And given time to gain some perspective for any given trial I can even begin to see the...necessity? of that particular struggle.  And if I'm really lucky what I've learned from a past trial comes in handy when faced with a new one...just like the muscles I build in the gym one day will hopefully pull me up Walters Wiggles when hiking Angel's Landing on another day.


"when you stress your muscle to the limit, it develops micro-injury. When it repairs the damage, having enough time and material, it 'overdoes' a little, to prevent you from having that 'micro-injury' in the future." 
There are moments, days, months...years even...that I feel as if I've been pushed to my limit...that I have been "broken" and am in need of repair.  I think this is what our Father expects.  We break and then we turn to our Father and to our Savior and his Atonement to heal what has been broken.  "Breaking" leads me to humility...I can no longer continue on my own...I must ask for help.  And so...hopefully...I do.  My Savior steps in and takes what is broken...takes my weakness...and repairs it...makes it stronger.  And suddenly what was once so weak, has now become a strength that I will use to battle through other trying times.

"then you should provide it with everything it needs to recover and grow"
As I struggle, with any number of things, I forget the recovery aspect.  I'm just so thrilled to be done with my "spiritual workout"...I'm so emotionally and spiritually drained that I don't really think about what is going to help to recover.  I'm just glad that a particular trial is over and that the Savior has stepped in...but what now?

When the physical workout is over...what do I do?  Do I go to In-N-Out burger to celebrate my hard work after a couple hours in the gym?  No (...well...I shouldn't) I stretch and nourish my body with food and water.  So after I've made it through a spiritual trial...what am I doing?  Am I providing myself with the spiritual nourishment that I need to help the new muscles I've built recover?  Am I continuing to call upon my Father and the Savior?  Am I renewing my covenants with the Lord through regular temple and Sunday meeting attendance?  Is my scripture study regular? Without providing my spirit with the needed nourishment all that hard work was for not.



It doesn't seem unreasonable that I apply a workout regime not only for my physical health, but for my spiritual as well.  Trials and temptations will never cease...not in this life...and even in the world to come...at least for a time.  Spiritual muscle growth is essential to my salvation.

I do know that we are here to grow and become who our Father in Heaven already knows we can be.  The potential for my spiritual muscle growth is there.  It is not unachievable...but it will not come without difficulty.  So I'm going to do my best to make it less difficult with a better workout regime.

Pride...and not the kind you have a parade for.

I'm going to preface this post with a warning that it contradicts my previous 90210 post.  I may know the gospel principles but unfortunately I don't always apply them in my life.

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. ~Ether 12:27

My weaknesses are given so that I may become humble.  Humility is something that I feel I've been sorely lacking lately.  Perhaps this will turn a few readers off...but lately I've been really struggling with my pride.  Not the "I'm better than you because I'm awesome and have more than you kind of pride"...more a "from the bottom up" kind of pride that I once hears Spencer W Kimball speak about (now I can't find the reference).  I listened to Elder Scott recently interview a married couple and was filled with disdain for the couple and pride in myself, as they discussed how they counsel together and with the Lord to work through disagreements in their relationship.  The disdain wasn't specifically aimed at that issue...more at the fact that they were married and HAD someone to counsel with over struggles in their relationship.  I sat there thinking..."I do this alone.  I don't have anyone to counsel with for help."  

Reading that now is laughable.  A) Because it is prideful and ridiculous and B) because I DO, indeed, have someone to counsel with.  I might not be sealed for time and all eternity, nor am I married civilly, nor am I even in a relationship.  However, I have parents and siblings, I have friends...and most importantly...I do have the Savior and my Father in Heaven...and their counsel is the best around.

Last night I was speaking with a friend and we were talking about struggles, frustrations, weaknesses, etc... and how they give us reason to turn to the Lord...and as it says in Ether...when we do that those things that are weak unto us...He can make them strengths unto us.  I've seen it in my own life...on a daily basis.

