Hmmmmmm...I know I want to write something...I know I am feeling a lot of emotions right now...but I am suffering from severe writers block.



I am not really feeling the holidays right now. Thanksgiving was fine...spent it with family....it was fun...but I was struggling to keep up a facade of happiness. It gets wearing after a while. I just feel very numb.

Propostion 8

This is a difficult topic for me. I have struggled with recent events. I've talked with my mom and dad about, with other family members as well as friends. Because of my own feelings, my attraction to girls...I ache for those who share my same attraction to have the lives that they desire...but pulling at me so intensely, reverberating to my very core are my beliefs in the gospel. Today the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has put out a few statements regarding the issue. In fact, long before Prop 8 the Church put out what could be referred to as a statement of sorts...or rather...to use the words of the church leaders...a proclamation. In August of 2008 an in depth article regarding the sanctity of marriage was released further explaining why the Church was taking such a vested interest in this issue. I have read both of these. I have always taken a strong stand when it comes to the sanctity of marriage.

One day back in 2004 while talking to Allyson I told her very firmly that marriage was ordained of God and was between a man and woman. I have never seen words have such a physical effect on someone, as they did on Allyson that day. Looking my best friend, a girl I had loved...still loved...still love (though in a different way)...watching her be so hurt by my beliefs...that struck me to the core and I knew right then and there that I better be damned sure that it was what I truly believed. I have spent the last four years reaffirming that faith. And though that faith is being tested now by all the power that the adversary has, I still am firm in my belief that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, that the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints regarding marriage, regarding the family, the role of men and women both as individuals and as married, sealed couples, is true, unchanging, and is that which will bring the greatest blessings and protection in these unstable and trying times.

It is not easy for me to say these things...knowing full well that if I were ever to have a girl friend, I would still want a family, still want to be married...but I couldn't...as I have mentioned before. Knowing that so many out there who are attracted to those of the same sex, who want to be married, live their lives in peace, contribute to the world, raise children, be all around good people...it hurts me to say to them...to you...that no, I don't believe that you should have the right to be married. That is not easy for me...but marriage-between a man and a woman-is ordained of God. You may say that He is not your god, and you may feel that way...but He is indeed your God, my God...our Father in Heaven. He is our creator...He loves us...He knows what he is doing...He is preparing us for such a greater life than this.

What I DO believe is that civil rights should in NO WAY AT ALL be tied to marriage.  In fact what I do believe in is privatizing marriage.  The government should have ZERO say in what defines a marriage...REGARDLESS of that definition...whether I agree with it or not.  Marriage is a religious institution, NOT a public or federal one.

A Shout Out to the O.T.

I have been attempting to read the Old Testament. A handful of trusted friends, who have either taught it in seminary or institute, or meticulously studied it, are constantly talking it up. So, it is my turn to make an attempt to read the book that seems daunting and boring to every seminary student. (I did sit through O.T. seminary. I took it from a teacher who did not know how to teach. He struggled, but he was a great man who constantly expressed his love for the Savior).

My first look into it was 1st and 2nd Samuel. I didn't delve into Samuel as much as I should and I will repent, and return again. But I did delve into the story of David and Jonathan and their deep, abiding friendship. It is one of the greatest expressions of friendship I have ever read and is a testament to the importance of that particular relationship among man. The words are passionate, piercing. I think it is a great example of the love and friendship that the Savior must feel for each one of us, and it gives me great peace that a relationship so deep, and intense can exist between members of the same sex. It has helped me to put certain feelings and aspects of my feelings towards certain friends into a perspective that up until that point, I had found confusing and frustrating.

My second look was into Jonah...and I have been stuck there for about a week or two. Not because I am struggling, but because the book of Jonah, Jonah's story, his relationship with God, his personality, has touched me in a way that I cannot fully explain. Along with my trusty O.T study guide, and some insight for my therapist, I have come to understand, not only the story of Jonah better, but the nature of my own relationship with myself, with my Father in Heaven, and with my struggles.

Though many plain and precious truths have been lost for the Bible, with an open and willing heart, and some bonus insight, there is a wealth of discovery in that book. I am so grateful for it.