I'm grateful that despite my pride, my Father in Heaven still blesses me...that the Atonement is there so that I can leave that pride with the Lord.  Some days seem to drag on...and this life feels like it is a never ending battle...but I am working towards an end goal...a happy ending, if you will:

"A happy end...that's a bit of a tall order for everyday. I mean ultimately, sure, you want to end happily. But at the same time, who wants to end? Either you're happy and ended or you're not quite happy and at least still living...

That's where I have to find consolation...in the fact that I'm still living....a day to day...hour to hour...breath to breath...just living."  ~Little Happy Secrets

The speaker in the play acknowledges that her statement is a fairly literal take on happy endings...but I can relate to exactly what she is saying...many times I've said that choosing the gospel is a  daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute choice.  And I don't always make the right choice.  But I do find comfort in the fact that whether humbled or prideful my Savior, His Atonement and my Father in Heaven...they are always there for me...they don't give up on me.  It is much easier to hear their counsel when I am humble...and as you now know...I'm not always filled with humility...but I still take comfort in knowing that even with my nose turned up at others...they do not turn their noses up at me...or their backs on me.  Their arms are always open waiting for me to turn my heart to them.

life lessons from 90210

Obviously the main issue that I write about on this blog is about dealing with my attraction to girls and its incongruence with the gospel that I know to be true.  But there are other things that I struggle with.  They are not so acute but they do exist.  However...because liking girls is so...I can't think of a word...but it is something that would require a significant, to say the least, lifestyle change...including giving up things that I love and hold sacred...it seems to be front and center in my life.  This is NOT in any way to say that my life is more difficult than anyone else's.  I don't believe that at all.  In fact I believe that your challenges and struggles and obstacles are as difficult for you as mine are for me.  I believe that principle to be true.  I like to call it my 90210 principle.  I will explain...


In 1990 Beverly Hills 90210 made it's television debut.  It was not a show I had any particular interest in  (except for when Rebecca Gayheart and Tiffani Thiessen were on...they are both really easy on the eyes...I digress) but it taught me a great lesson about judging other's situation against my own. 


I was sitting at lunch one day...at the lunch table were a group of girls, with whom I was friends and who had a deep LOVE for 90210...and then a couple of my closer friends who had about as much interest in the show as I did.  One of my closer friends commented on how lame the show was, which of course almost incited a lunch room riot.  Being the peace maker/people pleaser (working on that) that I am I tried to temper the increasingly incendiary situation.  My closer friends took the stance that the show was so fake, so ridiculous and that if their lives were anything like that they would have nothing to complain about.  The 90210 girls immediately countered saying...well honestly I don't know what they said...but I do know they were horrified by the lack of regard given to their televisions "besties" (just an aside, this was LONG before the term "bestie", but I am fairly certain that these girls would have been part of the group to incorporate the word).  


This is when true Divine inspiration struck my 13 year old mind.  In less than articulate terms, I'm sure...I was in junior high, cut me some slack...I explained to the fuming group that the lives of the TV CHARACTERS (yes...I am sort of about to defend television characters) were as difficult for said TV characters as our lives were for us...that my life was as difficult for me as it was for any one of my friends...90210 lovers and anyone else...and though our struggles were very, Very, VERY different (especially from the likes of the students at Beverly Hills High) said struggles were still just as difficult, and heart wrenching and stressful and painful and whateverelseful for each one of us.  I don't really remember anyone being awed at my words of wisdom (I guess I was no Mother Mary) but things settled down and I was the heroine for the 90210 crowd...not sure if they understood what I was saying totally...but they could tell I was on their side...and as far as my closer friends...they just chalked it up to me being my usual crowd pleasing self...and we continued on, peacefully, with our non-90210 related conversation.  


To be honest...I think it was many years later that I was actually awed at my own words...not so much at what I had said, but somewhat amazed that at such a self centered and moody age (it wasn't just me, right?)  I came to understand what is a very true principle...regardless of someones struggle...I cannot compare it to mine...I cannot judge that what I go through on a daily basis is more difficult than what you go through.  Of course and by all means...we can support each other and share with one another our heartbreaks and our "heart-heals"...and we indeed learn from one another.  But I would loath the thought that anyone out there ever thought that I felt as if my life was so much more difficult than theirs.


Our trials...they are here to make us better...make us who it is we truly are, who we can really be...I don't always love that idea...but there are a lot of principles in nature (muscle growth immediately comes to mind) that seem to evidenced the truth that our growth and progression come often times from obstacles. 


And I will leave you with some thoughts that are not my own but that I would like to have etched underneath my eyelids so I read them while I sleep!

"The path of least resistance can lead through a minefield" (this comes from the main character in the movie The Nannie Diaries)         

"Patient endurance permits us to cling to our faith in the Lord and our faith in His timing when we are being tossed about by the surf of circumstance.  Even when a seeming undertow grasps us, somehow, in the tumbling we are being carried forward though battered and bruised." ~Neal A Maxwell

And for those moments when you're 100% POSITIVE that you've learned ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING that you are going to learn from a particular trial...Neal sheds some (more) much needed light:

"In our approach to life, patience also helps us to realize that while we may be ready to move on, having had ENOUGH of a particular learning experience, our continued presence is often needed as part of the learning environment of others." 

~Neal A Maxwell

"There is a gap between what I feel and what I know."  This thought came to me one day while sitting in a Relief Society lesson...or perhaps I was listening to a talk...I don't really remember. I DO remember that is resonated with me...it describes exactly what I feel about the two very powerful competing forces in my life.  

I realized recently that the only possible way for me to close that gap...the only way that I have any chance of that happening is if I keep my covenants.  If I can do that, then sometime in this life...or the next...that gaping hole...can be filled, completed, closed, made to be as if it never existed.  I will be made to feel whole.  Isn't that the whole purpose of the Atonement?  I know that somehow, making and keeping covenants with the Lord will allow me to "take all MY insecurities, all MY short comings and recognize them but turn them over to the Lord" (from a note written to me from a friend the day I realized the gap in my life.)  I'm still working on how exactly to turn those things over to the Lord...and I'm still trying to fill that gap.  Some days my trying is much more diligent and valiant than others...but I do try.

ELEVEN DAYS

Deuteronomy 1:2 - (There are eleven days journey from Horeb by the way of Seir unto Kadesh-barnea.)


Horeb is the place where Moses received the 10 Commandments.  Kadesh-barnea is a point at which Moses sent spies into the promised land to see what's the what.  I had a friend once tell me that the drive from Horeb to Kadesh-barnea takes about 45 minutes...that is about the drive from Salt Lake City to Provo on a normal traffic day.  The Israelites wandered for FORTY YEARS.  They were an eleven day journey away from the promise land...but because of their hardened hearts and pride...they wandered for FORTY.YEARS.

Am I going to hang on to anger and frustration and pride and "wander for forty years"?  Or am I going to be able to just let it go and reach the "promise land"?

In October General Conference of 2008 Elder Lawrence E Corbridge gave a talk entitled "The Way" .  (Read it. Love it.)

He made the following statement:  

Life is hard, but life is simple. Get on the path and never, ever give up. You never give up. You just keep on going. You don’t quit, and you will make it.

There is only one way to happiness and fulfillment. Jesus Christ is the Way. Every other way, any other way, whatever other way is foolishness.

And so...I really am trying to get on and stay on that path...and never give up.  Some days are better than others...but I am just going to keep on going...because any other way is foolishness.

"But hold on to what you believe in the light...when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight."

I think that if I ever get a tattoo this is what I will get tattooed.  I use to want a poem that Alex wrote for me, but it is kind of long...and I think this phrase sums up a truth that would be useful tattooed underneath my eyelids.  Or perhaps I will make a recording of it over and over  and listen to it each night as I fall asleep (SINCE I CAN'T BUY THE SONG THE LINE IS FROM ON iTUNES...PLEASE Apple...let me buy music form iTunes Ireland...geez).

I've come to realize in the VERY recent past (ie about twenty minutes ago) that what always pulls me out of a slump or back to the "straight and narrow" is a gospel truth... EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.  