When you fall in love with the good energy of someone, and being around them regularly just keeps you happy, it is hard to lose that. No truer words were spoken. They are not mine, but they are SO true.

?

I don't know what to do. I am happy, but my heart still aches. I am feeling pretty stressed but I still have a sense of peace. I'm kind of feeling directionless, but not lost. I don't know how to describe it. I'm kind of confused. There are things going on that I feel like should really be throwing me out of sync...but I feel ok. I mean...I just feel at peace...I don't know. I think feeling so calm is kind of throwing me off. I am use to being in a state of confusion and upheaval. I imagine it will come soon-that feeling of confusion and distraught. But for now, I will just keep on keepin' on...as Gladys has said, and enjoy this feeling of peace. It would be nice to be able to hold on to that peace all the time, and I am pretty sure there is a way...and I am even more sure that I know that way...it is just the strength of character that I may be lacking. But I also know what I need to become stronger...

Sitting on the floor

Alex and I were talking a few weeks back and she said that she would rather be sitting on the floor, than have the chair pulled out from underneath her again. I understand that desire, I do. I have been sitting on the floor for the last, almost, five months. But I can’t; that is not the way life works. Ky was very adamant to defend Alex last night when I was sharing my frustrations about Alex’s attitude. Ky said that there is comfort and even a “safe” feeling in misery. I know that…I have been miserable; I have let myself swim in my misery…bathe in it even. That action, or lack of action, got me nowhere. Well, that is not entirely true…it did get me somewhere, but not somewhere I wanted to be. In the end, it made things worse.

I understand that it is difficult to get up off the floor. It is easier to be pessimistic, or even realistic. But it is depressing, and we cannot progress nearly as much. I can’t begin to know what life is like for Alex, or even for Ky, and they can’t begin to know what it’s like for me…but for ALL of us, I KNOW that it is better that we pick ourselves up EVERY SINGLE TIME we are knocked down, or fall.

the big picture

As mortals, we live somewhat finite lives. Having the truth in my life allows me to have a less finite perspective. Because of my knowledge of my Father in Heaven and my Savior provides me with the ability to have an eternal perspective. An eternal perspective is very valuable...probably invaluable...but I still, as a mortal, live in the finite world and struggle greatly with my day to day perspective...but I realized something today while listening to Elder Andersen during General Conference...though I may live in a finite world, with a finite mind...on a day to day basis...the eternal perspective is a blessing and a strength that I should not underestimate. But I curse it always...because it is so, so frustrating!

So what?

Yesterday I posted the stand I have taken...and I am still taking that stand today, but I have to say...the weight and reality of that stand has sunk in...and there are "goods" and "not so much my favorites". The idea of not having that one person...that intimate partner for life...and I am not simply talking about physical intimacy...in fact I am not referring to that at all. There is something inspiring, invigorating, strengthening...about having that "person"...your person...my person. I had that person...but she is some one's person...and so, now I have kind of half a person...or rather...a part time person, or quarter time person. I wouldn't say half a person because she is ALWAYS my person 100% when I actually get to see her and really talk with her...but that doesn't happen so often.

I also feel overwhelmed by the cultural stigma that exists in the culture that I am surrounded by. I am getting older, I am not married, something must be wrong with me...is something wrong with me? I wonder? Am I a social deviant? Twenty years ago, thirty years ago...I very well could have been considered one. Am I one now? I like girls...but I know that is not right. That is a difficult thing for me to say...or rather...type. It is difficult to say that how I feel, what brings me comfort and peace is not right...but it isn't....the truth is the truth regardless of how I feel about it. BUT...there it is...the truth...the truth I cannot escape. The truth that is my saving grace...that will be my saving grace. Right is right and wrong is wrong...my mom taught me that...and so...I will continue through this life...happy at times, frustrated, confused, lonely, excited, loved...just like the rest of the world. I like girls...so what...that is life.

Just FYI

After spending the weekend with one of the coolest and all around greatest people I have ever met, and after a blessing from my brother, a reprimand from the Lord, and the support of some of my closest friends I have come to a decision. I may be shooting myself in the foot by saying this; and I may even screw things up...but I just have decided not to ever have a girlfriend. I have found myself walking with one foot on each side of the line. Having looked at both sides of the line...there is just too much on the side of having a girlfriend that is not me.

Someday I may change my mind, because I get too lonely, or whatever. But I figure that taking a stand is better than remaining undecided. So I have taken my stand and I am running with it.

I am grateful for my friends, and their support; for my brother and sister in law; for the truth that I have in my life; for a loving Father in Heaven; and Savior and His Atonement.

A Path I'd Like to Walk

Last night as I lay in bed, I wished that I could have come to terms with my sexual orientation differently. I wish it would have been something that I discovered in high school with Grey, or now with Alex, or…I guess what I am truly wishing is that I could have discovered it unhindered (which is probably not the word I should use, but it is how I felt last night) by my beliefs. As I was lying there I was thinking about why I couldn't’t come to terms with it exactly how I would like to (just going out and meeting girls, and seeing what happens). And I realized that it is because my knowledge and faith in the truth holds me back…even in my bitterness, and (at times) disdain for my Father in Heaven the truth is still there…and because of that truth…because of the covenants that I have made…I can’t. I want to. I want to so badly. I want to discover a relationship with the knowledge that I have now regarding my sexual preference. I want to feel that with someone.

However…as badly as I want that…apparently I want something more…even on days when I swim in my disdain for my beliefs, for where I came from, and where I can go…I can’t let go of what I know is true and somewhere inside me, in what my therapist would probably refer to as my true core self… I am happier for it…in fact…that girl, that soul…must be pretty damn strong because she seems to be winning the war…she may not claim glory in every battle…but the war seems to be hers. She seems to have this immovable foundation in this truth. In this constant battle of “natural Sam” verses “soul Sam”…even when “soul Sam” is hanging on by her finger nails, her nails are dug in deep enough to hold off “natural Sam”. How is that possible? Strange question to ask seeing as how I am writing in the third person, and should know how this is all possible, but I have no idea…other than what I have already said…”soul Sam” is pretty damn strong, and her foundation has been built with something that I (whoever, “I” is) seem to know very little about.

Which brings me to my next quandary…who am I, really? What is this foundation built on, or with? And am I alone in this war? Who stands with me?

I know

I know why I couldn't do it...why I couldn't keep the pills down...why I will never have a girlfriend...why I will continue to live a life that feels so conflicting at times...because this [the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints] isn't just an institution that preaches good values, and morals, and some truth...it is THE truth housed in an imperfect institution. I know that. I have known that since age four. It has been a blessing and my saving grace throughout my life...and at times has been the bane of my existence...knowing what is true...and wanting what is contrary to that truth...I feel as though I am being ripped in two at times. It is so often overwhelming...it feels as if it is too much to bear...and last night...it did become too much...but even when it was too much...I still could not give up...because the truth was still there.

I know that this knowledge is a great blessing...and for that I have deep gratitude...but it also feels like a curse...if I didn't know the truth...I could easily find a girlfriend...I could have made an effort with Alex and possibly won her over...I would still be with Allyson...and frankly...I would probably be happy. My family would still love me...and I would be some one's favorite person...I would have that person to have a nightly routine with...that deep, emotional, intimate connection...

I am sure that there are those out there who may read this, or something like unto it, and be so disgusted, or saddened because they might feel as if I have been brainwashed...but I am not an idiot...I am actually quite intelligent. I know what I know because I have sought the truth for myself...because I wanted to know, I needed to know. And because of that I will continue to find myself at odds with myself...and probably others. And I will continue to be exhausted and frustrated...to be in pain...to feel an intense stab of loneliness on a daily and sometimes hourly basis...but...I will keep going...because what else can I do?

"How did I get here..."

So Sunday night I was an idiot. I put almost an entire bottle of sleeping pills in my mouth and started to swallow...I sat on my bathroom floor trying to swallow and then gagging myself...eventually I did pull myself up to my sink and spit/puke them out and washed them down the drain.