I don't want to admit that.  I want to be able to live my life happily without the gospel in it...for the mere fact that I could then date who I actually was interested in dating.  But it is the truth.  Well...almost the whole truth...for me, the whole truth is, the gospel brings about the majority of my happiness...the rest of it is a result of the relationships in my life...and as kick ass and bitchin' as my friends and family are...they are not a significant other.  Sometimes they are a fabulous substitute...but even then they are only fleeting in their ability to fill that GAPING hole.  One day my mom and I were discussing Prop 8 and gay marriage and the temple and I explained to her that in my ideal world I could be sealed to the girl I loved in the temple.  In my ideal world that would be A-Ok. But this isn't my world...and that isn't how natural law works...so...I do my best to:

"...hold on to what I believe in the light...when the darkness has robbed me of all my sight."

A ton of 'em.

Sometimes things hit me like this.

I can't breathe and then everything starts to ache...

But I've noticed that though it always feels equally as painful...the pain doesn't always have the same effect.  My state of mind tends to determine the extent to which the pain affects me.

So my main goal is to keep a more upbeat state of mind so that when those "bricking" moments hit...though it might throw me off my game...it will only be momentarily.

Any hints on keeping the upbeat state of mind?

ch...ch...changes...

Life can turn on a dime.  I feel better...not like...I'm totally happy and going to be forever better...but better than I have in a long time...better to the point that I can see myself...catch glimpses of the person that I have been/can be again.  It started last Friday and has gotten progressively better over the last week.
Driving home from Provo with my mom she was talking about the last time she bore her testimony in church and how she expressed gratitude for her children and their righteous choices in life; especially because those choices aren't the easiest and we don't have to make them...but we do, and she is grateful.  Her expression of gratitude remained near the forefront of my mind as the weekend continued.  Sunday as I sat in sacrament meeting I suddenly felt glad to be in church...and it has been months since I have felt that way.  I also renewed my temple recommend on Sunday and as I walked out of the stake president's office it was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders...it was not as if I'd just been to the temple, but knowing that I could go...that the recommend in my hand was current...it made a difference.  And then yesterday  I was chatting with Alex and I could suddenly just see myself again.  I don't remember Alex saying anything in particular that suddenly "flipped a switch"...but I guess...realizing that she is the definition of a best friend...and understanding that she isn't ever going give up on me...it helped.  I know that Alex believes in my goodness and my ability to succeed...and I guess yesterday I started to believe that again.

Thoughts of failure and doubt still plague my mind but at least there is some sort of "front line" to keep them at bay while I try and rally more troops for back up.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss



I want this so badly...so badly to have a "coming out party"...not because I want to come out and start dating girls...but just so people know that I like girls and it isn't this secret that I carry.


And I'm not entirely sure where or what this desire stems from...I guess I see how much better my relationships are with family and friends who know.  

righteously upset?

"Too often, the thing you want most is the one thing you can't have."

Can I BE righteously upset?  And what exactly am I upset about?

• Am I upset because I am attracted to girls?
• Am I upset because what I believe...what I know to be true conflicts with my attraction to said girls?
• Am I upset because I've become someone that I hate?
• Am I upset because I need medication to keep from going to "dark and twisty" places?

And then regardless of WHY I am upset...is it even OK for me to be upset?  

• if I'm attracted to girls I could just date girls.
• if I know the gospel is true, then I live the gospel.
• I've let myself become a person I hate...so I change who I am.
• I deal with the fact that my problems are brought on by a chemical imbalance and meds will balance it right out.

So if there are answers to all my frustrations...then is there any such thing as righteous anger?  And can I have that righteous anger...can I BE righteously upset?

Stop Gap

something that fills the place of something else that is lacking; temporary substitute; make-shift.

These, stop gaps, these are what my life is composed off..."things" that just numb the pain...only for a few seconds, so it seems...and then temporary substitute wears off, runs out, loses it's "mojo", etc...and I am back to falling into the seemingly endless gap that is my life...at least that is how I feel.  I'm not trying to be melodramatic, or garner sympathy from all five of my readers...that is just how I feel.  

Nothing I do is ever going to be a real fix...everything will always be a stop gap...at least until the other side...and even then...who knows when that will happen.