I am sitting here sick to my stomach that I even could get that close. I just got so overwhelmed this weekend. It was such an emotional weekend...some positive, even euphoric feelings of happiness...and then...lowest of lows. I haven't had an emotional spike that severe in a long time. However...now I know that even when I am on the edge...hanging off by only a few fingers...I am not going completely over...I couldn't do it...for whatever reason...because I am scared...because I am weak...because I am strong...because I'm not an idiot...I don't know...I am feeling pretty confused right now.

I told Alex what happened today. I was nervous to tell her, and it was over the phone, so who knows what her true reaction was...but saying it out loud makes me feel sicker...and the reality of what I could have done is sinking in deeper. Who was that last night? Some twisted and broken version of Sam? I don't know...I know that I am feeling confused, and frustrated today...I was stupid and selfish.

But I couldn't do it...in the end...I couldn't...I won't. Talk about self-inflicted refiner's fire.

But I hurt...I ache for the emotional intimacy. I miss it so much...more than I want to admit, more than I can stand, more than I should.......................??

journal entry 3rd August 2008

The following is an entry in my journal:

I was doing so well. But I'm not ok. The depression seems to be returning...almost as if it were a living thing...taking over my body, returning with a vengeance. I lay in my bed...my only wish is to let this life be over. I remember that I have a bottle of Xanax in my drawer-I don't know how many it would take to kill me, but I have almost a whole bottle left. It would do the trick. Two thoughts hold me here- 1) my parents...would be so disappointed...2)my siblings.  If I ever wanted to be worthy of the title of her friend this is not the way to do it. But I hurt...though it is only because of myself that I hurt. No one else. Sometimes that is what stops me-I am the one that hurts-no one deserves to suffer because of my pain. It hasn't been this bad for a while

Last night I met with my therapist. I told her about this when she asked how I had been with thoughts of suicide. I really have been ok...minus the above mentioned night. The thing about taking my life...it does no good...and it would be an insult to all those who love and support me...who have faith in me...and it would only cause hurt...hurt that could not be taken back, that may not dissipate with time...my siblings, my mom, Alex, Ky, Grey... so many. It is not the way to go. But in a clear moment like now, it is much easier to have convictions in that. In those low moments like August 3rd...I am not myself...I am someone else; a someone who does not have my strength, and power, my faith and knowledge. The goal is not to find a way to overcome those feelings of ending my life, but rather overcoming that person that takes over the real Sam in those moments.

Catch 22 version 20.08

So...I had a realization this weekend...if I were to get married to a man...I would never be able to be fully in that relationship simply because it wouldn't be 100% fulfilling...although a temple sealing would exist, and children...but emotionally it would leave something to desire...if I were to be with a woman...well...even if she was everything I wanted, and it was the greatest relationship that I could have in all aspects...I could never marry her. And considering my type she would want to be married...but that is something that is reserved for one man and one woman. Just because I was with a woman doesn't mean I would forsake all of my beliefs...I wouldn't...they would still be there...I would just be living with guilt or something...but i would still be Sam...and Sam doesn't drink, or smoke, and I believe that marriage is for one man and one woman. So I feel trapped. Living a celibate life, emotional or otherwise, just does not feel like something that I can do. My heart literally feels like it is going to break when I think of living like that.

Lone Lily

I met a girl last night. Her name is Lily. (Really that is her name...not to be confused with my Lily from the 6th grade...whose name really isn't Lily) She was our waitress at a restaurant and I was definitely attracted to her. So I did my best to flirt...which isn't really difficult because I am naturally a flirtatious person. Ky and Alice noticed and were giving me a hard time about it. Towards the end of the night she came back to the table with the bill and some promotional coupons. As she was explaining the promotion I was flirting hard core...I did not care who was at the table...and the best part...Lily flirted back. She gave me this look...I melted a little...Alice saw the look and about choked on her diet Coke.

As Ky and I were walking back to her car I was talking about how badly I wanted to leave my number on the table. I have never really approached a girl so aggressively, or wanted to. With Lily and Grey and Alyson and Alex, I did not see them, and go after them. We were friends, and my feelings developed from there. Granted...with all four of them...it was definitely "crushing, head over heels at first sight". They are gorgeous beautiful girls....but I digress...

As the night wore on, however, I grew more and more melancholy. I was never going to see Lily again...unless I went back to the restaurant and she happened to be there...but I had not made a move...and that was that...I was never going to make a move...was I? Will I?

How long will I be able to live emotionally celibate? I'm not worried so much about the physical...although that is a battle in itself, but not like being alone emotionally...and I can hear my therapist, and Alex, and Ky, and everyone else telling me that the Atonement, and a better relationship with my Father and the Savior can take those feelings away, but really? They can fill the hole, the emptiness that comes with not having that one person in your life? The love of your live so to speak? I don't believe that. I am sorry, but right now...I just don't believe that.

Bollocks!!

One day, a few months ago, I was driving in the car with my friend Alice, and I was pretty ornery that day, and Alice said, in response to an ornery remark I made, "You're a bitch". I acknowledged that I was being a bit bitchy at that moment, but she said it wasn't just this moment, it was always...it was my personality. Not being in a mood to really argue, and frankly, thinking she might indeed be right, I brushed over the comment and we went on with our evening. However, upon later mulling over of the comment I became somewhat irritated. I am not a bitch...well I can be...but I don't think it's who I am. That is not in my nature. I am a good, and kind person...as is my friend Alice...probably one of the kindest I know.

Alice has, unfortunately, only known me during a very unpleasant and somewhat dark period in my life...so to her...that is my core personality. But still, whether she knew me before or not, if she really knew me I have to believe she would see what kind of person I really am...and I think she does, and I think it was more of a passing comment but every once in a while it bothers me that she said that.

But despite all of that, she is a friend, a trusted friend, who has been loyal, and understanding from the very beginning. I want her to see the person I use to be...I want to be the person I was. I NEED to be the person I was. It makes me sad that perhaps she doesn't see that...maybe she doesn't know I can be that person...and what scares me even more is that maybe I will never be that person again.

90 degrees

Hearts are torn and bruises born, but a love so magnificent cannot be scorned.
Beyond this normalcy, far greater than art; always together, even if we’re apart.
The heart, so crucial and the mind-they cry, but our friendship extends beyond; even goodbye.

Excerpts from The Happy Warrior

This is who I want to be...some days I feel like I am, but some days I feel so far from this... ( I made the pronouns feminine)

Whose high endeavours are an inward light
That makes the path before her always bright:
Who, with a natural instinct to discern
What knowledge can perform, is diligent to learn;
Abides by this resolve, and stops not there,
But makes her moral being her prime care;

By objects, which might force the soul to abate
Her feeling, rendered more compassionate;

More skilful in self-knowledge, even more pure,
As tempted more; more able to endure,
As more exposed to suffering and distress;
Thence, also, more alive to tenderness.

A constant influence, a peculiar grace;
But who, if she be called upon to face
Some awful moment to which Heaven has joined
Great issues, good or bad for human kind,
Is happy as a Lover; and attired
With sudden brightness, like a woman inspired;
And, through the heat of conflict, keeps the law
In calmness made, and sees what she foresaw;

Finds comfort in herself and in her cause;
And, while the mortal mist is gathering, draws
Her breath in confidence of Heaven's applause:
This is the happy Warrior; this is She
That every Woman in arms should wish to be.

Especially on the Bad Days

It's very difficult to believe one thing and feel another. I know that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and in so believing I believe that a relationship of a sexual, and romantic nature is reserved for one man and one woman. Unfortunately my...hormones...DNA...heart...head...whatever... does not so much feel that way.

This last weekend I was on a trip with some friends and watched a reenactment of what happened in Carthage Jail the day that Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were killed. When I was about four years old I went to Carthage and sat in that room, saw the bullet holes, and listened to a reenactment on tape of that very day. From that day on I never doubted in the truthfulness of the gospel. It was just true. No matter where I have been in my life...what I have been doing...it has always been true. When Alyson and I were in a relationship as much happiness, and pleasure and truly great and wonderful times there were...it ALWAYS came with deep torment and heartache.

I wish...so badly some days...that I could find a way to reconcile my attraction to females with the teachings of the gospel that I hold so near to me. I wish that I couldn't type a sentence stating I know these gospel teachings to be true. I wish so badly sometimes, that I did not know the truth...but then in those moments of frustration the thought comes to mind "No you don't Sam...because you see and know the bigger picture." But do I really...or is that something I have just trained by subconscious to throw into my conscious when my mind wanders into dangerous territory? Alex would tell me that it is my knowledge and testimony of the gospel...my true nature...my therapist would agree with her. And...I want to agree with them. But I doubt myself so greatly...so intensely...to a point of self loathing for the fact that I have done the things I have done with this supposed "knowledge" that I have. How could I have done what I did with Alyson...imagined what I have imagined and desired what I have with Alex...if I have that knowledge? Because I am not perfect? Because I am mortal? Because I was tempted, even as Christ...and in some cases unfortunately gave in?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the only church on the earth today to contain the fullness of the gospel, including all rights and privileges of the Holy Priesthood. We have the Book of Mormon which truly is another testament of Jesus the Christ. It contains answers we need and the power to not only draw us closer to the Savior and in turn our Father in Heaven, but it also contains power that allows us to understand ourselves...who we are, why we're here, where we came from...in a way that no other book, or any other teachings can. The blessings of the Priesthood are real and powerful. The blessings of the Priesthood that are found in the holy temples, in the washing and anointing, in the endowment...there is real, awesome, power in them. Power that has kept me from giving in.

My Father in Heaven is aware of who I am. He is aware of the challenges I face...whether or not I feel that way everyday...it is true everyday. He has mapped out my life, my challenges, those I will meet, with such precision, tenderness, and love that there is no need for a plan B. The path I am on...that all of us are on as individuals is His plan for us...His Plan...not plan A...just His plan...our plan. I knew...we all knew what we were getting into before we came here. I believe that to be true...otherwise why would one third of our brothers and sisters decide not to come? The decision to come to this life, this world...could not have been an easy one...just as my decision to live this life I have choosen is not an easy one...every day it is difficult...and I think that everyday while we waited to come to this life was difficult...I am sure...knowing myself I went back and forth on an hourly basis (or however time is measured) about whether or not it was going to be worth it in this life...just as I go back and forth about the decisions I have made here and whether or not it is worth it in the next life.

Today is not my best day...today I miss my friend. I miss the love of my life. But...if I don't remind myself of who I am, what I believe, what I really want...that longing, that emptiness will never go away. The only way I know to lessen the pain is to remind myself of what is true, what I know is true.

The Flip Side

Having a rough day...my apologies to Alex for twisting her original words...


My heart is torn; my bruises born
My love, so magnificent, has been scorned.
Never together, always apart.
Not of normalcy, nor of art.
My heart, not partial; my mind has tried.
Ignorance or not-none can conceive of the cries.

The Atonement

"Hearts torn; bruises born. Love magnificent but also scorned. Completely together; forever apart. Not of normalcy, but more of art. Peace and confusion keeping the mind from any conclusion. The heart is partial; the mind defies. Ignorance cannot conceive of the cries." ~Alex
A while back Alex wrote this. I remember when I read if for the first time...it was like she had articulated all my feelings. How she did it I will never know...although I have my theory and it has taught me perhaps one of the greatest lessons I will ever learn. There is no possible way Alex could have written that unless A) she has the same feelings  or B) the Atonement is real and it works.  (obviously it is B) When I read that...I knew that the Atonement was not only real, but an actual working, active power. There was no way for Alex to know unless someone had let her feel my pain...and there is no one but me who has felt my pain...except for One.

I know that when Christ suffered he didn't just suffer for everyone who struggles with their sexuality and their beliefs...he suffered specifically for the pain that I would endure. And that pain...that confusion...those bruises that I feel...he suffered them all. Christ overcame the world and in doing so overcame everything that the world can throw at me, at any of us. I wish I could hold to that knowledge always. I mean the knowledge is always there in my head...and even in my heart...but my heart desires for something else so often. My heart is breaking..shattering into pieces...that I want to pick up...that I do pick up...only to have them shatter again, and again...but that is the completeness of the Atonement...it will heal my heart time and time and time again. No matter how long it takes.

I will forever (as will my posterity) be inexplicably grateful for the understanding that Alex was given in that moment. For her faith in me, for her unconditional love and her willingness to always be my friend.

Kids...what about kids?

So as I look forward to the life that I have ahead of me I often times think of having children...not having a husband...but children...what about children? I don't think I will get married in this life...and I am not saying that as a "poor me" type of thing...I just really feel that way...and in all honesty...sometimes it is easier to go forward without holding on to that hope of getting married. Anyway...but kids...that is totally different. I love kids...and I never actually believed that the biological clock was real until mine started going off! I ache for the day that I can have children. It hurts sometimes so much...I just wish that I did have a husband...that I was raising a family...I wish that a husband and a family was something that I was going to have that in the future...I wish that this May it wasn't just my best friend getting married...I wish it was me getting married too. I wish I was already married. I wish that I was going to be sitting in that sealing room when Alex and her fiance get sealed with my husband. I wish that my kids were going to be waiting outside for me and my husband.

I've thought many times about adopting...and I would love to at some point in my life...but as I continue to think about it I don't know that it is the best idea...because as much good as I could do for that kid, or kids...they would not be born within the covenant...and that is the greatest blessing that can be had on this earth. It was mine...and I want it to be the same for my children.

It really hurts...the thought of no children...of no husband. I know that my righteousness will not keep from the blessings of exaltation...but getting from here to there and being happy while doing it...not so easy without a husband and children...I realize they bring their own set of challenges...but also their own set of blessings that I can not have anywhere else. And though they can be mine in the next life...I am not in the next life right now...I am in this life.

Ok...so I do want to get married...and I hope I do...but I don't think I will...that hurts too...so much...I watch my closest friends...with their spouses and their children...and I am truly happy for them...I have joy for them and because of them...I have joy because of Alex and her upcoming wedding...but it hurts...it always hurts. I wish it didn't...but it does...my heart breaks everyday because it is not a blessing I have right now...and not a blessing that I will probably have for a long, long, long time.

But...in the mean time...I will continue to find joy in the success and happiness of my friends...and cling to that white knuckled as I continue in this life. Alex I think gets irritated because I am always worried about us not being close after she is married...I don't know if she thinks it is just because of her being far away, or things changing between...those are definite reasons...but a big one is that I do find happiness, strength and motivation in my friends and the good things in their lives...I want to still be apart of her life so I can feel that from her and her fiance. Maybe that is so extremely selfish, but it is also the truth.

The first of many...

I am Sam. I am a memeber of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I happen to like girls...and I also happen to be a girl. That may not seem like a problem for some. For some it means ignoring those feelings of attraction to other girls and seeking a husband. To others it means putting away those childhood religious beliefs that your parents taught you and finding someone(s) to enjoy your life with.

To me...well...I wish I knew exactly what it meant. I wish I had a clear idea of what it meant to be attracted to other girls when I have the knowledge and beliefs that I have. Yes, knowledge...for me...the gospel of Jesus Christ is not something I simply just believe is true. It is not a truth that will someday prove to be incorrect...like the physical nature of Santa (I have other ideas about his existence in other forms...but that is for another day)...it is something that I know is true. It is right, and it is prue. I've known that it is true since I was about four years old.

Sam's Truth

Hi. I'm Sam. This is my blog. This blog contains the truth...well my truth. It may not be your truth, but it's the truth as I see it, and as I remember it. I don't expect too many to read this blog, but take it for what it's worth. For me...it's a place to let my truth out...the truth that I can't always share. You may agree, you may disagree, you may be offended, disgusted, or even disappointed...but maybe you'll be delighted; maybe you'll find some of your own truth. So with that...welcome. I hope you find something ...whatever it may be.